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Break up.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by deb2118, Aug 29, 2011.

  1. deb2118

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    My partner dumped me a little over 2 months ago and we had been together almost 12 years. I didn't see it coming, I thought we would be together forever and grow old together. Apparently she has been and was seeing someone else. I don't know for how long...I want answers, but know I won't get them. I feel like I've lost everything I had. And even though she cheated and has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me, even as a friend, I am hurt and having a very hard time moving on and getting over her. I love her and that doesn't seem to be going away. Any advice?
     
  2. Daisy1

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    Sorry you're hurting, deb. Have you tried revenge? (Just kidding!!)

    Do you have a friend you can lean on? If not, perhaps just keeping busy would help. I think that the more time you can spend not thinking about it, the easier it'll be to convince your brain that you don't need her. (You don't.)
     
  3. feelindown

    feelindown Guest

    breakups are hard, they hurt, the trust is lost, you feel abandoned, the world you built around someone else is gone, you're left lonely, afraid, discouraged, empty, and feeling like you have to start over from scratch.

    1. accept that it is over and that she cheated on you and disrespected you and for whatever reasons wants nothing more to do with you.

    2. do not try and make her change her mind about this. it's over. she's with someone else, and you don't need or want a cheater in your life. you're only now focusing on the good times you both had and how much you were a team, but she didn't have the common courtesy to tell you after 12 years that she wasn't interested anymore before she started cheating behind your back so that should tell you a lot about this person.

    3. move on. deal with the pain, cry, yell, soak your head in pillow of tears but you must GET ON WITH IT too.

    4. surround yourself with great family and friends that reaffirm how great of a person you are because this is the time (especially when you have been cheated on and rejected) that fear and low self esteem come in...."i wasn't good enough, maybe i could have done this or that, what did i do wrong, noone loves me....blalh blah blah." don't listen to these lies and turn off the CD that plays that junk in your head as soon as you start hearing the music."

    5. forgiving doesn't mean allowing someone to do it to you again. you can find someone else in time.

    6. take time for healing and self discovery....it's tempting right now to throw yoruself into another relationship as a way to secretly get back at her for dumping you. you may feel the urge to pick someone that was hotter than she was or has more going on than she does as a way to subconsciously get back at her. this is destructive behavior and leads nowhere. don't do it.

    7. if it gets really bad, seek counseling and professional help.

    you'll get through it :slight_smile:
     
  4. blighted garden

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    As feelindown said, I think one of the most important things to do after a break up is to focus on yourself. Often when in a relationship people can lose themselves and meld into their partner, and once the partner is gone they can feel lost. Take some time to get to know yourself again. What are the things that are most important to you in life? What are some of your favourite hobbies? Try and focus on these things and remember the kind of person you were before you were in a relationship.

    I also find that taking up a new activity, such as a sport, can help. For me physical activity can help in the healing process, but we're all different.

    Also, hopefully you have some key people in your life that you can talk to when you're down. This is a time to be spending with friends and/or family, and sometimes they can be just the listeners you need or can help get your mind off of things.

    Ultimately, it will take time. Try not to destructively think about negative thoughts too much, although that can be difficult. Focus on some of the positive elements in your life, and you'll gradually overcome the negative ones.
     
  5. Lexington

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    It's tough when a long relationship ends suddenly. Don't try to put yourself on any sort of time frame. Feel free to feel lousy, cry, punch the pillows, or listen to awful music. :slight_smile: But do work on moving on. That usually involves "staying busy, staying social". Her leaving left a large void in your life, so make sure that void get filled with activity and other people.

    Lex
     
  6. deb2118

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    Thanks guys. I had the summer off of work and it was really long, boring, all I could do was sit and think. Now that I'm back to work, it's helping. Communication with her seems to bring me back down. But yet, that's all I want to do. Guess that's something I need to work on. Feeling better today...every day is different, but I guess that's because I've been busy nonstop. There definitely is something to keeping active.
    And as far as the friends...since it was such a long relationship, we pretty much have the same friends. They have been somewhat supportive, but don't want to get in the middle, so feel awkward talking and don't really want to share what she has said to them, which I can't blame them for, yet, it makes me feel like they aren't real friends. After all, I'm the one who was hurt. So I'm attempting to find ways to socialize with new people, but it's tough to all of a sudden have to find new ways of doing this.