I have known since forever that I did not feel like a woman. I have always identified with myself as a male in my mind. I am an adult now and while I have fit into society as a woman, I have felt like I am not who I am most comfortable being. I am attracted to women. I am in my twenties and awhile ago decided to try something to see if it would help me feel more comfortable with who I am. I decided to play an online video game but as a man. Like most online video games, this one had a playerbase that interacted with each other about the game and sometimes about their personal lives. I helped people in the video game and in the chat, I would talk small talk but I identified myself as a man. It was to be an experiment that no one would know but me. It was just a switch of pronoun and how I identified myself, to see how I felt being recognized as a male rather than a female. Initially, I wanted to separate this experiment from my personal life. So I changed some of the details about my expressed self, so as to differentiate in my mind a little. I was worried some that people from my real life could randomly end up being in the game community, since the game community is by area of the country (fastest/closest connection from home computer to gameworld). So to clarify, I basically have lied about my gender, and a few details about my life that only would come up a few times but enough to not seem like who I really am so that I can feel a safe distance from the experiment and those in my real world around me. I still have not come across anyone that I know, to my knowledge. So this isn't an issue.. but was one I was not sure if would even come up. Since I began identifying as male, I have felt more comfortable with socializing among men and among women or mixed gender chat situations. I also feel more myself in expressing myself. So what is it I seek advice about? Some of the people I have come to know through small chat, I have gotten to know fairly well - as well as one could over the internet, I suppose. Granted, I know there are limitations; especially when you consider the lie I was leading. I feel most certain though that this woman I have gotten to know is genuine, while I am not fully genuine. I know that she wants a man in her life. My experiment was to help me prepare for a real life transition to switching pronouns and identifying as male before beginning the journey toward transitioning into being a male. We have become close, not in any sexual way but in friendship. I want to confess to her about my experiment but I feel like no matter what I say, just in telling her that I was lying, it would result in losing that friendship. That is what matters most, but there is also a small hope that she would be one of the rare women who never intended on being with an FtM but chooses to. How can I bring this up without coming across like a freak? Should I just bid her fair well and move on?
Welcome to EC! My person thought is this. The "rules" for online interaction are pretty much being made up as we go along. We don't have a lot of history and tradition to fall back on. So I wouldn't worry too much about the fact that you haven't told her this yet. My thought is that you do tell her, but perhaps phrase it differently. Your explanation is truthful and makes sense, but at the same time, it seems to emphasize the wrong things. It almost reads like "I've been deceptive, and I'm sorry." But the fact is, you really haven't been. You didn't sign on as a male because you wanted to fuck with people, or because you thought you'd rack up a higher score. You signed on as a male because you believe that you are male. And THAT is the thing that needs to be emphasized when you tell her. It might go something like this (and other transfolk can hopefully correct any of my terminology that is off - this isn't my forte): "There's something I really do think I need to tell you. Biologically, I was born female. However, I've always felt I was male. I self-identify as male, and consider myself a male who is attracted to women. I am still pretty early in the transitional steps, but I created my online account as a male because that's what I truly believe I am. Since we've been getting fairly close recently, I felt this is something you needed to know." Telling her this way emphasizes a few things: 1. you were not trying to be deceptive 2. you are telling her this because you feel she deserves to know 3. it emphasizes your true gender (male) rather than your current one (female) That said, there's still a decent-to-good chance that she won't be interested in a relationship with someone who wasn't born male. That's a given. But at the very least, I think this is more likely to result in keeping the friendship intact. Lex
