Now I'm Guilty

Hey,

I'm not too much experianced in this section, but I'll try and help anyway. I personally do understand that, in one sense, with the girl ofcourse, you can have everything you've ever wanted (children, job, friends, etc) However, can you say to yourself, is this enough for you.? If you are into guys and definitely know it, how long do you think you can keep up with a relationship with this girl?

Just say you did go ahead, and lived that way of life. That gut feeling will always be there eating and eating away at you until. *Bang* Its just too much, and you can't handle it anymore, you won't see away out without hurting this girl. By going ahead and not acknowledging the fact that you are gay, you are digging a bigger hole for yourself to climb out of in the end. She'll be hurt now, just imagine if you continue to this for years? Your be hurt, guilty and suddenly wonder where it all went wrong? Its not fair on her, and its also not fair on you.

So I suggest telling this girl that you are not interested in her that way, continue being friends, and when you are ready, tell her that you are gay. As for your job, they do not need to know that you are gay, not yet anyway, and certainly not if you do not want them too. Your dreams of becoming a father are not shattered if you decide to take the other route of life, you can adapt, yes it will be hard, but your get there in the end. Have faith my friend, hope I helped, Sorry for the long post.

A-
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"For every dark night, there's a brighter day" - Tupac Shakur

 

It's a tough decision. Here are some things to consider. Are those goals so important to you that you would lie to your family, your friends, your future wife and children to achieve them? Do you think that you would be happy going through with what you've started? Is happiness necessarily what you want out of this?

 

For her sake I would advise not dating her. Girls hearts are easily broken.

 

^ This.

If you're gay, I doubt the two of you will be sexually compatible.

 

While you're unsure, it's probably safest to not date anyone. I'm somewhat on the same boat... I'm not completely sure of my label at this point, so to avoid hurting some nice girl, I am just avoiding it for the time being.

But, I know what you're going through. There is a girl that I've had my eye on for a few years now... She's always had a boyfriend, so I didn't broach that subject. But despite us being good friends, I've never actually wanted to date her. I've thought about it, sure... but have always concluded that I don't want to ruin a good friendship (which, sadly, happens with me all too often). And since I've recently come to the realisation I'm probably gay, I truly only see it as a good friendship. I'm considering even coming out to her because I feel like she'd understand and be supportive. She's sort of a magnet for a lot of different types of people, and I feel like she'd be really cool if I told her this.

But, despite all that, friendships/relationships like that are what keep me from actually picking the label of "gay." There is part of me that thinks perhaps I'm bi. I can't answer for you, but have you considered that possibility?

I have been honestly trying to focus on what I'm really thinking when I see attractive people:

For the friend mentioned above, I see just a good friendship (one that I definitely don't want to ruin). For the cute guy across the room in one of my night classes-- I seriously get nervous to even get within 5 feet of him, but I did get a chance to catch is briefly eye-line the other day. For random girls walking around campus, I really don't find myself staring at them, or even noticing extreme hotness unless one of my friends starts saying "woah damn..." At that point I have to specifically scan to figure out what they're talking about. This has happened to be several times, especially since I've let myself actually stare at guys. But I'm really not confident in what I'm feeling at this point-- it takes time to figure out.

 

He said he is sure that he's gay, but thinks that he wants to go through with it anyhow.

 

Ah, you are correct. I forgot how he started out the topic, and from the rest of it got the vibe that he wasn't 100% confident he was gay. (My interpretation was probably way off the mark).

yea, my post was a complete fail and not relevant to his situation.

I do agree with this post however:

 

Eek, that's quite a situation. As good option as dating her and keeping everything you have sounds, it won't work in the long run and it will definitely not be fair for her.

It sounds like you need to jump and be honest although you will then risk losing everything you know. I would start by telling her. It's not too late yet, and the longer you wait the later it will get. This is the time to do it.

And even will lose your friends and need to change your job, then you will in the end find yourself a lot happier with new friends and a workplace that will accept you. And you know, the real friends will accept you as who you are. If the friends you have now are not able to do that, they are not your real friends. You should be able to be honest to your friends about everything and they will be there for you to support you. The world is full of people and opportunities. Don't limit yourself with what you have now if you can't be honest and happy with it.

Dude, this is it. It's time to be honest and open the door. The world is waiting for you.

 

You already started on anxiety, guilt-trips and self-hate before date one. Trust me on this: continuing the lie will only make it worse, and this is not one of those times you want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. You really don't want to end up as a middle-aged guy caught on a highway parking high on drugs, fooling around with a guy you met 5 minutes before.


I do understand that dating feels the logical thing to do.
Personal anecdote: Even after I was out to a few friends already, I seriously considered dating a girl once, when given the option (set up by a friend I wasn't out to, in fact). It seemed logical, it would have met with no resistance, and the thought of giving everyone else what they wanted from me was really seductive.

But yet: as much as I like logic, there was no escaping that it didn't feel right. Not in the way my heart jumping up felt right when some cute guy showed me even a glimmer of attention.. And the more I thought about it, the more it felt revolting that I should subordunate everything, even my private life, to what others wanted, just for fear of offending them.

At which point I decided (pushed by those friends I WAS out to) to just be open with this girl and spill the beans (all of them, including coming out). She was disappointed and a little bit hurt, but also seemed to understand my reasons. Not the most enjoyable conversation I had, but again the relief I felt at not going on that date proved it really was the right thing to do.


Bottom line: I don't think taking the "easy" route is all that easy in the first place. It will lead up to hurt and regret and lots of self-hate in the end. Even (or maybe especially) while you're supposedly "living the dream". While you might have gotten her hopes up, it's still best to be totally honest about not being interested now, before you really start lying.

Coming out, and making an openly gay life work might seem like a daunting task. But you might want to consider it anyway. That's not a race, though. You can do it one at a time, starting off with the most trustworthy and accepting friends first. Then, once you have them as backing, you can work your way outward. Even a lot of conservative gay-unfriendly people come around once they find out that you're still you, but just happen to have been gay all along. In a way, you owe them a chance to prove they are the kind of friends and family who like you just for who you are.

Should that really not pan out, then you can still move to a new place where it's less tricky being gay. But at least you won't be caught in an ever-widening spiral of negativity.

(*hug*)

 

I'll echo what everyone else has said already. Don't go down this road. It won't work.

I was so deep in denial that I didn't realize I was gay until after I was married. So I wasn't consciously fooling anyone - although I was subconsciously fooling myself. I had a wonderful wife, two beautiful daughters, a nice house in a very desireable neighbourhood north of Toronto. We had a golden retriever and a Volvo station wagon. I was the bread winner, taking the commuter train into the city and my wife worked part time as a nurse so she could be home most of the time with our kids. It sounds like I was living in a Norman Rockwell painting - picture perfect. And I was miserable. For a while I didn't know why I was so depressed. But then I started to realize what the problem was, and my depression worsened. Eventually I couldn't live with myself.

I strongly recommend you don't take that path - especially knowing that it's a lie going in.

I'd also challenge you in terms of how everything you want will be impossible to achieve as a gay man. Really? Maybe if you live in Backwoods Nowhereville, but not if you were to live in a more liberal part of the country. Don't assume your family won't be accepting until you find out - they'll likely surprise you. And don't write off your career ambitions either. Or the desire to have a family. All of those things are doable. And you'd feel good about doing them, rather than feeling guilty.