Hey peeps, So... I'm back, once again, to ask you all nicely for some advice. Been a while since I last showed my face on here, but I do still love you all. Really. (*hug*) Here's the thing. I'm nineteen. I've never actually dated someone, anyone, for more than one or two 'dates'. Those borderline forced upon me. The one or two times I've genuinely found someone I'd want to have a relationship with, I have this horrible tendency to completely freak out, avoid them like they have the plague, hide my phone and ignore any and all messages they might send me. I know that makes me sound horrible and heartless... But I really don't mean to be. I think I'm actually scared of relationships. I feel like people only want to date me because I am stereotypically 'cute' (or so my variegated female friends all seem to think) and that in turn makes me reluctant to trust people... Also, pot calling the kettle black and what not, I'll admit to having pretty high standards when it comes to who I'd actually consider as dating material. So, where do you come in? Basically, I want to try and get out if this loop. I'm sick to death of being the only guy who is constantly single - it gets mildly frustrating watching all of your friends hook up with random people and knowing that come a month down the track, there's a 99% chance you will still be all alone. Hell, I'd settle for just tips on how I can actually get into/maintain a relationship *at all* to be honest. :help: Love you all and thanks in advance, Kaleb.
To be honest, if your main reason for wanting a relationship is that all of your friends are in one and you don't want to be the only single guy, you probably aren't going to find one (or at least not one that will be very fulfilling). If, on the other hand, you genuinely want to be in a relationship for the love and companionship that it can provide, then I'd say what you first need to do is examine closely your reasons for freaking out when you meet someone you like. (The pattern sounds very familiar to me, by the way - I used to do the same thing.) Often this is a sign of insecurity, or a subconscious belief that you aren't good enough, or don't deserve it, etc. Do you have a past history of being hurt, or of seeing dysfunctional relationships in your family? When you think of yourself in a relationship, do you feel confident that you could be a good partner for someone? These are some of the questions you might want to examine, and even discuss with a counsellor or therapist if you think it could help.
Why not just date? Find some possible prospects. You're not looking for perfection here. You're just looking for "yeah, I see some potential here". Feel free to create a line beyond where you won't go physically until you're sure you're really clicking on more than just the hormonal level. Then just start dating. Do some standard, first-date sorts of things like going to movies, having dinner and what not. And get to know each other. If it seems the guy/girl just wants to get in your pants, break it off. If you don't seem to be clicking beyond the just plain "well, s/he seems nice" phase, revert to "friend" status and find someone else. Lex
Lex and Chandra have really great advice, however I noticed this: A lot of initial attraction between most people *is* because they find each other physically appealing. Just because someone finds you physically attractive and wants to go on a casual date, it does not mean they just want to get in bed with you. There is nothing wrong with striking up a conversation and hanging out, or even going on a very casual date because you initially found someone aesthetically pleasing. With that being said, it's worth mentioning that you shouldn't build an entire relationship's (or friendship's) foundation on physical attraction. It's how we are built biologically, we are attracted to certain physical features and that's OK.
