I posted this at hipforums too, before I found this site. I feel a little awkward writing this, but love that I can. The internet is pretty awesome. I just turned 28. My whole life I've known that I lean towards being gay, but I still retain some sexual attraction to women. However, I was very depressed for most of my teenage and young adult life. I'd say from about age 14 to 24. And during that time, I had major body image issues, which still persist but not nearly as bad as before. I thought I was just ugly, no one could find me attractive, not any part of me. I avoided every kind of relationship, and have never had one to speak of. I have had sex or any kind of physical encounters maybe 20, 25 times. More with women, a few times with guys, but not going very far with guys simply due to lack of comfort and experience. (Instead of exploring relationships/sex, I did other things. So I have a pretty kickass career and I've gotten to do and try all kinds of other awesome stuff which I'm grateful for. A couple of years ago my best friend died in an accident, and it sent me soul-searching. I've decided to change careers and live more the way that I want, but more importantly and necessarily, I recently decided to embark on a more serious journey towards self-acceptance. This is hard thing for me, as my depression was almost entirely about me fighting against myself--my sexuality, my interests, my physical body, my ways of thinking, everything. Part of this process has made me realize that I want to have a relationship with a guy. I'm kind of coming out. Most of my friends know I'm bi, but having a relationship would be radical for me. But here's the thing. I don't yet love myself, I'm not yet relaxed and comfortable. And I (obviously) have almost no experience. I started dating this guy recently (he's gay, a tiny bit younger than me, and very very chill) but I think he might see me as a "project" because I haven't accepted myself, and because I am so eager, and inexperienced. He's very sweet and doesn't judge me when we're together but I feel like he's a bit on edge because I am in such a hurry to change. At the same time, I know nothing about sex and next to nothing about my body. And I am not into all the bullshit about dating--being strategic with text messages, playing hard to get, or any other games. Because I'm so inexperienced, I really feel lost, and often quite down about how I didn't allow myself to explore any of this in years past. It's harder to start this kind of thing when you're older, but not impossible of course. I met this guy online, and I'm not the kind to just go to some bar and meet people. So my questions are kind of the following: - Advice in general? - How to approach dating with someone experienced and relaxed, when I'm inexperienced and kind of eager? - How to get to know my body and sexuality more without resorting to NSA meetings in bars? (Obviously masturbation is good but there's definitely something really different and important about being with other people.) - How to feel more OK with myself and my state? - Any tips for getting to self love, and whether or not I should give up on dating or whatever until I reach some better place with that? Thanks all.
I'm 28 also! Same situation, although I'm a virgin myself. I've focused more on my goals and career. I've lived in three states already and have had several jobs in the entertainment industry. I am currently attending graduate school for my master's in Theatre. I've been burned a lot by a lot of guys. I try to become their friends and something always seem to happen negatively. It's a current situation of mine and i've been having a rough time coping with it. I've been trying to build myself back up and find more positive friends to be around but its been work.
- How to approach dating with someone experienced and relaxed, when I'm inexperienced and kind of eager? No real advice here. He apparently knows where you stand, which is the most important thing. Because he's got some more experience, I'd say you might have him take the lead, but you (of course) have the right of refusal. Do consider the things he says carefully - don't jump into anything immediately, nor reject anything out of hand. Mull it over, decide if it's not too far out of your comfort zone, and then move ahead based on that. - How to get to know my body and sexuality more without resorting to NSA meetings in bars? (Obviously masturbation is good but there's definitely something really different and important about being with other people.) There's this unspoken belief among men, women, gays and straights in what I call "the expert virgin". That's somebody that has never had sex before, but the first time they get into bed with somebody, they perform like a professional. And I guess, like everything else, there are a select few people who "catch on" pretty quick. But for the rest of us, it's trial and error. We learn on the job, so to speak. And that often means legs cramping up, and elbows in the eye, and inappropriate use of teeth, and whatever else. And that includes what YOU like. You'll eventually learn that (say) you love topping while lying on your back, and not be a fan of having your scrotum played with while you get a blowjob, and whatever else. And you'll find this out by having him do these things. And yeah, it'll be unusual and weird and feel awkward when you first do it - just like it felt weird and awkward when you rode a bike the first time. But eventually, you learn the ropes, and you learn your favorites, and away you go. - Any tips for getting to self love, and whether or not I should give up on dating or whatever until I reach some better place with that? Nope, you're doing it right. You're not an expert, but that's simply because you've never done this stuff yet. You learn this stuff by doing, which is what you're doing. As far as self-love, you've got the right idea. You find what you like, you do it, you love it, and you love loving it. And you do it because you love it. And if that involves being a corporate banker, or bowling twice a week, or cup stacking, or coloring coloring books, or getting laid in the bathroom, go on with your bad self. Lex
1. advice: you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. start the work there first. seek counseling support or positive gay groups that can help you find some level of self acceptance. 2. dating experienced peopel: be honest and find someone that is supportive and patient. dating other types of people that aren't supportive and patient will only make you feel bad. 3. getting to know your body: self exploration would be your best bet. i do not recommend adding new poeple to this mix when you are so new. but if you do want to add another humanoid to the mix, look for someone mentioned in #2. 4. feeling more ok: idk, that's a hard one. there's no formula really. the best way i think is to meet positive uplifting like minded people that you can surround yourself with. isolating yourself in a island does feel safe but it's also very isolating and confusing and lonely. make great friends. 5. See #4 and focus on making friends and not dating at this point.
You sound kind of like my story, only with a lot more sex. As of a month ago, I have a boyfriend now so I can tell you that learning to love yourself is the right direction to go in. All those thoughts that you were avoiding thinking about - think about them. Look in the mirror and go, "yeah, I'd date myself" or something similarly affirming from time to time. It'll take time, but it works.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. I had this impression that gays were somehow 'less than', and as a result I struggled for a long time before accepting myself. EC helped with that, as I came here and found a whole lot of awesome people who were gay. And if they were gay and awesome, then I could be gay and awesome too. Hopefully, you'll feel the same way before long. I also benefited from counselling. I would strongly recommend working with a therapist of some kind to talk about what it is you're feeling. Having an unbiased professional to bounce things off of, and who will challenge your way of thinking, can work wonders. As for the other things, Lex covered it. Whether you're 18 or 28, you need to learn about sex the same way - by trying it. And as suggested above, finding someone who is patient and understanding is key. Someone who understands where you're coming from and is willing to go at your pace. And don't be too hard on yourself through the process either. It's supposed to be fun.
