i have had this thought, if i hook up with a guy, its just sex, I get that, no attachment, no problem, no big deal. now lets say the guy had a partner or something, specifically my preference for that activity is, if i know, I'm not interested, and if i learn that the person lied, I'm not interested. its pretty clear. you say you wont be with anyone else sexually then you should stick with your commitment or get out of it. That's my attitude towards it. would i be hurt if i find out they lied, no i wouldnt feel hurt, i wouldn't be upset, but i would be turned off to the guy. that's pretty clear. now lets say i look at these same feelings with a woman. now lets say she lied or something, for some reason I feel REALLY HURT, in fact I am broken hearted, bummed, and obsessive over it, and I'm ANGRY, and TURNED OFF, and I blame myself, and basically I'm just not good to myself over that. It really affects me emotionally negative, and I'm not sure what the difference is. I'm not sure if its marriage, the way i was raised to think about women and relationships or what, but it HURTS. I just don't know why it bugs me so much if a girl sleeps with someone else. It makes no sense, but it really, really bugs me. Has anyone dealt with these emotions bisexual or whatever? thanks.
Well, to be honest, I think I lack the capacity to feel emotions over complicated hypothetical situations. So it's hard to say. And... I'm sorry to say but I'm having trouble parsing the hypothetical situation in your post. Who exactly are you in both situations? Are you just "the one-night hookup" in both? Or are you from the onset imagining yourself as more connected to the girl in scenario 2 compared to the guy in scenario1? I do think there's a general stereotype about men and women, though. Women are supposed to be soft and caring and emotionally connected, and being the other guy in that would almost seem like corrupting that. Men are stereotyped as a sort of predator that you just can't tame. Alternately used to say "men are pigs" or the polar opposite: "oh well, boys will be boys!". But somehow it seems less amazing to imagine a guy cheating than it does for a woman. The more you were educated with that stereotype, the more your reactions would skew, I guess.
i think it hurts more when a girl does it for you because you have built women up in your mind to be emotional caretakers. they are not supposed to cheat on you, if anything you are the guys and more expected to cheat. the girls is supposed to be right there for you, waiting for the special day when you ask her to move forward to something serious. however, maybe you have an expectation that it is more likely that a man will cheat. maybe you also see men subconsciously as sexual beings and not emotional creatures. therefore, since you may have these feelings, its not suprising that it doesn't hurt as bad when they cheat on you. however, when a woman cheats on you its a blow to your malehood and self esteem but when a man cheats on you, you just chalk it up to him being promiscious and expected behavior.
That may be the case for you, but it is definitely not the case for many, many gay guys. I think for the majority of gay men who are in touch with their emotions, being cheated on is just as bad, and hurts just as much, as for any heterosexual couple. It's ridiculously cynical for anyone to say that women are supposed to be emotional caretakers and men are expected to cheat, and, honestly, I feel really bad for anyone who limits themselves with such a negative outlook. There are many, many faithful, emotionally open and supportive gay men who love and care for their partners just as much (and perhaps, in many cases more) than female partners in a heterosexual relationship, so to try to imply otherwise is simply wrong and not supported by any of the data out there on gay relationships. As to the OP, I wonder if perhaps there's some sort of justification or rationalization going on here, in this argument, to try to artificially separate your attraction/feelings for women vs. men. I've seen this sort of rationalization among men who were having difficulty accepting the feelings that they have for other men. I'm not sure if this holds true for you, but perhaps it's worth considering. In other words, if you unconsciously insulate yourself emotionally when having sexual experiences with men, then it is easier to wall that off and say "Well, it's just a physical release, there's no emotion there, and therefore I must really be attracted to women." I can't definitively say that's what's happening for you, but it might bear thinking about.
i'm trying to sort out my feelings. i think physically i an be sexually with a man and a woman. Emotionally though I am trying to figure it out. I think that if I am leaning more towards being gay, then I need to figure out myself emotionally, because the goal is to be satisified... Sexually, I can temporarily attain that through sexual fantasy or a hookup, but neither is necessarily sustainable to my long-term happiness. I think emotionally I lean more towards women, however with challenging that, maybe I have been trying to hard and failing, and being dramatic over it because of the other spectrum of my attraction and fantasies towards men. obviously if i am attached to the guy and i like him, it would hurt a lot, but right now I don't see myself at that point with another man emotionally. I'd like to, but I'm not sure how to do it. The hookups are one thing, but intimacy is another. Getting up after a hook up and running for the hills is not something I want for the long-term. i enjoy the intimacy i would share with a woman after sex, and between sexual encounters. i really like that, but personally it has not been sustainable long-term. maybe i get bored, or got into her for the wrong reasons, or maybe i find out she cheated or lied and i can't forgive it... who knows. when it comes to women, i have been cheated on in the past, and quite frankly, never got over it, and it hurt, a LOT. Hell, honestly it still hurts. I did love at least I thought I loved one woman and she literally played me and it hurt. a lot. i've never been able to have those emotional feelings towards a man. and if i am sexually happier with a guy and enjoy that, i want to be able to not have it be a superficial sexual experience that is physically satisfying, but not emotionally. Does that make sense? What I am trying to do is compare the two. I'm not even sure if I can compare the two, because if I look at the guy connection I would just say I would feel awkward cuddling and holding hands with a guy, and being intimate as i have with a woman. There is one point that was made, and that was maybe the careless attitude towards men emotionally, not so much as, they are pigs, but kind of social conditioning where, if your buddy leaves wasted in the middle of the night, guys can take care of themselves, where maybe women need to be taken care of... Something along the line... I think that makes sense in my thought process. and yes, i have the expectations that women don't sleep because of religion... you know marriage. my mom cheated on my dad and i was furious, especially when she said I didn't understand. they were together for 15 years and married. i hated her for it because i grew up thinking i needed to get married to women before I had sex, and i guess i had a fairy tale in my head about women, you know dreaming about holding them, etc, but in reality ... i don't know it just really pissed me off... Maybe I should be mad @ religion. Maybe my Dad cheated on her? When my Mom cheated on my Dad he was in the hospital... Like I said, they were married, and it REALLY PISSED ME OFF. Until this day the girl I really liked or at least thought I did pretty much said it was nothing, and my Mom, well she said I wouldn't understand and both really make me furious.
I know guys who feel this way. To nudge it further, and make it crasser, their philosophy could be summed up as "Guys to fuck, women to love". I can picture them not just "cheating" on a fuck-buddy, but not even consider it cheating at all...whereas they probably wouldn't feel the same about doing the same thing on a woman. I've actually known some who go so far as to say that if they're in a relationship with a woman, then seeing guys on the side doesn't qualify as cheating, because, y'know, it's "just sex". I can't say as I understand that point of view, but then again, I'm not the one setting the parameters. They can set them anyway they see fit. Lex
It's ridiculously cynical for anyone to say that women are supposed to be emotional caretakers and men are expected to cheat, and, honestly, I feel really bad for anyone who limits themselves with such a negative outlook. There are many, many faithful, emotionally open and supportive gay men who love and care for their partners just as much (and perhaps, in many cases more) than female partners in a heterosexual relationship, so to try to imply otherwise is simply wrong and not supported by any of the data out there on gay relationships. yea. ok.
@ Lexington - When you put it that way cheating is cheating. I can see how its easy to default into thinking that since its a guy it doesn't count, and to some degree, I can feel myself accept that, and have done so in the past. In a way its denial. At least for me it is. Every time a woman has cheated on me its like it has given me free permission to do what I do. I know its wrong, and I need to get in touch with my feelings for a healthy long-term relationship, that is my goal, rather it be a guy or a girl, I'm not sure yet. ---------- Post added 30th Aug 2011 at 04:29 PM ---------- in a sick way, i wonder if my issues have to do with my jealousy, anxiety, and anger over a woman cheating is almost more about my projection and hidden "desires/wishes" than it is about what they do (the act)... I think why it bugs me is that while growing up I listened to women bitch about men as if they never did anything wrong, and also my parents told me to wait for marriage for sex, and to do what is right, wait for 21, etc, and i was always afraid to have sex with a girl because of commitment and pregnancy issues, and morals... but in reality they are not the made up fairy tale that I accepted as a kid, you know, its kind of similar to santa claus being real.
Actually, I was going to say in response to your earlier post in the thread that it seems pretty likely that part of your issue is unresolved anger/hurt about being cheated on in the past. Additionally, parents can play a really influential role in instilling shame about sex and "waiting for marriage" and so forth, which it sounds like happened in your case. So while those factors may complicate your ability to understand your feelings, and contribute to the artificial separation you've made between sex with women and sex with men, I don't think it has anything at all to do with your underlying sexual orientation; that is whatever it is, and wouldn't be influenced by the other factors. But those other factors can certainly muck up the works and give you plenty of ammunition to maintain denial.
@ CHIP - Ahhh... this makes sense with the bargaining... I can see the distinction now with what I am doing in my head regards to these things. I can also see now how I use it against myself as a wall/denial/defensive mechanism. Jesus this is hard.
Sounds like these are the kind of downlow guys who chase man-cake around on the side and go home to the girlfriend that they "love", because they don't feel like having sex with guys is real sex and doesn't count as cheating. :dry: As far as the OP goes, cheating is cheating as far as I'm concerned, and a fuck outside the bounds of your preestablished relationship is a cheat regardless of how emotionally uninvolved you are with the person you're cheating with. The gender of the forbidden fruit doesn't matter much. I never understood the, "But she/he meant nothing to me!" post-infidelity defense. Oh yeah, like that's going to make your lover feel better than you cheated on them. :rolle:
