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Is my friend gay, does he like me?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Liam A, Aug 31, 2011.

  1. Liam A

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    Hey guys, this is long so now's the chance to run!

    I need some advice on this situation. There is this guy at my college, who in a year I have become really close to. At first I wasn't attracted to him (or anyone for the matter). He is a person who likes to joke about, especially when it comes to the 'gay talk' which really frustrates me sometimes, I have no idea if he's joking or what! I haven't come out to him yet. We are in the same group of friends and he is more sexual around me, always hugging me. But I think that's because I am the only one who hugs back. Our friends always jokingly call us gay, but we just call it bromance! :dry:

    Anyway to the main part. He invited me round his house, which is quite far away so I stayed the night. When I was there we talked a lot about girls, of course I played along. Then out of nowhere, he asked if I was gay (scared me sh*tless)! He then quickly said something completely off topic before I had the chance to answer him (phew).

    Whilst we were watching a movie, I put my arm around him because we didn't have much room, and it was getting crushed :icon_wink. Surprisingly he didn't mind and rested his head on my chest. We changed positions a few times, without realizing I started stroking his arm but stopped, he said it was okay. So a few hours passed, and he kissed my shoulder but I don't think I was meant to see, he did it so secretly! But he laughed it off, so did I.

    We were both pretty tired, so I said I was going to sleep. He has a king size bed so we both slept on the bed. I noticed he kept putting his arm on my belly. So I just pushed him to his side and spooned him lol... lots of stuff happened and in the end I was stroking his belly and playing with his chest hair, interlocking our hands. I felt bad so I stopped and turned the other way. Then he did the same to me. But I just fell asleep lol.

    When we woke up he seemed quite distanced from me and we didn't talk much, I bought up the night and he jokingly said, he was imagining I was this girl, which pissed me off. And to be honest I would have tried something with him that night if he didn't keep going on about girls. Then I left and we just hugged goodbye.

    All in all, he's quite a nice guy, invites me to parties I'm not invited to, but I kindly turn him down most times because I don't really know his other friends. Always asks if I'm okay when I look down, although I don't like talking about my problems (ironic huh?). BUT he can also be a major ass! He has crazy mood swings and the way he treats girls like they're an item (he's never friends with girls, if they don't like him, he'll be totally against them). I don't like that. He is someone who I find attractive, but honestly don't mind if we don't become a couple, I could live with it either way. Sometimes I just think its the spur of the moment.

    Overall, do you guys think he's gay? or likes me?

    Some more facts:
    - constantly sends me sexual messages
    - sends me pictures of himself (his face) idk why lol
    - asked if I wanted a bj.. (I said no)
    - he said if we were a gay couple he would be the man.
    - tells me when he thinks a guy is hot

    Reasons I don't think he is:
    - talks about girls constantly!! (this is a big factor for me)
    - made out with some girls at parties
    - doesn't like it when I touch him sometimes
    - I am always part of his little schemes to get a girl he likes (I'm friends with most girls he likes and he asks me to hook him up)

    SORRY
    , for the long message! Thanks for reading though.
     
    #1 Liam A, Aug 31, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2011
  2. feelindown

    feelindown Guest

    this message was really long so i did not read all of it except the quoted part above. my thought is that is gay friendly and probably bi-curious. i also think he is a jokester and may just be pulling your leg regarding these things just for fun or becuase he knows or thinks you may be gay. since he likes girls and is actively trying to focus on them and not you, it really doesn't matter if he is gay or not. if you like him, then even if he is gay or bi-curious is does not sound like he would be ready for a serious man on man relationship. if you dont like him him and want to come out to him (if you haven't already) then it sounds like it would be a safe place to do so. he soiunds like the person that after a few drinks in a alone place together, he may fool aroiund with you but when he sobers up he will still be trying to get with girls so i wouldn't put too much energy into this. just be frieinds. if he wants more, he will have to initiate that.
    *****
    ok, i couldn't help myself and read the whole thing. lol. ok, it's clear he is bisexual or fighting being gay. he likes you but does not want to be fully gay right now. so my answers are pretty much the same.

    1. if you want to come out to him, he's bi or gay curious anyway so it's not big deal. plus he already knows or suspects you're gay anyway.
    2. the girl thing is a front. he is trying to hold up appearances and only sees them as sexual objects because he probably really wants to be with a guy but doesn't want to "go there".
    3. if you want to hook up with him, from the little movie night activities, it's clear that he would want to hook up with you and he has basically told you twice that he wants to be the dominate or "top" in the situation. "if we hook up, he would be the man"...."i only spooned with you because i was imagining a girl". so if you are intersted in him and want to pursue it, try and come out to him and see what's up. however, to me he seems like he is the type that would not want to talk about being gay because it would make him seem weird but if gay stuff just kinda happens, he would be ok with it. basically have another movie night and everything will be crystal clear. lol.
     
    #2 feelindown, Aug 31, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2011
  3. maverick

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    He sounds conflicted. But it does sound like he likes you though, and doesn't know how to feel about it. The fact that he's cuddling and kissing all over you when he doesn't even officially know you're gay is pretty telling.

    I think the throwing-himself-at-girls thing is denial, denial, denial. With a side order of overcompensation. I dare to wager that he'll "come over to the dark side" before graduation. :lol:

    Try telling him you're gay and see what happens. He might just be afraid to make any real moves on you because you haven't actually come out to him.

    OR...

    He might just be a sport fisher trying to test his power over you to see if he's attractive to gay guys.
     
    #3 maverick, Aug 31, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2011
  4. SecretColor

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    As someone who just went thru this (the guy sent me mixed messages throughout it all too), if you think there's a strong possibility he's gay and he hasn't told you what his sexuality is, ask him. Considering he's pretty sexual or whatever with you, this shouldn't bother him that much. But don't just wait for him to make a move. That'll end up making you idealizing things to such a degree that even the best outcome won't make you happy.

    Edit: I missed the part where you weren't out to him. Come out to him first and see what happens.
     
    #4 SecretColor, Aug 31, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2011
  5. Lexington

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    Let's say he's gay.
    And let's say he's interested.

    ...then what?

    Lex
     
  6. ezkill

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    I don't think he is so much questioning as much as playing around (although I cannot say for sure).

    When I wasn't "out", I would do ALL of the things you listed under "Reasons I don't think he is gay", as well as under "reasons I think he is gay".

    Talking about girls constantly or asking you to hook him up means absolutely nothing in terms of sexuality. It could all be a cover, albeit an elaborate one, but I have gone through lengths like that before.

    And plus, the cuddling and the kissing? You have to be pretty damn comfortable with the other person and yourself to do that.

    Anyways, I arrive at the same questions Lex has. Let's assume for a second he is interested in you, although not necessarily "gay".

    Since you are both comfortable doing quite intimate, and frankly "gay" things (re: king size bed), perhaps you should take one step forward and ask him, in as non-chalant a way as possible, if he is gay or if he likes you like that.

    You have to take a gamble, although I don't think he would dump you as a friend if you asked him what you really want to ask him.
     
  7. Liam A

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    Thanks everyone, I appreciate the replies.

    There is a general consensus that I should confront him about my sexuality. I honestly don't want to. Although he calls me his best friend, he does have a habit of throwing that word around. I feel like he doesn't even know me. My interests etc. All of our conversations start and end with him.

    With regards to Lexington & Ezkill Although he has the attraction factor, I am not going to start anything. It's not something I actually want, but if it happens and he is interested in me. I will definitely go for it because I could see something happening (would be a great first experience).

    I guess I was just curious, thanks for the responses. Much appreciated!
     
  8. Lexington

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    >>>It's not something I actually want, but if it happens and he is interested in me. I will definitely go for it because I could see something happening (would be a great first experience).

    He asked you if you wanted a blowjob.
    You turned him down.
    ...I don't see anything happening. At least, unless you decide that you want something to happen. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  9. maverick

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    I agree with Lex. If I offered to give someone a BJ and they declined, I would NOT approach them again and risk getting rejected twice.
     
  10. Lexington

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    Oh, I'm not saying he won't offer again. (In fact, it wouldn't surprise me.) But so long as the OP turns down blatant invitations, there's zero chance of something sort of spontaneously "happening". :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  11. Liam A

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    That's true :lol: silly me. At the time I wasn't sure if he was gay (still unsure). Sometimes I just think he's horny and doesn't care who the giving side is. I don't want that kind of relationship.

    I guess I'll have to wait until he does something again to actually know. But I'm okay either way.

    Thanks guys, I appreciate it
     
  12. ChutneyFarmer

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    While I do know a lot of straight guys who joke about being gay to assert their masculinity, this guy seems to me bisexual, or at least an experimental stage of life.
    I think it's good that he feels confident enough to joke about sexuality, though if it makes you uncomfortable TELL HIM. The best thing you can do is talk to him. Tell him how you feel, and ask him if he feels the same way. Don't be ashamed of your sexuality, though - you should never have to hide your feelings.
     
  13. query

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    he sounds really confused and conflicted about his sexuallity, i would give him a few weeks before you you just ask him flat out if he likes you.
     
  14. Mad Man L

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    It sounds like he is unsure about his sexuality. I would definitely not say gay, I'd probably say that he is bi-curious.

    It reminds me of one my my close friends, sometimes late at night we'll do things which later on make us 'back away' from each other. He's more straight than me, but he still likes men. We don't exactly have a bromance going on, but the same thing may happen. He probably wants you to remain his friend and doesn't anything 'sexual' to come about.

    Because really, if you're straight, you'd have to be very comfortable with your sexuality to do such a thing. Generally if someone is overly gay-accepting or overly homophobic (e.g. acting like a rape victim when someone of the same sex hugs them), it's generally a relatively sure guess that it is quite possible that they are 'curious for the cock', as such. :lol:
     
  15. revolvero8

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    Im confused, i have this buddy, we're close. And fell inlove with him. I confessed my feelings through twitter private message and at the end of the statement. I said, i dont have the guts to look or to show myself to you after this so i'll gonna start avoiding you, but imgoin to try to not get awkward with youwith group(our friends). after that confession, he appears like nothing happened. I mean he always checks his twitterbut after i messaged him he stopped using his acc and going out with me like no message got him On the other day of that. I asked him to sleep with me in the dormitory bcoz im alone. And he agreed, i tried to hug him and let it, after a few mins he turned away. Weekafter that, asked him again to sleep at the dorm, he said no, his busy with his thesis, i felt sadness and pain at that moment, so i neglected him, but he tried to settled it. Butup til now no progress. I need your feedbacks. He's going to graduate this june. And i must confirm ot, or live life doing nothing. ;(

    ---------- Post added 9th May 2016 at 11:21 AM ----------

    Pls PM me.