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Gay? Straight? Bi? Idk anymore...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by AaronP91, Aug 28, 2011.

  1. AaronP91

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    I have been so confused lately that I even had a mild panic attack earlier... but to explain more. Since I was really young I knew I liked guys, messed around with them and such, mostly innocent child stuff, but sometimes more sexual... Then when i was around thirteen girls suddenly seemed to interest me more. However, occassionally there would be the certain boy that I would fall for.

    In junior high and high school there were guys and girls that I liked, but i have read it is natural for kids that age to have feelings for the same gender sometimes. I eventually developed a lot of feelings, more than friendship, for my best friend in junior high and high school, and girls seemed to disappear to me (some guys still caught my attention in my school). When i was with him, no matter what, I was happy. Sometimes we talked about what girls we liked and which ones turned us on, and i would play along, but it was him i always thought about. My junior year, i finally decided that I disliked somewhat lying to him by not telling him what i felt. I figured as my best friend he would accept me and know i would never do anything to harm our friendship, but i was wrong. He freaked out, told me never to talk to him again, and broke my heart.

    I skipped my senior year of high school and went to college, where i found myself attracted to a girl. Trying to get over my previous loss i decided to date her. Things went well for months, we began to sleep together, and we were happy. Suddenly for no reason i know she decided she didnt want to be with me anymore and dumped me. Again i was heartbroken. With my best friend girls didnt seem to matter, with her guys didnt...

    I somewhat went on a slight wild streak, and (honestly on accident) when i was at a party with a few of my guy friends we got drunk and "stuff" happened, however none of us ever talked about it, and it was like it never happned. So again i was with guys.

    Now i found a gf when i transferred to another college, and we were mostly happy (she is, poor thing doesnt seem to realize what im going through...), but then suddenly i got the urge for guys again. And that leads to where I am now.

    I am dating my gf whom i cant seem to reconcile how i feel about anymore, but at the same time i actually have feelings for my best friend's (a girl) little brother. When i developed them i was so confused, and my best friend brought up the idea that maybe im gay. I always said to myself I was possibly bi, but gay? it seemed to make sense, but now I dont know again... Seems like every time i see him i get butterflies and my heart skips... but every month i seem to switch between men and women on who im attracted to (with the exception on my friends brother, whom the feelings for never seem to go away).

    I do not know what I am anymore, its all so confusing, and its causing me nothing but grief and stress (the panic attack...) I am sorry for the long post and story, but its needed it seems to even slightly understand what happening, which i cant even do. Am i bi? or gay and simply am trying to reconcile the fact that im not into women... I just dont know anymore... please help :icon_sad:
     
  2. Mad Man L

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    I can empathise, although the 'swing' with me is a lot lot slower.

    You're bi, really. The fact that you swing between wanting a girl and wanting a guy is normal to some degree. While generally I'm Kinsey 3ish, it varies on what gender the person I like is. Until recently, I was more so noticing guys because I liked a guy. But around this time last year, I was more noticing girls because I liked a girl.

    As such, recently I've felt more like a Kinsey 4, yet back then, I felt more like a Kinsey 1-2 (I say 1 because the time I liked her was a long period of time, and it was only after I got over her that I could truly start to be honest with myself about my sexuality).

    But I think you've already learnt Straight Guy - Bi/Gay Guy Relations 101: Don't tell them you like them unless you/him/both of you are drunk, high, or asleep.

    There is a list of questions you need to ask yourself about before you can truly label yourself. But don't rush into it.
     
  3. AaronP91

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    Its just so frustrating... whenever i seem to figure out what my orientation is... something makes me question it. I guess I could be bi, it just makes it so hard, not knowing what is going to be my interest tomorrow. I just don't know what to do though :confused: I mean what do i choose for myself... stay with my gf who at the moment seems uninteresting to me, or leave her and find a guy. It would break her heart though, and what would i do if i switch over again... Sad part is i find myself attracted to guys, but then i have trouble seeing myself in a long term relationship with them, with the exception of my old best friend and my friends brother. makes me so so confused... i just do not know what to do. :eusa_doh:

    on a side not my friend from school that told me to leave him alone is now talking to me again over the internet and apologized for what he did to me
     
  4. Chip

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    Hi, Aaron.

    First, welcome to EC. Glad you've joined and you're definitely in the right place to explore and get answers to what's going on for you.

    In your case, there are no clear-cut answers, at least from what you've said so far. What complicates things is that denial can play a huge factor in obscuring the truth, so sometimes the answer is there, but part of you isn't ready to accept it. And other times, there's nothing to deny, because the person is simply straight.

    The drunken encounter with a couple dudes can be excused to just that. BUT... when you start talking about guys and getting butterflies, that does definitely point toward bisexuality at the least. And if there's deep denial going on, it could be you're totally or mostly gay and trying to convince yourself you're straight.

    Usually one of the best tests is to look at what your fantasy material is when you masturbate without porn. Does your mind wander toward women, or toward men? Or is it both? If both, what % of time is it men vs. women, and which of the fantasies are more specific vs. vague?

    In a similar vein, when you watch porn, is it gay or straight? If straight, do you find yourself looking at the guys and the penises, or at the women?

    Those questions can be hard to answer honestly because... often times it's a strong indicator of the truth, so your mind may play tricks on you. But if you can explore that and are comfortable sharing the answers, it will be a lot easier to get a better idea of what direction you seem to be leaning.
     
  5. Filip

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    Maybe first of all: take deep breaths when you feel panic coming up. It's a confusing situation, but panic osn't helping anyone, and while it's important to get to the bottom of where your own attraction lie, there's no deadline here. If it takes you a couple of months more to figure it out, then that's what it takes!

    It's a pretty solid bet you're at least bisexual. Straight guys do sometimes get into same-sex "stuff" when drunk. They are perfectly allowed to think another guy is good-looking. Getting real butterflies in the stomach for an extended time is a pretty good indicator that for you, the attraction to guys is more than that.
    If this one girl in early college really made you forget about guys alltogether, it's a good bet you still do have the capacity to really fall for girls as well.
    Attractions can fluctuate over time and depending on the people you meet, though. +So maybe take it at face value for now that you can like both, and work from there to determine where the balance lies.

    I guess what could help too is not seeing it as a pure sexuality issue. Even for purely straight or purely gay guys relationships and falling in love can be confusing. Finding out that a current relationship is in a bit of a funk, and falling for an entirely different type who comes along is pretty normal, even.
    Obviously it's less existentially confusing if you yoused to fall for the jock type and suddenly find yourself crushing on the geeky type, or if you always liked blonde girls and suddenly fall head-over-heels for a brunette, but fundamentally it's the same thing: there's always going to be other attractive people.

    So at that point, you need to decide whether you see your current relationship as having a future. Whether you think this feelings for someone else are transitory or more deep-seated. Whether you could see more of a future with this other guy/girl. And mabe even reconsider your reasons for getting into the current relationship at all. If your current GF seems uninteresting, and you don't feel able to recapture a bit of what made it interesting in the first place, maybe it is time to decide moving on and waiting until someone (guy or girl) comes along that makes you feel butterfiles.

    On a final note: I do think it's good that you're talking to your old friend again. Kids in highschool can really overreact sometimes, but it's always good to find out friendships can overcome even extreme adversity sometimes. Lord knows I was a prick to a gay friend in highschool when he came out. Pretty ironic considering I turned out to be gay as well :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  6. blighted garden

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    I can definitely say that a lot of the bisexual people that I know fluctuate depending on who they encounter or who they're crushing on at a certain point in their lives. It can take a lot of time to become comfortable with the fact that your sexuality is fluid and that it can feel like it's shifting rather than it being black and white. That said, based off of your history I'd say that you're bisexual, since you did fall for both men and women in the past and enjoyed sexual experiences with them.

    For me one of the important things of being bisexual and being in a relationship is that the other person knows about my orientation and is comfortable with it. Just because I'm going out with a woman, that doesn't mean that I won't be attracted to men anymore. It can be hard sometimes, because if I'm with a woman sometimes I start to identify as being "gay" because that's what I look like to the outside world. If you really are bisexual, it's important to remember that that will be the case no matter who you're with, and that you don't feel pressured to feel gay or straight depending on who you're with.

    Again, that said, when I'm in a fulfilling relationship with say, a woman, I don't feel the need to be in a relationship with a man. Could it be that maybe your relationship with your girlfriend is fizzling a little, or that there are some problems that need to be addressed? Or could it be that you'd be more comfortable in an open relationship?
     
  7. Lexington

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    It certainly seems like bisexual. And yes, with the bisexuals I've been close friends with, their desires can change over time.

    The way I look at it is this. I'm attracted to both athletic guys AND geeky guys. (Athletic geeky guys? Don't get me started.) But sometimes I favor one kind over the other. It's not that I've suddenly decided I don't like geeky guys. I just seem to have a thing more for the jocks for awhile. I know the geek thing is still there, and I assume it'll reassert itself eventually. And, every time, it has. :slight_smile: From what I can tell, the same type of thing holds true for many (I won't say all) bisexuals. Favoring one for awhile, and maybe liking both equally for part of the time, too.

    Lex