I'd like to start out with hey everyone I'm glad there's a site like this for me to confidentially talk to people about this. Alright so I'm 18 and just joined a fraternity, I've been an athlete and regular jock all my life. So college has just started and of course I'm stressed out of my mind with homework, pledgeship, school, social life etc... I'll start from the beginning, I've always been interested in girls, I can remember getting erections from looking at naked women on porn sites when I was in 3rd grade. In about 4th or 5th grade, two of my best friends were twins and for some reason, we started experimenting sexually. I don't know why, I don't remember feeling any pleasure from it, we just did oral mostly, again, I have no idea why it seemed so long ago and it's part of me that I've chosen to forget. This is the first time I've said anything to anyone about this, EVER. I remained interested in girls all through highschool, masturbating to them, dating them, and at first when I started doing things with them like making out, I would get erections no problem. As I got older through highschool and was having consistent sex, I noticed I felt like there was something that was missing. I couldn't stay hard in condoms, and even without them after 5 - 10 minutes I go soft. I saw a doctor to get my testosterone level checked and it was normal, they said it was probably performance anxiety, which I do admit I am very focused on whether it's up or not when I'm having sex. The only other logical explanation I could think of for this is that I'm straight up gay. So I started looking at guys in a 'different' way purposely to see if I was right. Well I can notice which males are more attractive than others, and I have tried fantasizing about being with guys and it makes me feel guilty to think about it, but I think I secretly like it I can't tell. I tried watching gay porn and got very weirded out and immediately stopped watching. Something about a guy on another guy made me feel very uncomfortable. But when I think about being with a guy I can get turned on. I'm so lost and confused now, I still love seeing naked women but I don't know if I get turned on or not. When I see naked guys around the fraternity I don't get turned on either. I almost feel like I have no sex drive, I'm about to give up. I like fantasizing about women but vaginas don't excite me all that much. I thought it was normal to get hard just feeling one. I just want to know if it really IS performance anxiety and forcing myself to fantasize about being gay(and then guiltily liking it) is the issue. Or can I not get erections because I'm not attracted to women? I can't tell, but how I stand now, I just want to get a fucking erection. Watching gay porn or straight porn doesn't do anything for me. I'm way to freaked out about getting with another guy. And I'm scared to try getting with a girl because I don't want to be embarrassed by losing my erection. I have no problem with homosexuals. I know if I am gay I'll come to realize it, but as of now I really don't want to be. Is there any advice anyone can give me? I feel like I'm losing my mind
First, thanks for sharing your story. Just to let you know, I'm in college as well (sophomore), and I've always been more athletically/ sports oriented as well - to put it plainly, I'd take going to a football, basketball, soccer, baseball, etc. game over a play any day of the week. And although I'm not in a frat, I live with frat guys and most of my friends are frat brothers, so I kinda know the atmosphere you're around. From what you've said, I would venture a guess that perhaps you're bi? You seem to be at least somewhat into girls, and possibly into guys as well. I know the, ehh, "social pressures" you're facing, especially in a frat, and understand that its a heck of a time for these feelings to start cropping up. It's difficult for me to offer advice to you on where to go from here because I don't know your goals, what you want, etc. If you really want to be in the frat, then I would not suggest acting on any gay urges or whatnot during your time as a pledge. Unfortunately, that's basically a surefire way to be booted out. I guess I would suggest giving these feelings time. It can be really difficult to understand complex emotions such as these, and you don't want to rush to judgement. I've been struggling with understanding my sexuality since my early teens, and I just recently came out to someone. So, it takes time and some self-searching sometimes to come to an answer. Try to think of yourself with a guy (not just having sex, but having a relationship with one as well). Could you picture yourself doing that? One thing: don't let these thoughts and feelings overwhelm you. As a freshman in your first semester, you've got a TON on your plate and although I'm not trying to marginalize or diminish this issue in any way, you don't want it to distract you from your grades and other important things. Sorry for the long-winded response, but I hope something I said helps a little.
Welcome to EC! First and foremost - CTFD. Whatever you end up being - straight, gay, bisexual - it's no big deal. It's totally handle-able. Nothing has to change if your orientation changes. If you end up being gay, BFD, you'll just be having sex with guys instead of girls. Reassure yourself that this isn't something to freak out about, because freaking out won't do you any good, and may in fact be the cause of all this. Here's the thing about sex - it's supposed to be fun. The position of your penis CAN be a decent indicator of how interested you are, but it's not the best one. As long as you're enjoying yourself, and your partner is enjoying her/himself, then you're doing it right. I put that in bold because that needs to be your motto from here on out. Let me give you a bit of insight into the gay-sex world, because there's an important point at the end. In commercial gay porn, when it comes to anal sex, the "bottom" (the recipient) is usually stiff as a board from start to finish. But that's not usually how it works. It's not at all uncommon for the bottom to go soft for part or even most of the act. But that doesn't mean he's not enjoying himself. He's not just "enduring" this so he can get to do something else later. For guys who classify as bottoms, this is what they enjoy doing. They'd rather do this than anything else. Going soft doesn't necessarily mean they're not really a bottom, or not really gay, or that the top is doing it wrong. If the bottom is enjoying himself, and top is as well, then they're doing everything right, no matter what the penis says. I say this not to suggest that you find some guy to top you. I say it because I hope you can relate. Don't look to your dick position to determine things. If you enjoyed having sex with women, then you're probably straight (or perhaps bi). It may be you have major performance anxiety. Big deal - it happens. It's happened with me, and it's happened with the guy I've been in bed with. And when it does, we shrug it off. "Looks like I've got a bit of stage fright. How would YOU like to get off?" No big deal. And maybe that's where you need to start working yourself towards. Where if it ain't happening, big deal - it ain't happening. Get your partner off, life goes on. Might you be gay/bi? Sure, it's still possible. But it seems your biggest issue right now is the entire idea that "your dick isn't working". And I think that's the first thing that needs to be worked on. Not so much the dick as the mindset. You might try masturbating without "input". No porn, no stories, nothing. Just fantasize. About whatever. If it's girls, guys, groups, strangers, monsters, or robots. Do whatever you want to them, or have them do whatever you want to you. And - key point - enjoy it. The entire trip. If you don't stay hard, or can't reach orgasm, no big deal. Don't try to force it. Stop, enjoy the part that you did, and try again later. Lex
