So, here's the back-story to all this: My dad and mom divorced when I was a kid, my mom wanted to make it work, my dad wanted to walk out. My dad and me still spent time together over the years, but he was more of a friend and less of a father. Speed up time a bit and he re-marrys and forgets I exist for a very large portion of time. Then all of a sudden he wants the perfect nuclear family with me as his son in his new family. After giving it a try I came to the conclusion I dislike my step-mother and have nothing in common with my step-sister. On top of that, I felt obliged to come out to my dad, and while he took it amazingly, I later found out through my mom's email account that he thought it was a phase and that it was something I'd grow out off. Then, as I'm about to go off to college, he decides to reserve his money for his daughter's college education (my step-sister who he's know for only a year). Luckily between my mom and me, I have enough to get through the first year. I've been giving my dad the silent treatment for a few months now, and at first he did the same. But now he's making a huge deal out of my unresponsiveness and is outraged that I would ignore him. So here's my dilemma: Should I confront him and list off all the things that I'm pissed off about to him (walking out on my mom, never being a father figure, disbelieving that I'm bi, demanding I be a part of his new family, withholding money he always promised would go to my college education)? Or: Should I just keep ignoring him and just cut him out of my life? If all I ever get out of the relationship is heartache, then isn't it best to be rid of the relationship? Or: As cruel as it would be, try playing the part of being his perfect son so I can try to get money for college? Then once I was out of school just break off contact. As mean as it sounds, it would be payback for all the pain he's caused me. Or would that be stooping to his level? I could really use some advice on this. Not sure how long I can keep ignoring this issue.
Go with the 3rd, maybe after a while he'll start accepting it. You never know. My friend's brother did the same thing, and his parents finally accepted it about a year after he graduated college. I think with parents it's a lot easier to talk to them once your moved out and heading towards a successful life, they look at you as an adult better then they do.
Just confront him on everything. Tell him what you really think. Maybe he will think its brave of you to be honest with him.
Let me take the options out of order. >>>As cruel as it would be, try playing the part of being his perfect son so I can try to get money for college? Then once I was out of school just break off contact. As mean as it sounds, it would be payback for all the pain he's caused me. Or would that be stooping to his level? Horrible idea. Yes, it would mean stooping to his level, but perhaps even more so, because the odds of it working are minimal. Do you really think you can play "perfect son" so well, and for so long, that he'll take that money he's got put away for his step-daughter's college fund and just transfer it over to you? You think his wife won't have some words with him about that? You really think you can keep that "perfect son" facade up for three or four years? And even if you manage to pull it off at the outset, do you really think that - given his past history - he won't pull another 180 and decide "You know what - I've decided that my stepdaughter is my REAL child, so I'm going to cut you off again"? Bad idea all around. >>>Should I confront him and list off all the things that I'm pissed off about to him (walking out on my mom, never being a father figure, disbelieving that I'm bi, demanding I be a part of his new family, withholding money he always promised would go to my college education)? This one's tough. It's tempting to suggest you go for it, but it's VERY easy to slip up here. Let me just take one example out of the ones you list - him disbelieving you're bisexual. Remember - he said to YOU (apparently) everything he should've. He was actually supportive, not argumentative or disbelieving. The only evidence you have of him not believing you is in an e-mail he sent to your mother...one which, if I'm reading this correctly, wasn't meant for your eyes. And of course, you don't have any context for the e-mail. Maybe he does feel that way, maybe he doesn't. But the fact remains that, to you, your father did everything right - he said the right things, and if he had doubts, he didn't tell you about them. Now then. Say you confront him about this in your e-mail rant. Your argument there is going to be pretty weak. Because he SAID the right things to you, and the only evidence you have against him is something which you obtained by snooping through your mother's e-mails. That'll be a fairly easy accusation to counter. And by including this accusation, you'll dilute the entire argument. You'll be giving him openings to counter-argue your point of view. If you're going to go that route, you'd best be on very sturdy ground, or else it'll become a nitpick fest. If you do go this route, I'd say it's best to stick to obvious faults, or complete generalities. And I think the latter would probably be best. "I've honestly gotten tired of having you jump in and out of my life - attempting to make me 'part of the perfect family' at one point, and then all but ignored at other points. I think it'd be best if we just agreed to part company, and we can both get on with our individual lives." >>>Should I just keep ignoring him and just cut him out of my life? If all I ever get out of the relationship is heartache, then isn't it best to be rid of the relationship? Almost definitely the smartest move. Lex
If I was in your position I would just confront him about it and put your feelings out there for what they are because you aren't going to get closure any other way.
The only problem about confronting him is that he could easily just disown you. I've seen it happen, that exactly thing happened my boss (ha...hes not actually my boss it's just that he's kinda my 2nd boss at the zoo I volunteer at) his family literally doesn't like him for confornting him, they won't even allow him their home for holidays.
Thanks to everyone who posted, I'm still undecided on what I should do, but all of your advice helps a lot. You have a lot of good points Lex, and I do feel more inclined to just leave the issue alone and keep ignoring him. While I didn't break into my mom's email (my mom had a email from financial aid at my college and asked me to log on and look at it, but when I logged on that email was pulled up.) I do think that it would turn into a back and forth shouting match rather then a discussion. And yes, while I know trying to fit into my dad's demented world for money isn't the right thing to do and would probably not work, a small part of me does wish I could have a relationship with him. Not the perfect-always-smiling-never-talk-about-the-issues sort of relationship, but at least the friendship we used to have. To me, I don't think that's to high of an expectation, but maybe I'm looking at it from a skewed perspective.
>>>Not the perfect-always-smiling-never-talk-about-the-issues sort of relationship, but at least the friendship we used to have. To me, I don't think that's to high of an expectation, but maybe I'm looking at it from a skewed perspective. Well, I don't know if you have experience with the following example, but most of us older folks have. Most people have favorite restaurants - ones where we just really love the food, the ambiance, the decor, everything. But from time to time, these restaurants get bought by somebody else, and they decide to "update". And so the restaurant ends up getting new tables, and a more "exotic" menu, and whatever else. To promote these changes, they often put up a new sign saying "UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT!" But when you go there, you miss how it was. Even if you think the new lettuce wraps are pretty good, and the new decor is quite nice, you miss that greasy bacon burger they used to serve, and those old comfortable tables. And it's not uncommon for people to KEEP going back to these restaurants, and keep getting disappointed because deep down, they keep hoping to get that bacon burger at their old table...even though they know they never will. Not to put too fine a point on it, but your father's under new management. Lex
