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I need some help.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Gallatin, Sep 1, 2011.

  1. Gallatin

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    First off, I'd like to say that I think this site is great. I'm thrilled I found it.
    I'll try to keep this short(er), but I have a tendency to be long-winded. My apologies in advance...

    A little background on myself. I think most people would be shocked to hear that I was gay. I'm basically the quintessential straight guy (except that I like guys! :lol:slight_smile:. I've always been athletic, loved sports, hated theatre, loved action movies, slept through romances, etc. You get the idea. On the outside, I appear to be happy, well-adjusted, and without many problems. On the inside, I'm more like a turbulent hurricane of thoughts and emotions that consistently swirl about and wreak havoc.

    I'd say I knew something was off from about the time I was 12/13. Up until that point, I simply figured that these feelings towards girls that I heard about were just yet to manifest in me. However, as puberty begin to take full swing (13 yo, I'd say), I suddenly realized that I liked guys, not girls! What a shock to a young lad. Now, 7 years later, I've accepted that these feelings are not going away, and that they are here to stay. I've been through the denial, the thinking its a phase, the bargaining, the praying, the whole nine yards. I've accepted that I'm gay.

    However, self-acceptance only goes so far. I am very close to my family and to my best friends, and it pains me that I have to live a lie with them. I actually did manage to come out to one of my best friends, and suffice it to say, it was far more traumatic for me than her. I nearly worked myself into a panic attack over it. But she was 100% fine with it, and very supporting. She didn't have a clue that I was gay before that though, so apparently I do a decent job at covering it. I haven't managed to come out to any of my other best friends yet; they're all guys and for some reason, that makes it harder for me.

    Ahh, I've been rambling and I apologize (see, I told you it would happen haha). Let me get to the point.

    Every three, four months I feel this overwhelming tide of emotions rise up inside of me, trying to force their way out. Though part of me wants to come out and stop all this pretending, the majority of me shuts those thoughts down. However, each time this storm of emotions comes around, I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker towards it. It used to be I could just put it out of mind, but now, I can't stop myself from thinking about coming out, and I'll obsess over it for weeks at a time. I google coming out stories, the benefits, the negatives, the consequences, etc. like a mad man. It takes my thoughts away from other important things (like my college classes), and that's not good at all. I'm at a crossroads that I feel I've been at a million times before. Should I or shouldn't I come out? All I know, is I can't keep living in limbo like this. Either I ante up and come out, or I commit to living a lie.

    I've thought a lot about coming out to at least one of my parents when I go home for this upcoming Labor Day weekend. I'm not so afraid of their reaction; they're both pretty liberal and have no problems with gay people, in fact my dad's best friend (and my godfather) that he's known for 40+ years is gay and that's never been a problem at all. I guess I'm more afraid of breaking their hearts and dashing their dreams that they had for me. I almost never do anything that would hurt somebody, and I don't know if I have it in me to inflict that much emotional pain and distress on them. I'd rather inflict on myself a 1000 times over...

    Thanks so much for reading this, and I would appreciate any comments/advice/analysis/insight anybody has on my dilemma. Oh, and I'm willing to provide any more information (within reason) that you feel is pertinent - I just felt I had already made this long enough haha.
     
  2. Toneth

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    the truth is, my relationship got better with my parents after I came out, i was able to be more open and honest about things with them, and get their feedback on guys, it was a lil rough on my dad at first, but it all worked out fine, I'd say that you're family would be fine with it, even if they're shocked, just give em time and the chance to accept it, remember it took you some time, so they might need a little too, best of luck :slight_smile:
     
  3. Witchcraft

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    From what I know, it seems you are surrounded by loving and accepting people. And you yourself are living in fear of rejection from them. I guess if this is really bothering you alot then it may be time for you to come out because you seem very upset about it. I'm not really sure if that was helpful but I wish you the best with your decision (*hug*)
     
  4. Gallatin

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    Thank you both for your advice! I appreciate it a lot. Toneth, if you don't mind me asking, did you come out to both parents at once or separately? If you don't want to answer that, or its too personal, it's completely OK and I understand.
     
  5. query

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    sounds to me like your ready to come out. tell a good freind first, and then another until it rolls off the toungue like ordering fries, THEN tell your parents if there execpting. also try not to make a big out of it, or they might do the same. but i only came out to one person, but sounds like good advice to me! lol
     
  6. wellhidden

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    When coming out to friends and family take nice deep breaths and cam down, in truth i actually did have a panic attack when i was about to tell my friends. So umm yea take your time and relax is all im saying.
     
  7. Raeil

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    I know you can do it! It's nervewracking, but your parents sound like they'll be understanding. Also, it's great that you're already taking into account the possibility of them needing some time to adjust their mental picture of who you are, and it seems like it won't take them much time!

    Another thing, I'm actually coming out to my Dad this Labor Day Weekend as well (he's the last person on the list, as I've already told Mom and he has the power to kick me out if the unthinkable should happen)! Good luck to the both of us!
     
  8. Gallatin

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    Well good luck to you, Raeil! I hope we both have positive stories to share come next week.
     
  9. Toneth

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    no, I don't mind at all, but i came out to them separately, but they don't talk, they divorced when i was like 3, lol, so no choice
     
  10. Filip

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    Sounds like you're pretty much in the same place I was when I found this site.

    To be honest: I think that searching for coming out stories, imagining how to go about it, coming up with plans, having no problem anymore to admit it to yourself, and posting on a messageboard specifically geared towards helping people to come out all point to already knowing what you'll choose to do. When you really start planning a coming-out, it's usually a good sign that you're ready for it.

    Furthermore, I think living a lie isn't really an option anymore.
    Some time ago, when people didn't know there were other gays in the world, or (if they did know,) were convinced all gay gay people could hope for was an unhappy life, living a lie could sound better than the alternative.
    Today however? There's no reason to believe you couldn't be every bit as happy being gay as you would have been being straight. What's more: your parents and friends already know this.

    I won't lie here: when you tell them, you'll cause some awkwardness at first. They will have to change some of the scenarios they saw in store for you in the future. It might cause a pang of momentary hurt when they see you have been struggling and when they realise not all their dreams will come to pass. But they'll know you will still end up OK. They know you can be happy in life no matter your orientation. And that will help them get over it quickly enough.

    Furthermore, that momentary discomfort is way better than forever hiding yourself behind a wall, always keeping distant, and always being acutely aware you're lying to keep them inside a dream world that itn't true. Like Toneth said: odds are pretty good that if you come out, you'll have less problems being honest and open, and the relationship will even improve, over time.
    Personally, I do feel that I'm more honest and opener to people now that I'm out, which is not at all a bad feeling. Almost as if I only discovered real friendships and family afterwards.

    tldr version (I know, I can ramble too :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) is that I think it's worth it, and I have no doubt you can do it!