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Guilt/suffocation won't leave me alone

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by blighted garden, Aug 30, 2011.

  1. blighted garden

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    Hi all,

    I'll start with a brief back story. I came out to my parents when I was 17 and had a girlfriend. They reacted horribly, especially my mother. For a year I stuck with that relationship and was in family counselling, but nothing seemed to help my mother or me. We both went through depressions, but since that happened (2 years ago) I have been feeling mostly fine.

    I felt guilt as a pre-teen when I was first questioning my sexuality, but then came to be comfortable with it. When I came out, I experienced crushing guilt. Being told that your parents wished for another child, that they are disturbed and disgusted by what you do with a woman, and that you should not be 'choosing' to be with a woman when you like men all lead you to feel horrible.

    I mentioned I had been doing fine. Well, two months ago I started dating a wonderful woman that I met online. Part of me feels guilty about the fact that I was even actively searching online for a woman (but not a man) in the first place, but the reality of the situation is that it is very hard to meet a woman in real life and I haven't come across a man that I like that isn't in a relationship.

    Dating had been going awesomely until the last date. Our kissing got more heated and even though I enjoyed I began to panic. I had to rush home afterwards to a family dinner and pretend that I had spent the day at work (I am closeting my relationship for fear that coming out would destroy it as it did to my first relationship). For the past day or two now I have been getting triggered a lot, feeling residual guilt that makes me feel like I should not be doing this. I see my therapist next week, but wanted to talk in the meantime.

    Anyone else in a similar position? Any advice as to how to progress healthily in a relationship? Last time, as time went by, I was mostly able to overcome feeling suffocated. I guess I just thought I wouldn't have to go through that again.
     
  2. ezkill

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    It sounds like the common theme with your current problem is guilt. I see that you mentioned feeling guilty about your sexuality in the past, as well as feeling guilty about having to hide it from your family.

    It *is* possible to have a "healthy" relationship in this situation, but I wouldn't gamble on it. I would talk to your therapist first and see if he or she has any insights. Your relationship will eventually suffer in some form if you are carrying emotional "baggage" that is already (as you mentioned yourself) affecting your time with the other person in some way (i.e. having to rush home and lie about it).

    From my own experience, it sounds like you still have a few issues with your own sexuality, even though you did not explicitly mention that -- am I right?
     
  3. malachite

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    As far are advice on how not to feel guilt, I'm not sure I can help there.

    I can give you the truth though.

    You didn't do anything to your parents by coming out, this isn't about them and their feelings this is about you, and your trying to find out who you are and accept what you are, which is kinda far to do when someone your trust is reacting so badly.

    All I can tell you is don't LET your parents lay a guilt trip on you.
    phrases like: "How can you do this us!!!" "Do you know what this is going to do to your...."

    are desturctive, so don't stand for it. Your parents are adults and should ACT like it! If you try to talk to them and feel they are laying a guilt trip on you, tell them you'll talk to them when can have a calm discussion. Guilt only works if you let it.

    I hope this helps
     
  4. blighted garden

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    It's funny because I haven't felt uncomfortable about my sexuality or sexual thoughts in years. I think it's the fact that I'm having to hide that's triggering the guilt right now. Although I don't think I have any problems with my sexuality, it's hard to not internalize some of the things my parents have said to me. So maybe I do have some problems with it :/, even though logically I know there's nothing wrong.

    I suppose I'm also afraid of not being able to have a healthy relationship with a woman due to what happened with my ex and I. I really like the girl I'm seeing, and it's frustrating me that these negative feelings might be getting in the way. Luckily the girl I'm seeing has very traditional parents and is not out to them, so she can relate to the situation that I'm in. For our first two months I was feeling fine, so maybe this is just a bit of a hump I need to get over. I'm also planning on getting my own place sometime soon so that could potentially help me in the sense that I wouldn't have to lie as much (I think I just have such difficulty lying to them since I care about them so much...)

    Also, those lines..."how can you do this to us?" and "how can you do this with your life?" are what I used to hear on a regular basis after I came out. It's been two years since I've talked about anything with my parents and my mother especially has been trying to twist and influence my relationship life, so it's been a taxing time :/. I'm wondering if bringing up the topic in conversation might help me, because having to hide myself has really been damaging.
     
  5. Lexington

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    Well, let me put it to you this way:

    Why are you even involving your mother in your sex life at all anymore?

    Your mother has made it plain where she stands in regards to your sexuality. She considers anything you do "in a lesbian direction" to be a personal attack. Everything from "how can you do this to me" to wishing for another child. So you know what? Fuck that noise. Just don't involve them in your sex life anymore. You don't have to lie to them - just don't discuss it with them. When you rushed home to a family dinner, and they asked where you'd been, you could say "I was meeting somebody". If they want more details, you say "I don't think you want to hear about that." And if they start in with the guilt trip again, you get up and leave. Them being your parents does NOT give them carte blanche to lay the guilt trips on you.

    Lex
     
  6. blighted garden

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    Realistically, I'd like to be able to say fuck that noise. But the problem is that I need to be able to focus on my academics due to my upcoming applications to medical school, and since I am still living at home I don't want the environment to be disruptive and hostile to my studies. If I don't discuss who I'm seeing with them they'll know what's going on, and things will frankly go to hell. Last time that happened my grades were damaged because I couldn't focus right.

    So another option is to move out at the beginning of term, right now. I'm not sure if I feel up to that since it would mean coming out to my parents and having less time to study due to other obligations (finances, cooking, etc.).

    I just spoke to my psychiatrist today and realized that the guilt that I'm feeling is likely stemming from the anxiety attacks that I've been having. Hopefully therapy and/or medication can help control the anxiety, since I've had a lot of attacks in the past couple days :/. I'm not sure if I'm truly feeling guilty anymore of it's just the anxiety that's triggering things from the past.