need advice about deciding whether to come out

Tell your wife the truth for starters. Worry about the rest after that. She deserves to know what's going on.

 

Take each day as it comes. First off, I would advise you to tell the truth, not only does your wife deserve the truth, but you deserve some closure on this issue. You will feel so much better for it, this burdan you've been carrying around for years will finially be lifted and at ease. I think if you tell the truth and allow yourself to feel a connection with a guy, you will feel more at home in a sense, all those years of depriving yourself of this desire, will be gone. Your have what seems like you have always wanted, your wife will be hurt at first, but she may understand in time, as well as your children. Therefore, just be honest and hope for the best.

Good Luck...
Aiden

 

I think you need to ask yourself, which is the bigger burden? What you just mentioned, or to live for the rest of your life with these feelings and to hide them from the people you love? That's a question that probably can't be answered immediately. It takes a lot of time and thought to really examine the pros and cons of each situation.

 

^ This.

Just tell the truth, you're basically caught anyway.

 

Ditto the above.

While I certainly don't condone your actions in the past - either the cheating, or the cover-up - I understand it to some degree. You wanted to "experiment" without losing what you had. And after you tried it out, you wanted to have your cake and eat it. But now? What's to be lost by coming clean? At this point, you might still feel you're in the closet...but although the door is still in front of you, the walls have been blown apart. There's really not much sense in staying in at this point, since it will simply hamper any steps forward you want to take.

So what's your first step? Come out. To yourself. Admit you're bisexual (if not gay), and start learning to being comfortable with this fact. You say you have no one to talk it out with, but you've got us. Feel free to talk to us if you'd like. You can post in the forums all you want, or if you want something more one-on-one, feel free to send me a private message by clicking on my name to the left there. I have a feeling we can get you to a better spot.

Lex

 

You don't know that they will hate you!! Time can only tell, its a pretty big leap, but in a sense you've got two options, you can keep this secret, lying to yourself and family, being unhappy and depriving yourself of that one shot of happiness that you are still able to get, your 40, that not old at all, just more mature. =D

Or you can take that leap, tell them the truth, which will make you feel better, if they take it badly, I'm sure they will come around in end, 20 years counts for something, and you know it. Lastly your be giving yourself that chance of being with a guy that can make you happy, even live the rest of you LONG life together. =D Go for it man, if you don't your be unhappy, if you do, you might be unhappy at first, although you are giving yourself that possibilty of actually being truly yourself and happy.

Good Luck.
Aiden

 

Sounds like your in a bit of a tough situation. You can either continue living with this burdon and to make things right with the wife, you won't be able to prove your innocence because she wants you to do the lie detector. So it looks like you either dont tell her that your bi/gay, and officially break up with her, or just tell her the truth, its sounds like the marriage is falling apart. She deserves to be happy as well as you.

As for the money troubles, is there anyone that could maybe help you finiancially? A loan, a friend, sounds like your wife needs to play a part in this, its not entirely your fault, she did quit her job, which strained you's and your family. You need to have a conversation deciding what yous are going to do? How you's are going to support the family, its a two way street, remember that man, she needs to put in input too, and I think you should be honest for your wifes sake, if not more importantly for your own :-D

Good Luck,
Aiden

 

Sounds like your having a hard time.

First off, tell her and the kids. Your going to get caught out if you do do this lie detector test. Your best off telling them face to face as soon as you can. You need to tell them some of the things you told us.

You need to tell your wife a lot because it does seem like you have been unfair to her and the lying hasn't helped.

I don't think you should be paying everything so I would make sure that she pays some stuff as well because your going to be ending up in huge amount of debt.

I do think that the marriage has fallen apart. Its a sad thing. Maybe you should tell your friends and your parents and they can give you advice too, because they will know your with better than us.

 

>>>Okay the wife calls me and says the kids hate me the whole world hates me because she yelled at the kids for their grades and i guess expects them not to be mad 15 and 16 i told her they will get over it...

Well, yeah, eventually. But this seems a bit on the dismissive side. Why not HELP them get over it? If the kids are 15 and 16, and live in 21st century America, they know what "gay" and "bisexual" mean. So why not have a heart-to-heart with them about it? Explain in essence what's going on. You're bisexual, and you and your wife have separated in part because of that. I wouldn't drag in anything other baggage at this point. But let your kids know you're willing to talk about it.

>>>anyway when she just suspected what i was doing it was to much for her and she quit her job putting us in financial ruin and causing more strain..if i tell her how i feel and she quits again i cant financially recover and take care of the kids. i am already in debt about 3000 from this seperation process..she is already indicating this is all my fault and im sure i will have wasted all her good years in life and i have done everything i possibly could to help set her and the kids up and fixing crap around her house pretty much being at her wim..because i feel guilty and i guess am trying to compensate...i told her to go to the doctor and get some pills...

Her quitting might just be the only weapon left in her arsenal. The only hold she has over you. But there's a decent-to-good chance that she IS having some major issues with this. And you seem pretty dismissive about this, as well. It sort of comes across as "hey, sorry I messed up your life by sleeping with guys on the side, but we've got bills to pay, so get some 'happy pills' and get back to work".

I point these things out not to kick you when you're down, but to try to get you to focus better. You seem to see your own point of view pretty clearly, but I don't get much sense that you see theirs. Any issues or problems they might have seem waved away when they interfere with what you're dealing with, or what you're going through. And I think that needs to change. Not just in a perfunctory "yeah yeah OK she's got problems too" sort of way, but seriously, and in depth. Because only by doing so will you be able to come up with some sort of compromise. It almost certainly won't be ideal from anybody's point of view, but it at least might be workable. But I don't see you finding one so long as you only see yourself as the one with any problems worth handling.

Lex

 

tell the truth