Questions With No Answers!

Hello guys,

Every single night I'm up trying to figuire out who the heck I am. I find myself continuiously asking myself, 'Am I gay?', I'm just seriously losing the plot here. I've been with many girls, enjoyed sex on numberous occasions. However, even from before I was a teenager, I can remember liking and looking at guys. I still do, but the sexual urge I have for guys seems to be a lot stronger than with girls. For example, I would notice a hot guy before I'd notice a hot girl. The thing is I cannot see how I'm gay if I've basically had sex with many girls, I'm wondering is this just an urge, because doing anything with a guy, is something I've never done before. You know the saying, you always want what you can't have!!! :-S

I'm fed up with this feeling forever spinning in my head, I've only recently started acknowledging that it was actually there. Its always been there, I just didn't want to see it because I cannot see how I could ever come out, if I am gay, because basically, my mum and dad are really religious and my two older brothers are just assholes who would never accept me. So yeah, then I think, have I only ever had sex with loads of girls because I didnt want people thinking I'm gay? Because it was always there, and I was always concious of the feeling, and I hated people calling me gay in school, maybe it was more cause of the reason, I knew deep down I was, but then one day I decided grow a pair and fight back with the bullies, they then left me alone. I hate the fact that if I am gay, they where all right. I guess being called gay hurts more when its actually true and people are mocking you cause of it.

Okay guys, so thanks for listening, as you can probably tell, theres like a million and one questions flying through my head, which I cannot seem to answer.

 

Okay, so I think I'm into guys more though, does this mean I'm gay, or just confused? Yeah it does seem to be alot stronger but I just dont know. Thanks though buddy. :-D

Thats actually quite funny because I was just reading your previous post from yesterday! By the way, any help is much appreciated. So yeah thanks, I just don't actually know what I want, the thing is, I hate the labels, and I don't want to face the prejudice that gay people face. I know what people say here in Ireland about gay people, well what straight people say anyway, its not nice, If I am gay, I dont want to be seen as just gay. Thats what I cannot stand, I work part time in retail, people talk, you describe someone, and someone would turn around and say, oh the gay one. Seriously there is more to a person than being gay, you wouldn't turn around and say, oh the straight one. If you know where I'm coming from.

Yeah I completely understand when you say there would be no family, I dont actually think anyone suspects that I'm gay, so I can imagine it would come as abit of a shock if I am. Grew up in a Catholic household, my dad would never look at me in the same way. He's a strong believer and not very open minded. As for my brothers, yeah they just sound like yours. The only person I can think that would actually accept me, is my sister.

I'm pretty good at giving advice so, you say you love your family right? So I guess you might be better holding in these feelings until you are sure. You might be straight, as I read on your last post that you are inlove with a girl. Maybe if you experiment more. You'll get a better view of where you stand with who you like. You must remember that if you are gay, its not the end of the world, your family have loved you your entire life, right? How can they stop now? because of some minor detail they never knew about you? :-D Take time and try to figuire things out buddy. Head up, chin high!!!

I actually tried that porntest, I dont get how thats suppose to help considering its about porn. Meh, maybe I'm doing the wrong test. Oh and btw, I'm quite good at giving advice, just not very good at taking my own.

 

Well my dads seriously religious, doesnt believe in sex before marriage, doesn't believe that man should lie with man, as he told me one day as he was driving me to school, that, Aiden, this is in the Bible. Mum on the other, not so bad, but would have trouble accepting it. As for my brothers, yeah they are would not accept me at all, they don't like gay people, and quite frankly, I think if they found out that I was gay, they'd probably say nothing, until ofcourse they where drinking, then they'd say how they really feel. They are the kind of people that just wouldn't like someone because of the way they act or get on.

Yeah I like the spectrum, thanks for you insight!

 

Yeah it did and I'm aware of that, the unclean act I mean. It's also not for us to judge, it says that in the Bible too. So you never know, what to expect, I'm just guessing maybe if I am, hopefully my dad would understand. I think my mum would love me no matter what to be honest with you. Its just my dad and my two older brothers, I find the fact of my dad quite unbearable, as for my brothers not so much, but it still kind of scares me. We've never seen eye to eye, and they've always had a grudge against me, maybe they always suspected I was gay. Maybe thats why we dont get on. But I do still love them, just hate what they represent.

Plus I'm no where close to telling any of them as you said, I want something that I know I'm sure of before coming out with something like that. I know I cannot be straight, Im leaning toward bi, then gay, then bi. I dunno anymore, its just so damn confusing!!!

 

The thing is, its actually so frustrating. I wish I could set on one thing rather than dealing with all this anger if I am infact gay. Btw banging out heads might seem like a good idea, but its not haha.

Yeah I guess your right, I am, but thats all I can go on. Its all I can really hold on to atm if you get where I'm coming from. My brothers where we hoods when they where younger, basically never grew up. Only a few months ago we had this huge fight while my parents where away. Totally went out of control, kept calling me a faggot, fruit, everything, I saw a completely different side to them. Basically got an insight into who they really are. Drunken words are sober thoughts, and that is utterly true. I can relate to you there because I'm a completely different person to my brothers too, my sister and my other brother in the other hand. I can relate to them alot better. Nope as for my brothers too, I wouldnt trust them as far as I could throw them.

I totally understand what you mean, but I dont think I could, I know what they think about gay people. They look down on them, and after their behaviour a couple of months ago. I cant seem to totally forgive them nor do I really want to. I cant accept the fact that they did that. So basically our relationship will never be the same, thats always going to be there.

I think trying to figure things out before making assumptions would be the best bet for us. :-D

 

Yes, I know what you mean, however, I know I'm going to find it hard considering I've never actually talked to anyone about this. Apart from a friend online, whos been more than a great help. But in person, I'm guessing its a completely different ball game, jezz I still find it hard typing stuff out at the minute. So yeah I agree with you, I think maybe I do need to experiment to know more. And once I start Uni at the end of the month, I'm hoping I will.

Yes condoms is something that I would need, I'm one of those people that freak out. I've always been safe with girls, so it wouldnt be different with guys. Thanks though.

Its dreadful, I mean I dont want to be something that is only described as gay, bi or whatever. There's so much more to a person than that, I think society today like to put people in their required boxes, give them their name, and thats that, but isnt there more to a story than that?

From personal experience, I must say that infact I don't think you need to be strong towards bullies, honestly a front is all you need. In most cases that is, if bullies think you will stand up to them, they wont strike twice, always remember they pick on the weak, and if you appear not to be weak. They will soon leave you alone, well thats the way it panned out for me while I was in school. So buddy, what I'm trying to say, never let anyone get you down! They aren't worth the pain, and you certainly do not deserve it.

Yeah I find it hard too, with all the gay bashing and hatred floating around, I have no gay people I really know. In Belfast, gay people seem to hide it away more, well thats my point of view anyway. Yeah I know what you mean, its like a feeling inside you eating at you day in, day out. I know the feeling, and its not nice. The only advice I could give you is, stay strong, things will hopefully work out for the better. Thats quite sad about your family, are you positive that they would not accept you! Their genes made you at the end of the day. Keep your friends close, real friends are the only ones we really need, and if the ones you have do not stick around. They aren't worth the trouble, my friends are dropping like flies here.

Hiding it seems to be my only option at the minute too, until I can figuire things out. After all thats what I've been doing since I was like 11-12. Ughhh its so damn annoying, I just keep asking, why me? I'm 20 by the way. I think you will know when the times right. But if you think your family are going to be difficult, the best bet is to wait until you have a place of your own. That way, they cannot toss you out onto the streets. I suppose if you did leave home, you would be able to experiment more and figuire out who you are without them knowing too. Atheist eh? well if I told my dad that, he would not be very happy, although, I do believe in God, well some God, the God I talk to every night. I personally find the Catholic Church very hypricritical and do not agree with alot of things they put out there. But thats just my opinion. Undecided guy? tell me about it, I think we are in the same boat dude.

Dont worry I know you are not and thanks too. Yeah keeping it in is hard, I only recently started acknowleding it. It was one night I was drinking, all my friends had went home, I just kept looking in the mirror in disgust, in anger, in confusion, I've never felt so lost and annoyed at myself in my entire life. I just sat up and wrote abit of my story on here. I then met a guy who Ive talked to ever since, so yeah, even if it is online, the helps there, and talking things through helps so much. I added you as a friend, I hope you dont mind.

Yeah, I do watch gay porn, I've always watched gay porn, thats what makes it even more confusing, like I could have had sex with my girlfriend, then maybe that night, watch two guys getting it on. Seriously what the heck, if you know what I mean.

Btw, how is the porn test suppose to help? Maybe I'm looking at the wrong test.

 

Haha, sorry, I really dont know when to shut up, I write a paragraph which then turns into a book! But sure its talking about it that helps isnt it. Yeah I've kind of came to terms that I cannot be entirely straight, I do think I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. The only people that can tell us who we are, is ourselves! It takes time and sucks big time, its the trying to figuire it out is the most challenging part I guess.

Yeah freaking out is all part of the course I guess. I know what you mean about people mocking you for giving some one more credit. Those people are not worth it! When I was in school, I was always watching who I was talking to, didnt want to appear gay or anything. But when I grew up a little, I just no longer cared what people in school thought of me, so I guess you need to learn not to give a damn. Yeah thats easier said than done, but I always try and stick up for what I believe is right, if I'm able to and see something wrong or someone treated badly, I honestly can say I tried to put a stop to it. All them years of getting picked on, I guess something good came out of it! I feel here, that people see gay people as something lower than themselves. I hate that, thats why I freak out a little too!!! All I can suggest you do in those types of situations, is to try to step back, be the bigger person, never give a damn what people think if they do not matter.

You can always start again, the key to making new friends, is talking, talking to people gets you most places, and thats what you must try your hardest to do. Have faith my friend, everything happens for a reason, ups and downs are a part of life, and they suck, but you must remember, you always come up that little bit stronger than before. So head up, you can do and be who ever you want to be!!! :-D

Maybe you should bring up just in general conversation about gay/bi or whatever, to see what way he reacts, if he reacts in a bad tone, give him your point of view on the matter, he then might agree and realise that you are infact right. If you where to tell him, please ensure you can trust him. =D

 

I'll let you into a little secret, being called a faggot, fruit, queer or whatever really really gets to me. Thats the only thing that pisses me off and hurts deep down, not that I get called it that much since I've left school. I think the last time I got called those names where with my brothers, which hurt even more considering they are family. I honestly can say I don't care if people get to me, I can usually give back what they give, but when it comes to being gay and all that, I'm also lost. I dont know weather this is due because I cannot accept the fact that I might be gay/bi or whatever. But yeah I find it difficult too, espcially if it hits home.

Thats another big thing that I think is wrong with this world, its completely ostracized, even from a young age we are pushed into believing what is right and wrong, many kind of lose there actual true opinion, and just follow the hate of society because they've always been told this is wrong, and that too. I'm rambling again, although hopefully your getting where I'm coming from.

He calls you bisexual eh? Well I've got a friend, and he always has called me gay!. Does he know that? No, hes joking too, but I do think he actually thinks I'm gay. There's always a little truth behind, 'I'm only joking'. Anyway, if I'm gay, so is he. Never need to worry, be you and try your hardest, not to let them get to you. Btw how do you become a full member here, I was going to move this convo somewhere else haha

 

Thanks for the advice, I find your the part when you say about the story you had written very good, personally I do not believe a teacher should of said that to you. Kids have imagination right? Then why tell a kid that their imagination is just not right. But then again, this is a Catholic school after all! You say your confusion was actually deniel, could you broaden what you mean please.

Thank you again..