I'm a 27 year old female. I'm currently back home visiting friends and family for a few weeks, and I've been hanging out a lot with my good guy friend. Long story short a month ago he was assaulted in a freak incident and was nearly killed, but has since almost fully recovered. He seems to have a new lease on life, but is still the same person. Anyway, long story short, he really really likes me. He confessed to liking me last summer, and last night he asked me if he could take me out sometime. He did it in a very nice manner, told me I was wonderful, etc. It wasn't awkward. He told me that it wouldn't bother him if I said no. But anyone can say that, it's still going to bother him a little bit. He was asking me if no guys back in California where I'm living were asking me out and that it was a crime. Anyway, I'm sick of lying to him. I'm wondering if I should just tell him I am gay instead of constantly just saying no to him without a good explanation. I mean, there are other reasons that it would be hard...living on opposite sides of the country, and the fact that he is quite a bit older than me. I don't know. I just feel like he is a great person and deserves to know that it's not anything wrong with him, I just could never like him in the romantic sense. I'm still in the closet completely except online here and a couple other websites. And to my psychologist haha. Anyway, I'm just tired of turning down guys and not being able to tell them WHY. I just feel bad. I broke my best (guy) friend's heart in college, and although I was still in denial about being gay, I just could not love him as more than a friend. And I could never tell him why. I just don't know if this is a good situation in which to come out to my first person. The positives are that I am pretty sure he'd take it OK, would still be my friend, etc. Plus, I really don't see him all that much anymore since I moved across the country. If he didn't take it well I'd lose the friendship maybe, but at the same time it's kind of an unbalanced friendship anyway: although we get along great, he likes me and I can't return the affection. I'm wondering if telling him I'm gay would balance the friendship out. I have no idea. Just looking for thoughts.
When I was first coming out, I told a girl who liked me. We're now best friends and the experience of coming out to someone who was accepting of me really boosted my confidence. Of course, the key word there was accepting. I could tell that she would accept me for who I was, even though it would sadden her to know we could never be together. Do you think that he will behave similarly? If so, well, go ahead!
There's one major thing to remember when coming out: It's about you, not about others. If you are ready to come out, and you feel that your friendship will become stronger through coming out, then by all means come out to him! However, if you're not ready to come out, and you would only be coming out to attempt to solidify this friendship, it's probably not a good idea. Follow your heart if you are ready, follow your mind if you're not.
When I saw your subject header, my gut was to say "no, don't use your sexuality as a convenient way to deflect male attention," but I actually think it might be a good idea. He sounds like a true friend who would be supportive and appreciate the truth. Only do so if you're ready, though.
Well, there was this guy who kinda had a crush on me, and I'd already gently let him down, but he wouldn't leave me alone. Nothing like a stalker or something, he was always sweet, but he was like 'what isn't there yet, can still come, right?' So I told him that I'm gay and he said: 'Well, that really is the best reason not to like me.' He still flirts with me sometimes, but he flirts with everyone (and, honestly, so do I) so I don't care about that. So I think it's good to tell him that you're gay, because then at least he'll know it's nothing personal (I don't know if you would go with him if you were straight, but whatever) and he'll also understand why you don't like him, why you can't like him that way. But only if you're ready. Good luck (*hug*)
