Before I go into detail I'd like to admit that I am new to this. So if I'm doing something wrong or just taking up forum space I apologize. I don't know where to begin so I guess I'll just start with something I feel comfortable with. I actually love roller coasters, just not the one I'm riding. I can't help but think of childhood memories of the scary Mr Toad ride at Disney world or conquering my fear of heights on the Dragster at Cedar Point. Even with all of these experiences on my belt I feel that I'm coasting up a hill higher than I've ever seen, in a train car without a seat belt, all by myself. Nobody is in the car with me, or any of the ones behind me. I'm told they are with me but I still feel alone and terrified. I can't give an exact date on when I found out, because there isn't one. Only a collection of events that lead to a giant moment. Starting some time in junior high and climaxing during the summer before my senior year. It was just little things at first, like not thinking the girl all my friends were pointing out in the hallway was interesting, my body told me she was but my mind had other thoughts. Some of them being what it felt like to hold one of my friend's hands. Ideas like this were quickly shoved away some place before I could dwell on them. Then things started to get more scary, I started experimenting. Maybe even lashing out at myself subconsciously. Punishing myself erotically or emotionally it all ended the same, with me saying "I'll never do it again" and locking it deep inside of my heart. This is when I started acting out in class, growing apart from my friends. By Freshman year I only had two friends left, and one of them was trying to distance himself from me. I hadn't even had a friend that was a girl for years. My downward spiral continued until I was lying on the floor in my own bile. Sobbing uncontrollably wondering why nobody liked me and cursing myself for not being "normal". Soon after I made a decision that probably saved my life, I enrolled in a vocational school. I started making new friends, getting better grades, missing less days, and overall felt more happy. I was popular for the first time since 4th grade. But my self-hatred was still there, I tried not to show it but I'm sure some people noticed. I would have random thoughts of suicide still, I'd see all my friends going out with their opposite sex while I would still be alone and bitter. Things stayed that way until junior year when I bumped into an old friend from Freshman Gym class (a time that my heart can not bear to relive.) His name was Matt, though he liked to be called James. He had these beautiful full brown eyes, was tall and tan, with a scruffy working man's beard that he could never seem to keep shaved. He was my best friend throughout junior year, he was in nearly all of my classes, shared the same lunches as me, and always walked with me to the buses at the end of the day. I know it sounds corny, but whenever I got ready to go to school I would think of him. Looking back I wonder how I didn't know sooner. Now this is one of the hardest things I've had to write so far. The last time I saw him was walking to the buses during the last day of school. We said our goodbyes and boarded our separate buses (his would take him to our high school for another pickup and mine would take me directly to my house). Not a day went by during that summer that I didn't think of him for what seemed like five hundred times. Though I know it sounds foolish and trivial, I never managed to work up the courage to ask for his e-mail or phone number. Well that was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life. The day senior year started I was pumped, new classes that I was excited for with teachers that still manage to amaze me (one being my chemistry teacher who seems ill-fit to work around dangerous chemicals but still makes chemistry more fun than imaginable.) I met all my old friends, some transferred that year while others were from last year. Though I still didn't see James. Lunch time arrived, I felt for sure that I'd see him and that we could spend the whole time talking about our vacations. But he wasn't there, I didn't even notice that everyone around me was a sophomore (sophomores have a different color uniform than the juniors and seniors, of whom have uniforms related to the subjects they study.) I was too busy looking for James. Bell rings and I head to my next class, noticing all my class mates from last year are still there (this is my career tech class) I was puzzled, second bell rings and everyone heads down the hall. I'm stopped by our new tech teacher and asked why I wasn't there. Turns out our schedule confused me and I went to the wrong lunch. So I figured that maybe James had the lunch I was supposed to be in. So I wait until the next day, lunch time comes and goes but still no James. I start to have doubts in my mind and those doubts explode out of me when another friend tells me how James moved away over the summer. I still don't know what happened, the only thing I remember was running into the bathroom and stumbling over everyone because I couldn't see. I spent the rest of lunch time crying in a secluded bathroom I found junior year. The rest of the day I was zoned out, getting off the bus I did my normal routine. Grab a soda (to which I am addicted), turn on my laptop, go to the bathroom. Then while looking into the mirror I just break down again. I'm really having trouble going into detail now, feelings of anxiety are creeping up again and I feel that if I go too far I'll just close the laptop and quit. What I will say is that ever since I really faced my feelings I've started to have anxiety attacks. Even the slightest thought of somebody finding out is enough to send me into panic. I'll stop talking to people, I'll begin to hyperventilate, feel cold inside as if I'm in some sort of other dimension. Just looking at my life through a television screen and being thankful that I'm not that guy. My 18th birthday is tomorrow. The last few days have been this roller coaster of times where I am ready to tell others of who I am, and other times where just I curl up in the corner of my room and cry for hours. I'm starting to lose interest in everything again, and I fear that I may start going through that spiral, but this time there will be no way out. I feel alone, and afraid. I have nobody special in my life, only friends I'm too terrified to open up to and the one parent that I feel I opened up to before I was even ready. I can't even fathom telling the rest of my family, let alone my friends. I long for James's hand on my shoulder, to tell me everything is okay. But the only thing resting on my shoulders is this cold weight, crushing me into the floor. I'm sure tomorrow I will look back at writing this with regret. Maybe it's because I'm tired, or maybe it's because I know I need to tell somebody, but for some reason I really poured my heart onto this page. It's taking so much effort to not just delete every word I've spent the last few hours meticulously typing. I hope I didn't make this too long, but if I could think of a shorter version I would have made it. It would be so much easier to just write a few sentences. This banana is cheering me up for some reason so I'll add it. (!) For now I'm going to bed, again I apologize if I've done anything wrong. This is my first time doing something like this.
First off, Hello and Welcome to EC from another Ohioan!! I can understand what you are feeling. I was always scared to talk to anybody about my feelings, and still am sometimes to this day. Trust me, you have made a major step by coming here. When I first posted here I was to the point of tears and it took me 10 min. to hit the submit button. My freshman year of high school I dated a guy. His name was Drew. Now, Drew and I dated for a year. I had feelings for him, but I also began to realize that I had feelings for girls as well. As time went on, I began my downward spiral. Drew broke up with me, I began to cut myself, and I shut my feelings into a padlocked closet. I managed to continue on this way through my sophomore year by being involved in everything possible to try to keep my mind off of my sexuality. My Junior year, I fell for my best friend Sarah. At first I did not realize that this was in fact a crush, but after a while I did. She had to have all of her classes changed mid-year though because of her work schedule, and it started the feelings that I had freshman year all over again. I found myself crying to sleep at night, not just because of her, but because of the fact that I was not straight. That year my grades slipped a lot and I just told my parents that it was because I did not get along with my teachers. Fast forward to the summer between my junior and senior year, I could not sleep at night. I found myself researching, trying to find out what I was. I found that I fit the label of bisexual best. This made me scared once again and I began to turn to the razor to try to get rid of these feelings. I also began to cry again at night. School started my senior year and I began to accept who I am. And with the acceptance, my life became so much easier. I have not had and attacks since then. But that being said, If you need help get it. I probably should have gotten it, but I was too scared too. It still hurts me to type my feelings out on this site sometimes, but it has gotten so much better over time. Your not alone, never forget that.There are many people that have been or are going through the same situation as you right now. We are all here to help you now. Feel free to write on my wall or PM one of the moderators.
First of all I'm gonna tell u that everything will be ok! I know that a faceless stranger behind a screen a thousand miles away isn't really reassuring, but trust me, the world isn't gonna fall apart, I've been hurt too before, and I've cried too. I know it hurts but maybe, just maybe, there will be another James right around the corner, waiting for you. I know the feeling of wanting somebody and it sucks! Especially when all of a sudden they aren't there anymore, I had a very similar experience my freshman year of highschool, there was this guy (who's name I will keep concealed) and we actually had a secret "thing" going on, and then his parents got divorced and he moved away to Florida, we tried the whole long distance thing, but it didn't work out and thus we decided it was best we ended it. I was basically reduced to a mentally unstable robot who felt nothing, but thankfully I. Had some very understanding friends and family. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is everything will be ok, you can get through this. Just stand up and be the strong and beautiful person you are, be patient and breathe. You will be amazing!
Thanks for posting, I'm still pretty embarrassed about making this though :icon_redf . I do feel a little better, let's hope it stays that way while I'm in school. I'm glad that I can relate to other people, it's been a while.
Hi there and welcome to EC! Oh - and Happy Birthday! It may not seem like a really happy one, it beats not hitting your 18th birthday. Trust me. It really does get better. I think almost all of us here can relate to your roller coaster analogy. All alone on the scariest ride of our lives. It's a great image and it captures how many of us felt. However, what you don't realize is that the roller coaster is actually filled with people who care about you - you just don't think they're there for you. They're invisible to you because you've chosen (for the time being) to make them that way. As someone suggested above, there is help availble to you. You've found a great resource here, so hopefully you'll stick around and take advantage of this site. EC helped me get comfortable with who I am, and I'm sure it can help you as well. Beyond this site though, there are other resources you can draw from. Guidance counsellors at school are there to help. And teachers. I bet that awkward chemistry teacher would be more than happy to hear your story and help point you in the right direction. Perhaps you have access to counselling through an 'employee assistance program' where your parents work. Being able to talk to someone in real life is incredibly helpful. I credit my counsellor with saving my life. Your family is there to help you as well. You might feel like you're a burden, but your parents won't see it that way. They're there to help you along in life, and they would want to know that you're hurting to the extent that you are. Perhaps you have a cousin or a kind aunt who you'd feel more comfortable talking to. Do what ever makes sense for you, but figure out what that is, and do it. If all else fails, and you're alone in a really dark place, call a crisis center or help line and talk to someone there. There is no need to suffer like you're doing alone. Feel free to write to me via a private message. I'm one of the advisors on the site, so you can send me a private message while you can't send most people a private message here (yet). Take care. I really do hope you have a happy birthday.
I'll just add this. You're gay. Big fucking deal. Being gay can be problematic in some areas, and with some people. But it's not that big of a deal in many places, and with many people. Being gay isn't a curse. Your burden isn't being gay. Your burden is being gay and feeling as though you can't share this information with anybody. And over the years, you've built up barriers to keep people from getting too close and finding out this "awful secret". So that when James found the break in the wall, it was like a blinding light shining in. And when he moved away, your world once more plunged into darkness. The good news is that you've fallen far enough that you're willing to take steps towards leaving the prison you erected. You've joined EC, and you've asked for help. Help none of us could give had you not taken those steps. So congratulations, because I genuinely believe you're on your way now. Towards a life of (relative) "normalcy", to living a kick-ass life that all of us deserve to live. I don't mean to suggest your problems are over, or that you're now done with the pain, the self-pity, and all the rest. But you're now on course to DEAL with them - to not let them control your life. As Jim said, we're here to help. It's what we do. Feel free to post here, or in another thread, or send one of us advisors a Private Message. Let's start getting you out of that spot, and some place a hell of a lot better. ...and I actually hate roller coasters. Long story. Lex
I don't know what to say, I wasn't expecting this much. The only thing I can think of is to thank you all. None of my friends are gay (that I know of) so I felt that I had to deal with everything myself. It's really nice to finally have somebody to talk to. On a slightly darker note, one of my friends found out. He was just joking at the time but when he saw my reaction he got all quiet. I'm not sure whether to be happy that somebody else knows or to be afraid that he will tell everyone before I'm ready. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. For now I'm happy, and if I hadn't of found this site I'm sure that wouldn't be. I've gotten some nice presents for my birthday, the best one being you guys.
Nicest thing anyone has said about me today! :icon_bigg Try not to sweat it - your friend will either be cool with the news or he won't be. That's up to him. How you react to what ever happens is up to you. As Les has suggested, being gay isn't a curse. But others will take their cue and react to your 'news' based on how you deliver it. if you share with others that you're gay in a way that indicates you're ashamed or unhappy, they'll very likely reinforce that. But if you treat it as though it's no big deal (because in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't) then they'll take your lead.
Retrospective word to the wise: The more nonchalant your attitude is in coming out to people, the more likely you are to receive a nonchalant response. It's infectious. If people see you confident in your sexuality, then they will be less likely to use it against you (or less able to, simply because it doesn't bother you enough to make the results worth it). In other words, if you treat being gay as the worst thing ever, other people are more likely to treat it as the worst thing ever too, when really, it's not so bad once you get used to the idea. In fact, it can actually be really great. And welcome to EC, by the way.
I'm surprised, even to the point of being guilty. I thought he would stop being my friend, or at least start telling everyone he knew that I was gay., but he didn't. He still greeted me the same way, had the same conversations, and even started speaking out against homophobic slurs around me. Then he helped me come out to another friend. Somehow every time I tell somebody it just gets all the more easy to tell another. Maybe with time I'll be fully out, possibly even dating. I'm sure that I would be handling this differently if I didn't have support, and for that I thank you. You really have no idea how much this means to me.
We actually have some idea, as many of us were in your position at one point in our lives. But that doesn't mean we don't like to hear it. Keep kicking ass. Lex
If I could travel through the internet and give you a hug, I would Probably 'cause there's nothing more to add. I know this is gonna be a really stupid question, but...have you searched Facebook for James? Unless you feel you've progressed on from him somewhat.
