Advice appreciated

I can't really advise you on the latter, as I haven't been in that situation. Yet.

However, I can relate very well to your first dilemma. I'm also a sophomore at college, out to my parents and one best friend who goes to a different school. I'm not out to anyone at my school, though, and the thought of being so frightens me for some reason.
There is a Pride group at my school as well, and I've been giving a lot of thought to going. I've walked past the room so many times without being able to go in; overwhelmed by fear at the last moment.
However, with the start of the new school year, I'm ushering in a new philosophy for myself. I'm gonna go, because I want to stop wondering what I'm missing. Even if I have a bad time, or find that it's just "not me", I still want to give it a try.
So I'll advise you to do what I'm going to do: just go. Going to one meeting has little or no repercussions. I wouldn't worry too much about being outed. Hell, if the question is asked and you're really not ready to say the truth, just say that you're a straight ally, your friend just came out to you, or something to that effect. I'm not encouraging you to lie, but I don't want you not to go if that's your biggest fear. And if you reach the stage where you're comfortable being out with others, then you could always just tell them that you hadn't accepted yourself at the time or something like that. I'm sure the group would understand.

And those problems aren't stupid! If you and I are sharing similar struggles, I'm sure there are a lot of others who are as well.

 

Want to get him to know that you are gay without telling him?
Join the LGBT club.
If he's in it too, or if he's not, even, it will send the message you want.
You can't lose anything by joining, and if you want him to be your boyfriend, he'll most likely think it attractive that you are out and proud enough of your sexuality to be so.

 

Hi! Junior in college here, who's just finished (well, almost finished) coming out. I actually have been in both of these situations (for the most part), so I'll tell you how I dealt with them and what I think is good general advice on them.

1) LGBT groups can be frightening to join, mostly for the reasons you mentioned. I know when I was accepting myself and still closeted, I avoided all possibilities of being outed, including even stepping on a portion of the (non-vehicle) street that the LGBT group painted. So, how did I get over this fear? I gave myself time. Over the course of about 9 months, I went from being horribly scared of being outed before I was ready to being completely open and able to be out. The only reason I was able to walk all the way to the LGBT group meeting (and not turn around at the very end of the walk) was because I had given myself a ton of time to accept myself and prepare to be out. Without that time, I never would have been able to join our LGBT group, and be proud to be a member.

2) You're extremely lucky, you know that right? You've somehow managed to crush on a non-straight guy, congratulations! :eusa_clap See, I crushed on someone who I thought could be gay, but hadn't ever come out, nor talked about any relationships. For the first 6 months of my acceptance period, I was very careful around him, and tried my best not to stare or get too close. Again, though, time was the key factor. Once I was ready to come out to him (near the end of the 6 months mentioned above), I also wanted him to know that I had feelings for him. I managed to tell him, and he turned out to be straight, but the feelings were at least brought to light, and I got a straight (haha, it's a pun...) answer.

So, what should you do? If you're ready to be out/be seen as accepting of LGBT individuals, don't turn around when you get to the LGBT group meeting! If you find that you can't take that last step, grab a gay person, or a straight ally and ask them to come with you. Being around people who are like you is eye-opening, and it can do wonders for your self esteem and sense of community. One thing you might check, though, is whether or not they are an anonymous group. My campus group is completely anonymous, so no one is forced to give their actual name, orientation, gender identity, etc if they don't want to, and they aren't judged if they choose to give a fake name, orientation, gender identity, etc. If your group is like this, it may be easier for you to get around the mental barrier of not wanting to be outed by going to the club because you won't have to be out!

The guy is a different issue. Relationships can work out when one person is open and one is closeted, but there's a great strain that arises from that dynamic. My advice is to take time to be prepared to be out of the closet first, before going for any kind of relationship. If you feel like you're ready to be out of the closet to him, you might take the initiative, and ask him to hang out and discuss stuff with you. Obviously you don't want to be dishonest, but it might be better to hold off on asking him out in favor of having someone to talk to about what you're going through. Plus, if you get to know each other as friends (and you make sure he knows that you're interested in him, but not ready for a relationship) you might be able to transition into a relationship as you become more comfortable with who you are. You certainly don't have to follow my advice, but I think friendships are a great precursor to relationships.

Either way, good luck, and welcome to the awesome world of being/coming out in college!

 

>>>1) There is a Pride group at my school, and I would love to join it to meet other LGBT people and just to hear about their stories and stuff, but I'm afraid that if I join, all it will do is out myself. There was a meeting today, and I walked all the way there, then turned around...I really would love to join, but the fear is too much. What do you think I should do?

Join.

The thing is - everybody in that group was in your shoes once. Maybe only briefly, but they've been there. They know what it's like to be closeted and scared. And because of that, they're not going to immediately post your face on their "GUESS WHO'S GAY!!!" webpage. (I'm guessing they don't even have one. ) So go, introduce yourself, and say "I'm really nervous because I'm still very closeted and haven't actually told anybody yet." They can take it from there.

>>>2) There is this guy I really am becoming attracted to. He is gay and he is out to everyone. But since I'm closeted, I really can't just "ask him out". I'm trying to get him to just "find out" that I'm gay, without me telling him or anything. Bottom line: It would be amazing if he asked ME out. Do you have any advice about this situation?

I'd say the smart move is just befriend him, the way you might somebody that isn't gay and that you weren't interested in dating...but that you thought might make a good friend. Introduce yourself if you haven't already, get some conversations going, and once you've gotten comfortable talking to him, feel free to ask him out on a "date-not-date". What's that? Anything you might do with any of your straight or female friends one-on-one. Go see a movie, go hang out at the arcade, go see the latest student play, whatever you two both might like doing. And just ask him in context of the activity. "I was hoping to go use the batting cages next weekend. Would you like to tag along?"

If things move forward, and you feel more comfortable around him, you might find it fairly easy to come out to him.

Lex

 

I'm in a similar boat, though in grad school. It's a large club with (I think) a lot of straight allies. I'm not sure if this is a good idea, but I'm planning to go to our meetings and allow people to assume that I'm just a straight ally.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do if people ask, though. I want to be a bit more open about my questioning, but it's become such a gut reaction to try to cover up the gay...

 

I was just recently in the same situation that you mentioned first. I about turned around when I got there, but then I decided that I eventually had to take this step. I had a great time at this meeting and I am going to the next one too.

So I would say take the chance and go, even if you say that your an ally, you will still meet people that you have something in common. It will help you become more comfortable with yourself.

 

Also a sophomore in college and a new member!

My pride group is run through an LGBT center. At the center there is an adult who runs it. My plan is to make a meeting with her privately and have a discussion about myself and my sexuality. Everything is confidential. There are also private group meetings that are scheduled not in the center to make it less ubiquitous.

Also, you can find excuses to go to the meeting or to the LGBT center. At my college, people actually go because there are free office supplies to borrow. Or you were just passing by. And you saw your friend and thought you'd say hello and there happened to be a meeting going on. There's free food at the meeting. Most people don't question your statements. Plus, you'll probably find the people actually at the meeting supportive, since they have been in your situation before.

There was a group for first year students last year that met at noon every Friday for lunch. I walked by the center five minutes before on my way to the printer, bumped into my friend who was going, who invited me to join her and stay for the meeting. Easy enough!

Oh, and on the trying to get the guy note, I wouldn't quite know exactly how to do this myself, but for example, I chatted with someone openly gay and rather attractive about the L word. I don't think straight people watch that show haha.

Also, agreed with statement above that confidence is hot. I also love the idea of befriending him and being comfortable around him.

 

In regards to your first request (because I cannot exactly answer the second), I have actually just returned from an LGBT meeting on campus, and I really recommend going. While I didn't have a completely AMAZING time that just blew my mind, it felt...good...even though I was my usual observe-before-participate self, and I think I will be going to the next one as well. I did feel out of place in the beginning, but I imagine that to be the case with all club meetings that one attends for the first time because it is all still a bit superficial: introduction, grade, major, how you heard of the club, etc. There really isn't anything substantial, but that would come when more time is invested in the club.

We did a "Storytelling" activity where some shared personal stories (regarding his/her sexuality and otherwise), but I didn't participate at all because I thought it was just a hair too much for my first meeting. The great part is that even if your club does some kind of activity that requires participation, chances are that it is completely voluntary, and no one is forcing your hand at all. It does a lot of good, though, to hear others be so open about themselves and what they've gone through.

 

Email someone in charge of the group. Tell them you're nervous about going in and ask if there is anyone you could meet in advance outside to walk in there with so you don't have to go in alone.