I feel really frustrated. A few weeks ago I went to Missouri to visit a friend, and I wanted to come out to her when I was there. There was even a time when we were in her car when we were talking about how we have an open friendship and she told me "you can tell me anything, you know". I'm still not sure if she was trying to say anything, but I wanted to come out but I got scared within the moment and kind of looked at the road and waved my head. Then, a few weeks later, I ended up staying w/ a close family friend for about a week, and today she (a person that's like a 2nd mother) very non chalantly asked me "are you gay," and before I even had a moment to think my instant reaction was to say no by shaking my head (she without hesitation continued talking after asking, as if it was related to the story she was telling me, even tho it wasen't at all). And now I feel crappy again and like I'm never going to be able to tell anyone... and that's annoying because I've come to the realization that not telling anyone had significatly hindered my ability to feel comfortable/express myself/etc. And her asking me keeps ruminating in my head. PArt of what annoys me is that I've been thinking for a while that the reason I'm having trouble coming out is because no one has directly asked me if I was gay, and I'm too afraid to be the one to come out and say it. But, I was asked, and even then I chickened out. In my defense, the person I'm talking about, tho very empathetic/open minded/and has friends w/ gays, is also devoutly catholic, and I'm worried about how that would affect it. AT the same time, she was the first person to recogbize and highlight the fact that I'm having difficulties/questioning faith, and encouraged the questioning of it and admited to times in her life when she did. So, that already means that she understands me better than almost anyone else. And that just adds to my frustration and the ruminating of everything...
Hey (*hug*)(*hug*), it's ok. Coming out is scary, especially the first one. Things seem to be hard enough for you without beating you up on top of it. If you're not ready to come out yet, that doesn't mean at all that you'll never be ready. Coming out is not a race. It's something you have to do when you feel that it's the right moment for you, not because of external pressure. Now, I think that your friend strongly suspect that you're gay, and from what she said, there is no reasons to think she is not ok with it. I think she tried to put you at ease telling you that you can tell her anything you want. She might be a good person to start with when you'll feel ready to come out, but that's your call to decide where and when. Take care, (*hug*)(*hug*) and don't worry, you're going to be ok. Cécile
Cool points will not be lost for crying! In fact, if you really feel like it, maybe it's good to do just that to get it out of your system. And if it's any consolation: shying away just before coming out is pretty normal for the first few times. I think I needed five different tries to tell my first person (and that was over MSN, without looking them in the face or needing to say it out loud. And the other guy was gay himself. So as close to ideal as I could get) It seems that it's easy to miss the huge concrete wall we put up in our own minds. It's pretty good at guarding against any and all accidental slips of the tongue or against acting in any way that could be seen as "gay". It's so good at it you don't even notice it's there. Until you try to actively get to the other side and you run in to it. Good thing is: now that you have tried, you know the internal resistance is there. And next time you can anticipate that and try just a little harder. Another bright side: they left you with enough angles to try again next time. It might even work better if you go the casual route "so, you remember that time you asked if I was gay and I denied? I actually have to tell you something..." Don't despair! You're closer than you ever were and you're getting there step by step. I don't doubt you'll manage it sooner than you think right now! (*hug*)(*hug*)
