Six weeks ago I arrived in Argentina, where I'll be studying for the next year. I've already made a great bunch of friends from all over (mostly Europe and US) and am really enjoying the experience. Most of my friends have a boyfriend/girlfriend in their home country and are in long-distance relationships which creates a lot of sexual tension among our group because I'd say there are three or four pairs of friends who obviously have a thing for eachother but can't act on it. There is also another gay guy in our group, from Scotland, let's call him "Simon". He has been in a long-distance relationship with his boyfriend, who lives in England, for the last three years. But they are in an open relationship, which (obviously) means he can hook up with guys if he wants to. About a week into being here, before school started, we were going out a lot and my friend from Belgium told me that "Simon" was gay. I was a little surprised because he doesn't come off that way although I did notice him eyeing me and thought that was weird. He is very tall and skinny with Dark hair and dark eyes, but in an altogether charming package (especially with the accent. :icon_wink) We started flirting and I got a feeling that something was going to happen between us, but it took about two weeks for us to finally kiss. Then, we stopped for a bit because if we kissed every time we saw each other, it would basically be like we were dating. I knew I liked him at the time, but I was sure that I could handle the situation and he has this intellectual snob side to him that really turned me off (/made me feel stupid.) Initially, my main concern was that he liked ME more than I liked him. Another two weeks, and we finally got in bed together, taking advantage of the fact that my host mom was gone for the weekend. We didn't go all the way because personally full-on sex is a really personal experience that I would rather do with someone I love. The next weekend, he took me out to a gay club here and it was quite fun, I did try and convince him to just stay at his place :icon_wink and not go out, but eventually we headed over to meet his friends at the club. The next night, a Norwegian couple who are friends of ours had all of our friends over for a party (bars were closed due to elections, strange laws here lol) and after I scolded him for being embarrased when all of our friends knew, we acted essentially like a couple. The following weekend, I traveled with some girl friends of mine to a town 10 hours northwest of here (Córdoba.) We did invite him, but he didn't end up coming, a shame as a friend of mine ended up getting us two free hotel rooms for one night, including one just to myself... Anyway, I've neglected to mention that I was talking to a guy from back home at the time as well, and he was seriously considering coming to visit in October. I talked about it with my friends and they all think "Harry" is great and wanted him to come visit. So during my trip, I came to the decision that I needed to break things off with Simon before I got hurt. Then I would still have Harry and all would be well. That Tuesday, I spent the afternoon with Simon, getting Lunch and then coffee. It was a difficult thing to do but I talked to him and said that I wanted to take a break because things were getting a bit too hot (I elaborated that I was getting feelings for him.) The next day I was sad, which is to be expected, but it got worse and worse as the week went on. I realized that I had waited too late, and already had feelings for him. The things about him that initially annoyed me were now my favorite parts about him, funny how that happens. That Saturday was my birthday, so we all went out to dinner (12 of us) and then my friends (the Norwegian couple) had us all over to their place for a bit. My friends went to such and effort to put me in a good mood, but I knew they could all see through the veneer that I felt like a part of me had died inside. I had talked to some friends about how I wasn't handling things well since breaking it off, and they all agreed that I should talk to him and let him know how I really feel (For some reason, being a hopeless romantic, I wanted to write him a letter instead, but they convinced me out of it thankfully.) So after ignoring him for most of the party, finally I was drunk enough to put on a happy face around him (yes, alcohol + emotions is not a good combination, I'm aware.) At this point, my friends were getting ready to head to a club so I took him out on the patio and talked to him. I wasn't planning on talking to him that night (afraid that the alcohol would make me say something I'd regret, and I wanted to concentrate on other happier things that night) but I eventually succombed to the pressure and let it out. "I'm crazy about you." "I've just realized that I really don't give a fuck about anyone else in the world and would rather be single if I can't be with you." He asked if he had lead me on and I replied that he hadn't and it was mostly my own fault. He does actually care about how I feel which almost makes things worse... About two weeks have gone since this and I feel like I am starting to recover. I've hooked up with two guys since then (that he has eventually found out about) and it's no longer awkward when we're at social functions together (which our friends appreciate greatly.) The only thing is that I can't shake my feelings for him. The other day, we got coffee together and were alone at the 2nd floor of the coffee shop. We were both insanely tired (he was going on 4 hrs of sleep and me on 6), and so our guards were down, and we started flirting with each other to the extent that he said "you know this is considered flirting, right?" Then, tonight, we went to dinner with some friends and after I let it slip that I hooked up with a guy last night (who our other friends know but he doesn't), he was very curious about him and how it went. When we were towards the end of the meal and paying the check, I leaned on him and we kind of cuddled. Then, we waited in line to take the bus to a friend of our's house and while waiting another friend pointed out my fairly-obvious love bite from the night previous. He asked if the other guy was a better kisser than him, and I answered no (which is the truth.) We then went as a group to our friend's house and I sat on the sofa while he pulled up a chair at the table. It was a relatively small apartment, so I was close enough to him to eventually prop my legs up on top of his. We were at my friend's place for two hours, and about halfway through I went to the bathroom to be alone and think about my situation. When I had first called things off, my main reasoning was "he doesn't belong to me" and it will only end badly so I may as well rip the band-aid off. More recently, my best friend (who lives thousands of miles away) told me that I could seduce him if I really wanted to (which isn't the problem, he wants me, but he doesn't love me) and while I was reluctant at first, of course she is saying exactly what I want to hear... Whenever he talks about his boyfriend, whenever he merely says the word boyfriend, I feel like he is stabbing me a thousand times in the chest with a dagger. It's like a wake-up call, the word that he musn't say because it will wake me up from my delusion of one day being his boyfriend. ...After I came back into the room, there was a bit of flirtatious eye contact as well as some verbal flirting but until we were about to leave, nothing physical (besides the leg contact.) Then, he finally sat next to me (I asked him) and I laid on his shoulder. I could feel his heart beating very fast, and while my friend (who lives in the apartment) went downstairs to let everyone else besides us out (he hadn't finished his drink yet), I considered stealing a kiss but thankfully didn't. Once he finished his drink, it was 2am (early here on a Saturday night) we left and he walked me home (at first he was only going to walk me to my street, which is 5 blocks from my house.) We said goodbye with a friendly kiss on the cheek (the custom here) and then a brief hug. Here I am now, typing on my computer for the last hour trying to put in words how I feel. I know the best thing to do is to find someone else and get over him, but I can't seem to get over my feelings for him even when I start moving on. I know that it's unethical to want to break him up from his boyfriend, and normally I would never imagine attempting to be a homewrecker, but something about him just awakens this instinct in me that I can't shake, it's oblivious to morality. I also am aware that their relationship is out of my sphere of influence, I have no control over it and unless it's already on a downward spiral, I don't stand a chance. I tell myself that if I actually loved him, I would let him be happy even if it isn't with me. But I'm too selfish, I just feel like I'm supposed to be with him and no one else will cut it for me. We will both be here for a year too, so unless I figure out a new way to deal with this, we're in for a long year... Also, a rather funny side-note is that I see his name everywhere, whether it's in English or Spanish (didn't use his real name btw.) I walked by an electronics store the other week and saw an entire row of appliances with his name as the brand name. Weird! I know that he is jealous when I hook up with other guys (which is honestly part of why I do it) but I'm not sure if he's jealous that they're getting with me and he can't, or something deeper than that. I'm not sure whether he even knows how he feels, I think he might not be being completely honest with himself about it, and it's difficult to gauge because he isn't very open about such things. Anyway, since you've made it this far reading (thanks btw :icon_bigg), where should I go from here? I kind of like having the flirting thing going on, obviously without it going too far (kissing, etc...) but I know I can't keep it up forever. -Fiorino
Personally, I tend to think that this is the kind of confusing situation that is likely going to end badly. He is in an open relationship so flirting and whatnot shouldn't really be a problem, except that you're probably going to develop love feelings for him ( him mentioning his boyfriend already feels like a stab in the chest) and going to end up heart broken and bitter about the whole experience. I think it would be wiser to stop the flirting now and maybe to take your distance with him for a while. I'm sure you'll find other guys in less complicated situation (aka "single") with whom you could have a better relationship. Just my two cents though Take care, Cécile
I agree with Cecile. You've basically gotta distance yourself from him, or go for the (not recommended) full-on home-wrecker mode. Because anything in between, from flirting to stolen kisses to hooking up with him again, is likely gonna end with you being much more hurt than you are now. So you did the right thing by calling off your pseudo-dating, but you haven't even come close to emotionally breaking it off. It'll be a long year if you can't do that. BTW, lucky you to be in BsAs for a year! Such an amazing city.
I agree with Cecile and Olides. Continuing what you're doing is only going to hurt you more in the end. Although it might seem terrible to think about, distancing yourself from him will be better in the long run. There will be other great guys out there that you meet that aren't in a situation like his, and you don't want to miss a potential gem because you're too distracted by him. You could try and seduce him, win him over, etc., but if it was me, that wouldn't make me happy, since I think I would feel really bad over having broken up him and his boyfriend. Good luck with your situation, and have fun in Argentina!
Wow, that's quite a story. I think I'll need some time to wrap my head around it. However, initial thoughts: Basically it seems like this guy is your addiction! And in cases of addiction, it's best to cut it out entirely, rather than aiming for "I'm only using a little, but I can handle it!". Because one day you'll end up in a weak spot and yielding to your addiction, resetting you back to square one. Ideally, if you can't totally avoid him, I think you'd at least avoid being alone with him. Maybe you could even tell him that you know your feelings for him are unhealthy, and that you'd prefer it if he stops you if he gets a flirty vibe from you (that way you're both looking out). Let your friends at home and in Argentina know that you'd like it if they stop rooting for you seducing this guy. Also, while I really don't want to dictate who else you date or don't date, or sound like a relic from Victorian days, you might want to avoid dating/hooking up for a couple of weeks or months. Until "getting this guy jealous" is not part of your motives anymore. That way you'll only end up hurting you, him, and the other guys you get involved with. (also: do try to enjoy yourself as much as possible! Buenos Aires is awesome, and I actually have some acquaintances in Cordoba who tell me it's an OK place to live too...)
Hey guys, Thanks for all of your replies, I think you're right, I need to just cut things off. I think I might give him a heads-up first, and then delete his number, etc... We have two classes together and lots of mutual friends, but he isn't a main member of our group. All of my friends are on my side though, which is good.
