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Everything's going great except...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by FJ Cruiser, Sep 5, 2011.

  1. FJ Cruiser

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    I've been in college for about two weeks now, and it's been amazing so far. I love my university and the city it's in. Everybody here is open and friendly, and I'm finally comfortable with myself to where I can actually have a social life. It's been some of the most fun I've ever had, and I'm settling into a new mode of life.

    Everything's been going great except now I'm really wanting a boyfriend. Now that I'm over much of my nervousness, it's been pushed to the forefront of my mind, and I'm really just craving that kind of companionship that normal friendships just can't give. I've never been in a relationship before, and now finding one has become priority. Admittedly, it's been distracting me from other important things.

    The problem is I have no idea where to find a guy. I know it carries a pejorative meaning in the LGBT world, but the best term I can come up with to describe what I'm talking about is "straight-acting." I slip past sensitive gaydars, and I act/dress/have the same interests as the stereotypical straight guy (please note I'm talking in generalities/stereotypes, so please don't take offense or try to correct me). I'm seeking the same type of guy, so even if I've run into openly gay guys that I'd be into, the conversation has never gotten to the point where they mention it. Heck, I've even reached a point where I'll answer truthfully if I'm asked, but no one thinks to ask me, and it's just not me to advertise it.

    Sorry, this is just a little bit of a vent, but I'm sure a couple of you have been in the same situation. How do you meet other non-stereotypical gays/How do you cope with the loneliness?
     
  2. olides84

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    No good amigo! I understand that you are more comfortable with your orientation and all that, but don't put that pressure on yourself right now. You said you are having an awesome time, making friends and living the college life. A relationship will happen if you want it, but put it down on the priority list right now.
    How bout just meet gays, period. You may think you have a type, and that's cool, but don't block yourself off from meeting any gays, whether in clubs, meetups, whatever. Because either one of these "not-your-type" guys might be awesome bf material after all, or they can link you up with their gay friends, invite you to parties, and all that stuff.
    And loneliness? It sure didn't sound like you were lonely, since you are meeting all these new people. Keep doing that. And don't let lack of a bf make you think that you are lonely. You can have an amazingly fun freshman year without being in a relationship. I know I did!
     
  3. Psymark

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    Is there any LGBT group in your college? If yes, it might be a good idea to check it out. You could meet people just like you.
     
  4. Gallatin

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    I'm in a very similar situation to you right now. I'm at college too, and like you, gaydar never picks me up. I would echo Psymark's suggestion: check out an LGBT group on campus. I went to one at my school last year, but I hadn't come out to anybody and wasn't really ready yet. But I'm feeling a lot more confident now, and so I'm going to check it out again. When I did go before, all the people were really nice and welcoming. And I bet if you did go, you'll feel less lonely than before!
     
  5. Mr.Pushover

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    I applaud you for realizing this. Lex would have something to say about this, but I think I'll keep my mouth shut about it for now.


    As for your situation, it's very understandable that you want a relationship. Many of us want that, too. You just have to put yourself out there, and take the risk of meeting someone new, asking them out, if they say 'no', then tough--find a new one.
     
  6. BradThePug

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    I can understand how you feel. I've been in college for a couple of weeks too. I just wanted to meet some LGBT people because the ones at my old school did not like me that much.

    I would see if there is a LGBT group at your school. That's how I've made a lot of my friends. Also, don't try to hurry when it comes time to be in a relationship. You'll just end up hurting yourself and the other person involved.
     
  7. feelindown

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    well first thing, make school your priority and its great that you're having a great time. i do not think what you said was offensive at all and there was no need to preface with with saying it was not offensive. you like masculine guys that dont fit into gay sterotypes. nothing wrong with that. you said that you have run into openly gay guys that you woudl be intersted in...so the question is, how come you didn't make a move. they do not think you are gay or maybe they don't know so they are respecting your space. the best thing you can do if you're interested in anyone is just to offer to hang out, get their number like any other normal dude woudl get a number from a new friend, and see what happens. if they are gay, and you are intersted and you make a point to try and develop a friendship with them, then things will unfold in time and they will eventually ask you if you are gay or not or you may decide to tell them. at my age, i'm still having a problem meeting non sterotypical gays so i can't be of much help, but just also realize that just because they are masculine doesn't mean they do not fit into a "sterotype". my best advice is to make a great friend, hang out with him, see if he knows other friends you can hang with and you may meeet someone cool.
     
  8. FJ Cruiser

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    I think you misunderstood one part of my post. I said that even if I've run into openly gay guys I'd be into, I wouldn't know about it because the conversation has never reached the point to where they would mention it.

    I think part of the problem is that of the three guys I'm hanging out with much of the time, two have girlfriends from high school (that are going to the same school as us), and the other has found one that he's all but unofficially dating. That leaves me as being the third, fifth, and sometimes even seventh wheel. Also, I'm several hundred miles away from my family, so I miss that certain stability of them being there. On top of that, I'm out to no one here.

    I think I just need to give myself time to meet more people and build friendships where I'm comfortable enough to come out.
     
  9. Jim1454

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    I think you'll find yourself far less frustrated with the prospect of meeting someone once you're out. And college is a great place to do that - from what I've gathered from others here. If you're not out yet, it's going to be tough to start dating someone.

    So think about doing that next. I bet one of those girlfriends (or maybe even one of your guy friends) know another gay guy who they can introduce you to. But at the moment, they don't know you want to meet him.

    I'd also try to put to the side (for the time being) this objective of getting a boyfriend. I think it's one of those things that will happen on it's own when you're in a good place and feeling good about yourself and your situation. Having "Get boyfriend" at the top of your to do list makes it too forced and unatural.
     
  10. feelindown

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    agreed. take time, get to know others, when you feel comfy come out to only a few poeple, no need to come out to teh whole school what's the point. take your time, do what you want to do, ultimately you have the answers.