I've been lurking here for about a week and have seen story after story that's so similar to mine. I'm glad to have found this site when I did. As far back as I can remember I've always been shy and was not a socially active person. I grew up in the country and lived far from school friends. When I moved to the big city for work (after university) I found myself with very few friends and not a great ability to make new ones. I still battle making friends to this day. I'm an introvert geek working in IT, not exactly unique there. I went through a phase where I thought I had aspergers or something similar. My therapist at the time laughed at that suggestion and I never pursued that any further. My sort of depression continued and worsened for a while. A few years back I went through two bouts of really suicidal thoughts, but fortunately I had people around me who helped me at the time. Though they never encouraged me to seek professional help for it. My time with therapists were focusing on problems at home, and problems at work independently and the idea was focus on fixing one, then that stability would help with fixing the other. Don't try to fix both at once. Years of trying I still felt like I was treading water. Years were going by, all too focused on work which depressed me but helped me hide my lack of friends and social skills. I've never had a relationship with anyone, never been kissed etc. I don't even like being touched by anyone. While struggling with who I am, my full time employment situation changed (major restructure) and it started to break down. At work I didn't cope with rapid change well. Normal progress was fine but rapid changes for no apparent gain caused me problems. My new supervisor wasn't very helpful and made it harder and harder. Eventually after years of feeling under appreciated, unchallenged yet flat out busy, I just quit (with no job to go to). That was one of the best decisions of my life. The timing probably wasn't perfect and I was out of work for several months. Those months were both stressful (not knowing how I'd pay the bills) and relaxing. It let me get myself together inside, and that time was really necessary for me to accept and get comfortable with who I am. Fortunately my new job is a better fit and I'm much happier there - which has allowed me mental capacity to further work on my personal life. More recently my friends have been setting me up on blind dates (with girls) and I'm really struggling. So far the people I've been setup with have all been wonderful people, caring, friendly and interesting but I'm lost at anything beyond the dinner and movie date. It feels all fake to me and I don't know how to act and what to say or do. Add to that me not seeing any attraction, so motivation crashes and I sort of get depressed again. I don't want to lead them astray but I'm not ready to tell someone I just met that I'm gay, let alone friends I've known for years. I don't mind meeting new people to become friends but I don't want them to get the wrong idea (or be hurt). Now I'm thinking of starting the coming out process. So far the only people I've told were my last 2 therapists, and only the last one figured it out and asked. Initially I'll start with some of my close friends, individually and see what goes from there. Work finding out doesn't bother me, but could be an interesting challenge (the workplace isn't exactly politically correct any day of the week). Normally I like to be in control (I have a problem of over thinking everything) and the coming out process appears to be a leap of faith. At present I don't know any gay people at all (in real life) - not even friends of friends (or maybe I do and just don't know it). I haven't even had the courage to call a local LGBT helpline (given to me by a therapist) yet. The phone number's been in front of me for about a year now. I want to call, but I get all shy and avoidant when on the phone. After struggling with who and what I am for many years, I feel I'm now ready to show the world the real me. I've been though probably close to 7 years of real unhappiness bordering on depression while I came to terms with my sexuality. Over a few years and after about 3 therapists I realised that my problems were related or caused by me not accepting myself. Like so many here, I knew for ages that I was different to everyone around me, and that made me feel lonely. I'd been lonely for so long I'd just accepted it as normal. Sorry for the long ramble, I just needed to share that and see what if anything anyone has to say. Advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Welcome! I know what you mean with the leap of faith. It's relatively easy to tell one person and ask them to keep it a secret, but it's scary to think of the way that people may talk about you once word starts to spread. For example, I'm worried people will think I was never really in love with my boyfriend and was somehow taking advantage of him, or that maybe people will think I'm stupid for figuring it all out so late. I'm not sure what the answer is, except that it's easy to think in a sort of "worst-case scenario" and assume that everyone will think badly of you. Most likely, those who really care about you will be happy that you've accepted who you are. Given that I'm still 98% in the closet, you may want to take my advice with a grain of salt, but reading your post, I felt like you really wanted to come out. You sound like the type of person who would like to have a plan, so if you decide to come out, perhaps you could chat with EC members about next steps, like who to tell first and how to tell them. Good luck, and feel free to message me if you want to chat more.
First off, welcome to EC! I think what you said about the coming out process being a leap of faith is really interesting. It is a massive leap of faith, and that's probably why it took me a while to do it. I think what Daisy said about making a plan is very good advice - that's exactly what I did. I thought long and hard about what I was going to tell each person, when I was going to tell them, and how I was going to tell them. I also planned for what each might say, and thought of possible responses ahead of time, so I wasn't struggling for words at the time. What I'm trying to say is that even though it is a leap of faith, it was for me as much of a "controlled and planned" leap of faith as possible, and that made it less scary.
I think that's wonderful advice. You're not alone on the low self-esteem front. I have had bouts with depression, questioning whether I had aspergers, having trouble making and keeping friends, and being happy. I think everyone has had something they don't like about themselves, but being yourself, even to a few people, is better than being alone.
Hey, First I'd like to say, thanks for sharing your sad but moving story. I think its absolutely brilliant that you've came on here for help.. I'm glad you've figuired things out in your head, and from what I've read, you seem to be in a happier place right now, than you did with your last job. Always remember to keep yourself in a enviroment that makes you comfortable, that includes work.. However, I do believe quitting your job was the best thing for you at the time, it gave you more time to completely figuire things out, mentally in your head. You say that you've never been kissed, and that you do not like being touched by anyone. I think that may be due with a lack of nerves/confidence and the trouble you've been having accepting yourself. Don't worry, your get there. =D I agree with you, I think you need to focus more on your social life, once you start that, you will more than likely feel more at ease/comfortable with yourself. Getting close friends and even someone you know you can trust will always be a help too. You will be no longer keeping all this to yourself, which by the way isnt very healthy, coming out to someone will help your mental state. It sounds to me, that the girls you've been getting set up on, probably isnt the best idea, if you think you may be gay or are gay, taking into consideration you can't see any further than the third date. I'm guessing being gay and the road to acceptancing yourself is like one step forward, and two steps back, I know its like that for me. It's so difficult and I cannot emphasis enough with you. I guess the main focus for you should be trying to find out what entirely makes you happy. If thats a guy, when the time is right, and when you are ready, you need to tell your friends, otherwise you're never find peace and happiness with yourself. Don't live a life in fear of what people might think of you, because thats not important, if anything whos left standing by your side will have a major impact on you, because you know they are real friends and truly care for you, and your happiness. It also helps you get raid of the assholes in your life. I have the same problem when you say about over thinking everything, I insanely do it with everything, and I do not think its a good thing, its like a curse. I just always tell myself, "Right, Aiden thats enough, what people think, what people do, its not important, just do you own thing, this is all in your head". Even if its not sometimes its better to tell yourself that and quickly move onto something else, forcusing on things that make you happy usually helps. Really, the LGBT card has been looking at you a year now? It sounds like you need to get more comfortable with yourself, but you must remember that calling the help service, whats the worst that can happen?, its confidential, and you never know, it might suprise you how much it can helps... So I suggest just calling them, its just another part of the process. Being different is like a blessing and a curse, but what you must remember is that you are not alone, there's many people like you around, you may not see it, just look a little closer. They're everywhere!!! =D I'm still in the same position as you but I guess I'm just givng you my advice, I suggest you tell a close friend, someone you can trust and focus on your social life, remember being happy is the most important thing. Never let anyone tell you any different, if they do, they are just not worth it. Be bright, be yourself, be the person you always knew you could be. I believe in you, do you? I think with that my friend, your find peace within yourself, and you will finially allow yourself to find happiness in life.. Sorry for the long post, I just don't know when to stop. Good Luck A.S
