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I'm a Guy in long term relationship with a Girl, but I'm Gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by AlexSpayd, Sep 11, 2011.

  1. AlexSpayd

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    Okay, So I know we've heard this one before. . .

    My Name is Alexandre,

    I started dating this girl in my senior year of high school, her name's Natile.
    I just recently turned 21. Natile and I have been dating for almost 5 years now and I have met this guy. . .

    Dilemma: Absolutely more attracted to this guy.

    I have always been attracted to men more than women for as long as I can remember. I can remember sitting in first or second grade and having crushes on the older boys in my class. I was raised in a household where being Gay or Bi-Sexual wasn't even a question. My Grandmother is a Pastor at a local church that myself and my family was very involved in and I listened to the droning on about how Homosexuality was an 'Abomination in the eyes of God' for most of my life.

    Thing is, I've tried to just push this out of my mind like I was just going to forget that I ever liked guys at all. Like it was a phase I had to push through to cope with a religious background. However, there is this guy, his name is Steven. He's amazing. He's got a job, goes to school and has never really been in trouble. Which in southern California it's quite refreshing to meet a guy who isn't a complete wreck who's just trying to get in my pants.

    I have so much love and respect for Natile. I was in love with her, enough so that I even bought her a promise ring back a couple years ago signifying that I was intending on only being with her and potentially marrying her some day.

    Obviously I have to break up with her, which I've been contemplating for a while. She often is clingy in my opinion, but it's because I push her away and she pushes through with all of her might to hold on to "The best thing that has ever entered her world". She doesn't like my friends and to be honest my friends don't really like her all that much either.

    I guess I just need some human interaction on this topic because I can't really talk about this with many people because I am not completely open with everyone in my life and I can't be the only Gay man who has had an issue with this.

    I need to hear stories about similar situations and how you let it go. I know there will be tears, I know dragging it out will just hurt her more and I know that I will not be happy with her nor any woman in the near future. I need to hear It's okay, to hear that it was okay for me to take almost five years from this girl for my own selfish scientific experiment. :bang::dry:
     
  2. Ethan

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    I had a girlfriend. She was the first person I came out to.
    We started dating Senior year, but everyone knew that we would wind up dating probably 2 years before we did.
    I fell into a depression, and this was around the time I found EC.
    It helped me immensely and I broke up with her, telling her I was gay in the process.

    Now, I never got as far as you are, but the girl I dated was super cool with it. I already knew she was accepting of gays, and she understood why I broke up with her.

    And today, we're still really good friends. Everything worked out, and I couldn't have asked for a better first person to come out to.

    Your story is probably going to be different, but it's in the bets interests of both of you to come out.
    Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Filip

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    Hi there, Alexandre! And welcome to EC! :smilewave

    It seems you already know what to do, which is a good thing. Going through with it will be hard, but I can promise you at least that it is the right thing, and all of us are here to be there with thoughts and advice if you want to go through with it.

    I don't think that what happened was in any way a "selfish scientific experiment". Okay, you might have had an idea you were gay back then, but if there's anything I found, that's only easy to see in hindsight. I can now see that I knew I was gay from age 13 or so, but my mind would have never allowed me to truly consciously realise it back then. Only looking back now do I see how much it influenced me.
    Basically, at that age, you (and everyone else) were just looking for yourself. And sometimes it takes some years to find out who you are. Having your family pushing you in the wrong direction doesn't help. And so it just happened to turn out that dating this girl was the wong thing to do.
    Still: at the time, you made a honest decision. You honestly tried to make it work. Finding out it didn't wasn't your fault. and the only selfish thing would be to continue now that you do know it won't work.


    If it helps, I never got into opposite-sex dating as far as you did, but I did, at one point, start to date a girl just for convenience sake, even though I knew it had absolutely no chance. I was introduced to her at a wedding of a guy I wasn't out to, and he was quite obviously setting the two of us up. At that point, I was out to some friends already, but they weren't around to stop me.
    And I just got so tempted by the prospect of fitting in, doing the expected and easy thing, and just try to give being straight one more chance with a girl that did seem like a good fit, that I did start to regularly text her and chat to her online. We did, in fact, set up a date (even if I didn't call it like that at the time, that was totally what it was).

    At that point, I reconsidered. I knew I didn't like her in the same way she took a liking to me, and that tyhe only way I was going through with it was a feeling of wanting to take the easy route.
    I made a thread about it on here, and the other posters managed to dissuade me from going through with it. I did come out to her and while she was understandably slightly upset, I can't deny I rarely felt such relief as when it was over.

    However, I do admit: the only reason I didn't go through with it was because I was somewhat out already. Had I not been, it's quite probable we would have kept dating, and I would have tried to keep it going.


    In any case: I can only wish you the best of luck in breakng up with her. As I said above: it's hard but it's the right thing to do. And always feel free to talk about it on here!
    (*hug*)
     
  4. Danny19

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    ive never been in this situation. So my best advice is to just tell her the truth, why you are breaking up with her. It depends on how she is to see how she will react. If she is mean she will probably think you were using her. so you gotta choose your words carefully...

    oh and ps. im from souther california and im not a wreck. i go to school as well. lol. just saying.
     
  5. Gallatin

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    It sounds like you already know the right course of action. You need to end it with her; whether you tell her the real reason behind it depends on how you think she'd handle it. I was in a serious, long-term relationship with a girl as well. As the relationship went on, I found I just couldn't live with myself for two reasons. I felt terrible for betraying myself and I felt terrible for not being able to love her like she loved me. When we broke up, though, I kept the primary reason for the break-up under wraps - she was a hateful bigot who believed that being gay is a disease (which it most certianly is not).

    So look at your situation, look at what she thinks about gay people, and try and gauge what her reaction would be if you told her everything, and go from there.

    Oh and this relationship was not your selfish scientific experiment. Don't punish yourself by thinking like that. I certainly don't feel that way about my relationship that I had. I tried to have a successful relationship with her, succeeded for a while, and eventually a lot of different factors ended it. Yes, a big one was that I couldn't feel the same way about her that she felt about me, but that doesn't mean that it was "my experiment". It was simply a relationship that didn't work.
     
  6. ijustdontknow90

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    I was in the same situation. I've known since I was 13 that I had an attraction to guys and that I'm gay. But, I got a very serious girlfriend during college and we dated for nearly a year. She ended up breaking up with me, and I haven't come out to her yet (or to anyone else, except me dad). I'm really nervous about telling her, and I don't think she'll believe me because we had a very physical relationship. I honestly still don't understand this (and will be talking to a therapist about it); I don't understand how I maintained such a good physical relationship with her, but I'm still much more attracted to men. But, eventually, when you see yourself 20 years down the line, married to a woman, you'll still be fantasizing about men, and (if you look at porn), you'll still be looking at gay porn. That's not fair to you, and that's not fair to her. I know it might be a really difficult thing to do, to break up with her, but in the long run, it will turn out better for both of you.
     
  7. Nollaig20

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    Hey,

    Thats a tough one dude, you've really got yourself in a bit of a messy situation. I'm going to say exactly what you already know from what I've read in your post. The longer you continue with the relationship, the longer she'll get hurt, and the longer your deprive yourself of your true happiness. I do think your figuire things out, you need to be honest with this girl. If she loves you, she'll understand but you must take into consideration that she will be hurt at first, but in the end I reckon your be still good friends.

    As for your family, in the same kind of situation, my brothers are insanely homophobic, and my Dads really into his religion. Its hard, I guess I don't have much advice since I'm still keeping this all to myself. Just remember that you might be suprised to some peoples reaction, its hard, I'm not denying that, I guess its all about time. Time can only tell, I do honestly wish you the very best. Hope things work out, as I'm sure they will.

    A.S
     
  8. AlexSpayd

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    Ok, So, that was a little harsh on my part. My apologies. :grin:
    And thanks for Listening. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2011 at 02:53 PM ----------

    Well, She has a Gay brother that she's okay with. :grin: So it will be easy for her to comprehend. Hopefully.

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2011 at 02:58 PM ----------

    Our relationship has been extremely physical up until about a month ago when I just felt like I was lying to myself which makes it a little more complicated than I have led on. Haha

    Thanks for listening and helping me get that much closer to actually telling her.

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2011 at 03:07 PM ----------

    Thanks for the warm welcome. :grin: I was literally laying in bed at my house after the best date I could have asked for with this guy and I was just so baffled as to why I never broke it off with Natile before. I kept asking myself was it fear, fear of rejection? Of what people would think? Then I said to myself, "When I have a problem with my Android phone or my car, I go to the forums, There's got to be one with people who have been in this situation!!" Hahhah

    I do really appreciate your advise and time. :grin:
     
  9. Nollaig20

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    Oh dear!! You only got physical with her a month ago and now you have realised this. That kind of makes it worst, it could go either way, she could think that you used her, or she could think once things got physical with the both of you, you realised it wasnt for you. I suggest you sit her down, be entirely honest, and hopefully she goes with scenario number two. Thats a sticky situation, did you know that you felt this way before you got physical with her? Might of been a bad move... =/

    My luck is with you..... =D
     
  10. AlexSpayd

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    Thank you all for hearing me out and re-enforcing what I thought was the right choice. :grin:

    Fact Is: The girl's going to get hurt.

    I think that's the part that has stopped me from breaking up with her in the first place. My family LOVES her and I know I'll catch a lot of crap for doing it and then the questions about "Why" I would break up with someone so "perfect" as my mother puts it. Hahha

    So the fear I have towards the situation is just the fact that I won't be 'Out' to my parents when I do this and they will question my motives. Also, With their/our religious backgrounds there will be conflicts.

    You see EC, I'm a very private person. I don't share 'Feelings' with friends. I have a saying, My mantra if you will.

    No one can make ME un-happy.
    No one has that control over you. No one can absolutely unconditionally force you to be un-happy.

    Only I can make the conscious decision to be happy with my life and who I am and sometimes those decisions require actions. Actions that may be difficult to deal with. . .

    I feel the same can be applied to a range of other emotions as well, and it makes people think that I 'That I put a wall up', but I've told this to so many people and they have started to live their lives differently because of this.

    No-one can make YOU mad.
    No-one can make YOU cry.
    No-one can make YOU angry.

    No-one can MAKE YOU feel anything YOU don't want to.
    :grin:

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2011 at 03:41 PM ----------

    We became intimate after about a month of dating in high-school. A month ago is when I stopped the sex portion of the relationship. I feel like I am just using her as a 'tool' if you will, to be 'a normal straight guy' in the eyes of the world because I don't want the conflict.
     
    #10 AlexSpayd, Sep 11, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2011
  11. Nollaig20

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    Oh sorry misread your message, been there done that dude. Its good that you have stopped, she probably realises that somethings going on. So now would probably be the best time to be honest with her. Honesty is always the best policy... =D
     
  12. Alexandre, I have BEEN HERE.

    When I realized I was gay (there were clues all along, but I denied it before) I had to break up with the guy I was dating at the time. We'd been together a couple years (and been physical as well for a couples years, although less so in the last few months) and he was just about to propose to me.

    So, I hear you, dude.

    But, like others have said, you know what you need to do. It's going to be hard and she might be mad as hell and really sad, but you have to let her feel what she's going to feel and she'll get through it. Just like you will, 'cause it's probably going to do a number on you too, to not be with her. It's weird and disorienting after so many years to not be with someone that you've been with all along, ya know?

    Sidenote: I also don't recommend trying to be friends immediately after breaking up. Later on, yeah maybe. I don't know if that's what either of you would want, but it was very messy when my ex-boyfriend and I tried that. So, if you guys want to be friends, I'd give it some separation time before you try it.
     
  13. AlexSpayd

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    Great advise. Thanks for giving me a female perspective. :thumbsup:
     
  14. AlexSpayd

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    I'm going to go meet up with her right now. . . Somehow I summoned up the courage to tell her both that I have been un-happy and that I am Gay. Maybe it was those couple cocktails.

    Pray for me.
     
  15. Filip

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    I'll keep my fingers crossed! You can do this!
    Good luck!
     
  16. AlexSpayd

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    Holy shit. (excuse the language)

    My brother was murdered in 2009 and I don't think I have cried since then. . . Until tonight.

    I told her that I was un happy in the relationship and that it was unfair to her that I have been stringing her along. I told her that I have been working through some real issues in my life and that I needed her to realize that I've not been 100% committed to our relationship while she had been giving 110%. also that I was clearly only holding on for the wrong reasons.

    I said that I didn't want to start a life (adult life) with her only to hurt her more in the future.

    That's when I told her. "I know I can trust you with my life, which is why I am going to tell you something that I've not ever told anyone. I am emotionally, physically, and sexually attracted to men."

    silence...
    silence...
    silence...

    That's when the tears came. She kind of accepted it and I'm sure felt more embarrassed than anything else. She asked if we could still be friends, I said yes. she gave me back the promise ring I gave her a few years back and when she left I asked her to text me when she got home so that I know she made it to her house safe.

    When she got home I received a text saying "'I'm home" I replied, "Okay, I'm glad you made it home safely."

    Then she followed with a text saying, "You know, You'll always be my best friend. Just know that if and when you start dating again, I don't think I'd be able to stick around for that."

    I didn't reply. . .

    This is all still really fresh and painful to re-hash after calling one of my closest friends and re-living it for the last hour.

    Signing off till tomorrow.
     
  17. Artemicion

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  18. Filip

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)

    I must say, I can only congratulate you for going through with this. coming out to family (as I guess that after 5 years of dating, you can't entirely call her just a friend anymore) is probably one of the toughest thing any of us has to face.

    Gut-wrenching though it may be, I will say it looks like it went as well as could be hoped for. In a way, I think her reaction indicates she might have already been feeling that something wasn't quite right about the relationship. So I hope that if anything, she's now relieved too to find out the truth (and that it wasn't really something she did wrong).

    Even if you don't feel relief right now, I do think that you'll feel better once the relief starts cicking in. which can sometimes take a few days. I remember feeling surprisingly little of it when I did my toughest coming-outs, but after a few days, I inevitably felt a lot better.

    Maybe one disclaimer: don't be too disappouinted if she goes through phases of disbelief, anger, bargaining and seems to accept it only to crawl back several times. Those are ordinary, necessary (if unpleasant) steps of learning to accept this.

    really, kudos for going through with it and many (*hug*)
     
  19. Nollaig20

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    Well done!!! It sounds to me she kind of took it pretty well, I guess! It could've went worst, I love how she still wants to be friends, and saying that straight after just shows how much of a friend she really is. I'm very happy for you dude. You did the right thing, just stay friends with her.. She'll need a friend right now. =/

    Aiden
     
  20. goldentony111

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    all the best !