I met a guy and we've been talking for months. We started dating these last weeks and our relationship is getting serious. My problem is that I'm still in the closet. He was totally supportive and said he was fine with it. Some weeks before we started dating, I thought of telling my parents the truth once for all (It was not the first time I thought of doing it). I was (and still am) tired of hiding things from them and lying. My mother turned out to be a homophobic and it appears that my father, despite having no reacting in front of me, comes tell my mother things about me (at least that's what she tells me). I know they know that I'm gay, but they don't accept it and therefore they never talk about it regarding me, though they talk about other gay people or when they talk about in on TV. They just once said that it was a phase and that it was my friends' fault, that they were influencing me (and even this time they didn't say or ask if I was gay). My mother's always talking about girlfriends and the wife and kids she wants me to have in the future, even after all the times I've told her that I won't ever get married or give her grandchildren, though I've told her the possibility of adoption. Could I make it any more obvious?! It would be so much easier if they asked me what my sexual orientation is, but they don't do it because they're afraid of hearing the truth — they prefer to hide and truth, too. At least it's what it seems to me. My mother is a fashion's design teacher (yes, how can a person of fashion's design be homophobic?!) and she says she works with "them" every day and that "they" are disgusting, are a "thing" that are neither a man nor a woman and that "they" will always be frustrated people, incapable of being happy and will always be criticised by society. She also told me that gay people aren't even brave enough to tell that they're gay, and I think she was also referring to me. Believe me that these are the "nicest" and less horrible things she told me about gay people. (If you want, I can tell you the worst things she's told me later on.) The day before my birthday, she said: "if a son of mine ever told me he was gay, I would snap him!", but on the other hand she also tells me she would never leave me and put me out of home. Once again, I gave up the ideia of telling my parents that I was gay and most of my friends discouraged me of doing it as well because they know how my mother is and what she thinks of gay people. She thinks gay people choose to be gay and that nowadays people think that it's cool and fashion to be gay, hence everybody wants to be gay. My mother's always trying to control me and asking me questions about the friends and people I hang out with, and this is where I have to lie to my parents. I just don't know if I'll ever be brave enough to tell them the truth and live my own life in freedom. I could wait until I finish graduating and then move out of their home, but until that day comes, I just don't know how to stop lying and hang out freely with this guy I've been dating. I could tell my parents I have a girlfriend, but that would just raise them hopes and that's the last thing I want. I don't know what to do, because I really like this guy and I don't want to make him suffer just because I'm still closeted and am not brave enough to tell my parents. Do you have any idea that could help us? Thank you very much for reading this.
Hey dude, I've absolutely no experiance in coming out to parents, or anyone in that matter. Although if I was where you are, and my parents where getting on like that, I know that would hurt, badly. I read a parents guide for their children coming out, I read a nice line at the end of the booklet, Your child will face alot of prejudice from people, 'Please dont be the first one'. That kind of touched home. It must be quite hard, I suggest you continue with this guy you've been seeing, he might be able to help you through it.. =D Are you sure they assume that you are gay? Because if they do, what they are saying, 'Is NOT cool at all', they are just pushing you further into the closet if anything. If you think they know, and they dont, they might change their perception on gay people once you come out, not all the stereotypicals are the same. It sounds to me that you need to push your mum away abit to enable you lack of freedom too. If you truly believe that she would discrimnate against you like she's done with the people she works with, I'd suggest keeping quiet until you atleast have shelter/a place to move out. The last thing you want is getting disowned dude. My heart truly goes out to you on this, I wouldnt tell them you have a girlfriend though, your right about the false hope, just go out with this guy, say your going out with your friends, they shouldnt know the difference. I wouldnt say your not brave man, if anything you've came accross probably the worst discrimnation ever, considering it was your mum. Its scary, I'm sure the guy will understand if you told him your circumstances. If you feel the need to tell your parents, then just be careful, they might suprise you. Just ensure that its the right time, dont do it just to please a guy, your safety/security starts at home, you need to ensure that you are in a safe enviroment. Thats all I can really say, not that its been much help, not much experiance dude. My luck is sent your way though.. Aiden
Tough situation... coming from a conservative background, like you, I would suggest you don't come out to your parents yet, not until you are stronger and more independent. I know your relationship with your boyfriend would suffer from it but a compromise could be reached (I would think your bf has a lot of empathy for the situation you're living). That being said, don't hide your boyfriend from your friends and your everyday life, simply refer about him as a friend to your parents. That's what I would've done! Best of luck
I would be careful since you're still living at home and there's always the chance (however unlikely) that your mom could react bad enough to boot you out of the house. You have to first look at your safety and survival; as hard as it is, since your boyfriend knows you're still in the closet and is okay with it, then maybe you should keep up the facade until you graduate and move out. I only say this because from how you've described your mom, she doesn't sound like she'd be very receptive to finding out you're gay. I had to hide my feelings from my parents for seven years. I hated lying to them but I never felt comfortable enough to tell them until now. However, now I'm a sophomore in college, living hundreds of miles away from them, so I didn't have to face them everyday after I told them. Also, my mom wasn't (and isn't) very receptive to my announcement that I have feelings for guys, so I sort of know what you're feeling there (although my mom wasn't so against gay people to begin with). Feel free to message me if you need anything. I'll be happy to answer to the best of my ability!
To echo Arabman and Alex, I definitely advise you not to come out fully (as in, to your parents) until you've left the house/have a place to go if they remove you from the house. Generally, parents don't go that far, but there are some fringe cases who believe that throwing a gay son out of the house is far more important in their job as a parent than keeping said gay son sheltered, healthy, and happy. I'm sorry you're having to listen to your parents (or at least your mom) constantly saying harmful things about the LGBT community. Don't let it get you down. Use your boyfriend and your friends for support if things ever get too rough, they'll understand just how difficult it is to be in your situation. Speaking of your boyfriend, if you told him that you're still in the closet and that you're dealing with homophobic parents before you started going out with him, then you're not making him suffer. He knew what he was getting into before the relationship started, and so he'll be prepared to wait as long as necessary for you to get out of the house/tell parents, etc. Also, you're not being "unbrave" by not telling your parents yet. While they still have power over you, and are showing homophobic tendencies, it's highly intelligent to wait until they can't control you anymore to tell them. Good luck with this. It's tough, but the time you invest in staying safe and staying faithful will pay off! It does get better!
Thank you all for your support and responses! (*hug*) The problem isn't the possibility of my parents putting me out of their home; but if that happened, I'd have to find a job & a place to stay, and I'd have to quit university (which is exactly my problem and the main reason why I don't want to tell them yet). ArabMan, right now I'm hiding him from my parents. If they knew he existed and was my friend, they'd ask me — specially my mum — how I'd met him, where I knew him from, who he is, where he lives, what about his parents, etc... Yes, sometimes I feel like I'm answering an interrogatory for a secret security agency. However, my friends already know him. alex2020, I'm sorry to hear that, it must've been tough for you, too. I've been hiding this for 4 years and I know how hard it is. And I'm sorry your mum isn't still accepting it very well, but one day she will, certainly! Thanks a lot! I'll message you in case I need any help. Once again, thank you all for your support! I'll manage some way to deal with my parents and still be with the guy I love. ---------- Post added 12th Sep 2011 at 08:24 PM ---------- Oh, I almost forgot! Nollaig20, I'm almost sure my parents know I'm gay. I even think that my mother has read my diary without my knowledge. She knows the name of one of my gay friends and she also knows he's gay. When she first asked me about him, I freaked out and I couldn't believe she knew we were friends. How could she know it?! I refused and told her I didn't know anyone with that name, though I'm certain she understood I was lying. Also, a few weeks ago, she asked me again if I still used to talk to him and, for the first time, I told her I did. She told me bad things about gay people once again and then advised me to stay away from gay people and avoid talking to my gay friend. I ignored her. When I go out with my gay friends, my parents somehow know it and my mother starts saying horrible things about my friends (without even knowing them, which totally pisses me off!), and my father tells her something like "It's who he likes to hang out with, so what can we do?!", but he says this with a face of disappointment. It makes me think I'm doing something awful, and that's exactly what they think I am doing.
Hey Again, This is such a horrible situation that you are in dude, and I am truly sorry for all this madness going on around you. If you think that she knows you are gay, she's steeping very low to keep you in that closet. Which is not cool, you must feel so lost. =/// I advise you to keep hanging out with whoever you want, at the end of the day, its your friends, not theirs. If they have a problem with it, let them deal with it in their own way. It can be hard when you face homophobic comments, espcially from family members, believe me, I know, and I'm still closeted. If I was in your position, I'd just stay closeted, until atleast, you are able to move out. Or they change their attitudes towards gay people. That ground breaking moment that could turn it all around, while you say, 'Mum, I'm gay', that would make her gobsmacked. I don't have much experiance living this double life myself, I'm so sorry that I can't help you further. However, it sounds like your mum knows that you are gay, and doesnt want to hear it from you, being the reason for the homophobic comments, so that maybe she'll never have to face that her son is gay, because she's not allowing you to be open about it. I wish I could give her a piece of my mind, there's so much worst things that could happen, you might not be here tomorrow (touch wood) and she's sickened by having a gay son. Just stay brave dude, head up, and don't give your mum what it sounds like she wants.
Hey, thanks! I don't really believe my mum will suddenly change and start accepting gay people. She's trying to make me fear her and fear the idea of coming out, because she's probably thinking time will pass and I'll "face the reality" and turn to straight mode again. She thinks I'm too young and she's always saying I'll regret the things I do now in the future. She must know what she's doing. She has already realised that I'm not the son who used to love her. Our relationship now sucks and she's just my mother, I don't trust her any more. It was her choice! She's the one who lost me and I don't know if it's already too late to get me back. I could still love her now if she hadn't started with all those homophobic commets when I realised I was gay and was thinking of telling her. She just made me fear her and my own life, making me incapable of trusting her and telling her what was happening with me. She doesn't give me a chance to get close to her every time she says she won't have a gay son. This just makes me sad, but years have past and I got used to it, I don't trust her or love her any more. If she really knows that I'm gay and if she really wanted to have me back, she should stop to think that she hurts me with the things she says, and she should at least respect me, if she's not willing to try to accept me, if she ever loves me so much as she always tells me... If I didn't have the friends I have today and now my boyfriend, my life would be miserable and maybe I wouldn't be here right now. I just didn't do anything silly because I had other people who loved and still love me and support me all the time.
Hey there, Well first off its good he doesn't mind dating you while in the closet. But if you don't come out it could become hard in the future. Well I'm sad to hear that your Mum is homophobic. Hopefull she comes round in time. Most parents will ask there child is it a phase or will think its a phase. I know my father told me it's a phase. Well I knew I wasn't. It seems like your parents need to face the truth your 20 and your Gay and in your in a loving relationship. Well your mother seems really bad. Well Gay people aren't frustrated people, but they are when they have parents like yours. Holding them back. Gay people are happy so I wouldn't believe what she says. I would wait until your in a house of your own or got a small place or wait until your totally capable of living by yourself. So if she takes it badly you can go somewhere. Like Aiden my heart goes out to you, your not in a nice situation. George
Thanks for your support! And it is already hard today. It's so difficult to be with him. Yeah, it appears that my mother doesn't know/believe that gay = happy.
Yes, it'd be good if anybody had advice on how to date someone if we are still in the closet. I wouldn't like to lie to my parents, but I understand that in some cases/occasions it is necessary. And after a while, they'd suspect me if I was spending most of my time with a certain "friend".
I believe you have it spot on there man, like I said shes basically forcing you into the closet, I think she knows, and is trying her very hardest for her son not to be gay. As if its something she can change, she's viewing it as something so bad and shameful, its not, so never let yourself start believing her. Your life, your the one living it, therefore you make the decisions. You never know, the day you come out and tell her that you are gay, you might be kindly suprised. But I think right now, wouldn't be the best time. You seem like such a strong person, and I believe thats totally true, don't think your a coward for not coming out, believe that your strong and brave enough, not to tell the truth. In a sense this is making you a lot stronger as a person, which usually happens when people get picked on/bullied. All I can advise you is to tell this friend/bf of yours the truth about your mum, I'm sure he'll understand, and its better having someone to talk to rather than a computer screen if you know what I mean. And together you will feel stronger, believe me dude. You can do this!!! =D -Aiden
Hey! Thanks once again! (*hug*) Yes, sometimes it's hard to believe that what I'm doing isn't bad or shameful. She makes me feel like I'm living an illegal life. Yesterday night I had another date with my boyfriend and it was very late when I returned home, at least later than usual (but when I'm with him time flies!). My parents didn't like it at all and they asked me where I'd been; I had to lie again. I told them I was helping a friend at university with her project and they calmed down. It's been tough, and I feel insecure and uncomfortable when my boyfriend starts displaying affection in public.
Hey, Yeah espcially when everyone tells you otherwise!!! That is wrong, sinful and immoral, but to be truthful, if it was wrong, sinful, and immoral. Then why have we been made this way, it just doesnt make sense does it? When someone murders someone, its seen as immoral right? They murdered someone which was completely their own decision, so yet people like LGBT are immoral for naturally being the way they are, therefore its a pack of utter rubbish that doesn't make any sense. So chin up man. You are doing nothing wrong. Thats good, I think it'll just take time for you to be comfortable with the whole public view of affection. I know I wouldn't be comfortable with a guy holding my hand in public, wow that scares the shit out of me actually. But then again, I never thought I'd admit to myself that I like guys, people can change!!! =D
Yeah, I came to terms with myself and I accept who I am. Hahaha, that's exactly how I feel. But it's just a matter of "practice" and confidence. It's just that I'm still getting used to the ideia of having a boyfriend. :icon_bigg
I completely understand that, everything takes time getting use too. Espcially something as complex as this! I wish you all the luck in the world, and don't hesitate to send me messages or anything if you want some advice, even though Im quite unexperianced. I'm here if you wanna talk. =D - Aiden
Hi Kohut, I agree with Aiden that your mom knows you're gay and she's trying in vain to scare you straight. We all know that's idiotic and futile. Liking guys is perfectly normal for you. The feelings you have for your bf are exactly the same as straight guys feel toward women. Love is good. She's been mislead by society for so long she can't see the truth about human sexuality. If gay people are miserable, it's because of the supression and abuse by ignorant people around us. I hope you can continue to see your bf and other supportive friends without too much hassle from your parents. You are 20 so it's about time your parents give you some freedom and stop grilling you about where you are each minute. Is there any chance you can move out and live with friends? At least here, that's pretty common for college kids to do. Hang in there and stay strong. I hope you have a long and happy relationship with your bf.
Hey! Thanks! It would be complicated to move out. I'd have to find a job in order to continue studying. I suppose my parents would still finance at least my studies, but it would be tough, they wouldn't like the idea of me moving out. Thanks for all the support. (*hug*)
