OK now that I got your attention......it's not exactly what you are thinking. I have been seeing this guy for nearly a year who was 19 when we first met and he just turned 21. I am much older than him and in fact I could be his fathers age. I have always been attracted to younger guys. He told me that he is very attracted to me in a loving kind of a way. Kinda scary! He said that I am the father that he never had. Wow, that sent off an explosion of emotions for me. I never had a son and I always wanted one. Maybe me liking young guys is from that fact that I was in the closet until three months ago and I'm trying to experience what I never had as a young man. Just a thought. There are just so many crazy things running around in my head these days. But I will say that I feel better than I have for many many years....that's the cool part! So, is this a weird relationship? I have heard of other large age difference type relationships. Have others experienced this kind of thing? Do you know of others that have? Just wondering. And, yes we have had sex many times and both really enjoy it.
Is his father accepting of him? If not, to some extent this could be both of your subconscious' trying to fill a void the was empty before you met each other. But I think your relationship is normal as long as its based in love.
Okay I’m trying not to judge here. IF you do feel like a father figure to this guy then it will definitely be wrong to have sex with this guy. I think you should think hard about what you want and decide whether you want to be a lover or a father figure. Then pursue the type of relationship you choose.
Yeah I really think this is a touchy situation. If he's saying you're the father he never had, I think it should really be more a father-son relationship, that or you need to keep him from considering you his father because a sexual relationship where he considers you almost his father....it's a bit off. There's roleplay sure, but this sounds a bit more than just roleplay.
Yes, his father is/was not accepting at all and was not around much. I know that we will not have a long term relationship because he is leaving after he graduates from collage. We really like each other but also have very different likes that would make long term unlikely.
It's not horribly unusual, but it IS a different dynamic from the standard "boyfriend-boyfriend" relationship. To oversimply the case greatly, you won't really be coming into a relationship like this on equal footing. He'll presumably be looking to you to "take the lead" in a variety of ways, and you'll presumably be more "in charge" of things. These sorts of relationships do have their own set of perils and pitfalls, so it might be a good idea to do some research and do your best to avoid them. One thing that will help more than pretty much anything else - communication. Keep everything aboveboard, share your thoughts and concerns, and don't fall into the trap of thinking "If nobody says anything, then nothing's wrong". Lex
Thanks Lex, Those are some good things for me to think about. Actually he is quite independent and doesn't look to me much for direction.
Whoops - forgot one thing I was going to mention. Especially if you seem to fit together like two lost jigsaw puzzle pieces, it's easy to forget that you (technically) come from slightly different worlds. No matter how mature he is for his age, and no matter how "young at heart" you are, the fact remains that you're at different spots in life. So he might be grappling with the "what do I do with my life" questions while you might be spending some time pondering "do I have enough to retire on". And that's something I think that needs to be kept front-of-mind. It's easy to slip into the "we understand each other so well, I don't have to explain" way of thinking. But the fact is - he's going to act like a 21-year-old from time to time, and you're gonna act like a however-old-you-are-year-old from time to time, and that's something you'll simply have to learn to accept. Lex
What you're feeling isn't at all uncommon for people who come out later in life. I've talked to quite a few men in their 30s or 40s who feel attraction to guys in their late teens or early 20s, and the most sensible theory I've heard is that it's an unconscious attempt to relive or recapture the youth that you *should* have had if you'd come out and been able to be yourself and act out sexually at the age when most other people are doing so. Most emotionally healthy guys who feel that outgrow the stage pretty quickly because they realize it's not very sustainable in the long term; as Lex said, you're in very different places in your life and that becomes more and more obvious the longer the relationship goes on. So the risk of going forward in such a relationship is twofold: First, it can keep you from growing, in that it tends to encourage a relationship that -- regardless of how independent he is -- is going to have dependencies in it as a result of the enormous difference in life experience. Additionally, since he directly acknowledges that you're fulfilling a father figure he never had, that tends to make for an unrealistic projection onto you on his part. The upside is, of course, it could be fun. The downside is, it could prevent him from being able to develop a healthy attraction to people his own age by fostering and encouraging an emotional dependence; it's kind of unusual for younger guys to simply "outgrow" that dependency if they start to develop it, unless they get a bunch of therapy and work through the issues with their father relationship. And for you... it's easy to get your heart broken, and it's also easy to get really sucked into the attraction of a much younger partner (the physical and sexual aspects) which can make it harder to want to "settle" for someone older and more mature who better suits you emotionally and in terms of life experience. My general advice is if you avoid such situations, then you avoid the potential complications and pitfalls that come with them, and that's usually better, in terms of emotional growth and stability, for both parties. But I also realize that sometimes the physical draw is simply too great. So at least if you do decide to enter into it, you can do so with your eyes open and hopefully be conscious of the sorts of issues that will likely arise.
Chip, you are so right on. I have been thinking that I am attracted to him and other young guys because I did miss out on guy relationships and all the stuff that goes along with them (good and bad) when I was young. It breaks my heart when I think of how it could have been. I am trying real hard not to focus too much on the anger at all the societal pressures and my catholic church. But, the bottom line is that I was robbed, at gunpoint, of all of those things that I should have had. it's tough not being bitter. I know it's time to move on. I'm trying real hard, it's just going to take time. And yes the physical draw is too great for me to let go of this realtionship. I know I will have to at some point but I just can't right now. I've never had this kind of love......ever!
I think you need to establish what kind of relationship you want with him. Having a boyfriend relationship would be fine, as you're both of legal age and even if there is a large age range, it's not unheard of. Being more like a father figure to him is fine too, especially if he hasn't really had that before. But being both seems a bit weird.... I mean, if you are his father figure, wouldn't it be kind of odd having sexual relations regardless of whether or not you're related by blood? I don't know, just a though. I suppose whatever makes the both of you happy is the best path to choose.
Thanks Gerry, I did mention that he was like the son that I never had but I don't think of him as my son (if that makes since), yes I am attracted to him because he is young (and I'm not interested in anyone younger, he is 21), again because it took me so long to come out and now I am trying to make up for lost time....I think! I'm 15 years older than him which is a big difference but not a crazy difference. I must say when he told me that I was like a father figure to him it made me a little uncomfortable. I thought it was weird that he would want to have a sexual relationship with me under those conditions. There is a huge physical attraction for me but it's more than just that....he is a really cool guy.
Well, two thoughts spring to mind: - You're right, you never had this kind of love, ever! And, age difference or no, that's a pretty common occurence too. Before you come out, you don't even know such love is possible, or suppress it to the point where you can't ever feel its full force. However, then you come out, you allow yourself to feel it and... then there's a guy to come along and show some amount of interest. At that point, this guy is 100% of the dateable people you ever met. Which is, quite frankly, more than any hormonal system can take Falling in love with the first gay guy (or even just merely supportive straight guy) that comes along after coming out is something that seems to happen to almost every other gay guy I ever talked to. It seems to be like the reflex shipwreck victims have to swim for the nearest lifeboat. That doesn't mean it's necessarily a bad proposition to start dating the first person. That first person can be a wonderful partner too. But there is some merit too in letting the coming out euphoria subside and getting to know some more GLBT people before rushing into dating. If this one guy isn't 100% of your possible dating pool anymore, it allows for some more rationality That doesn't mean you need to let go of this guy just yet. But just be careful you don't use him as a lifeboat. - It's easy to get resentful. But it doesn't get you back lost time. Personally, I try to focus on the good things I got from being closeted. Even if I subdued my true feelings by fleeing into school, books and culture, I'm not resentful for where it landed me: with a nice job, a good education, and tons of good friends I would have never met otherwise. I like to think I can still get everythign other people have. I just went about it in a different order
