Hi guys, Long time lurker and first time poster. I'm just kind of sick of hiding my sexuality from my father and I would like to tell him but here's the catch; He's in the middle of a rather nasty divorce from my stepmother and also he hails from a area in south Texas that's a bit...uh shall we say homophobic? It took me years to finally get over my conservative baptist upbringing and stop beating myself up for being gay. I am actually enjoying being me for the first time in many years. Now a bit of back story for my dad.... My father, first off, is a great man and I don't blame him for being a bit apprehensive towards the topic of the lgbt world. I blame his surroundings for his off handed comments about this guy acting "faggy" or that two guys holding hands is "queer as *&^%". He's the kind of guy who picked up a stray dog with a bad leg and nursed it back to health in our utility room. He has always been kind to me and treated me with the respect he felt I deserved; he's even helping pay for my undergrad education. Its this mix of great dad/gay slander that gives me a anxiety attack every time I think i'm ready to tell him. I just freeze up and can't say anything and end up dismissing my silence by waving it off and then striking up a conversation about the economy, lol. I was going to tell him during christmas break this year when the whole divorce thing came up. He's kind of tore up over the whole thing and I'm afraid adding this too his plate would be just too much for the guy to handle. Do you guys have any suggestions about when/how I should talk to him about this? I just don't want to hide from him anymore and let him know that I am proud to be gay. (side note: my mom does not know yet, but I am FAR more comfortable talking to her about all this, I plan on talking to her in a couple of weeks when I come down from university for my B-day.) Thanks guys!
Welcome to (the posting side of) EC! Since you feel more comfortable talking to your mother, and don't seem to have much compunction coming out to her, you might consider talking to her about it after you come out with her. It may be that the divorce is a rather bitter one, and she might not be in the mood to discuss "how to approach your father" right now. But it's worth considering. Other than that, you might try the indirect approach. Act like it's already known. Mention your boyfriend, or lack thereof. "I was hoping to find a boyfriend at school last year, but I probably didn't give it the attention I should've." By doing so, you not only "come out", but you set the stage of "This is just part of what I am, and it's not a big deal". Lex
Welcome to EC! Like Lex said, maybe talking to your mom about it first might make it a lot easier for you to talk to your dad later on. Also, it might give you more time to give your dad so he take care of the divorce and be able to concentrate on you coming out. But, honestly, your dad is a grown man and he knows that life throws many curve balls at you. Sometimes more than one at a time. Maybe its not the best of circumstances, but if you really are sick of it then I say go for it and tell him. If you feel like you can wait then maybe you could wait for a "better" time, but the tricky part here is to not allow yourself to get stuck because on coming out if you don't find the "best" time to do it, because you will never find the "best" time to come out. Ever. Sometimes we just have to do it and deal with it. That being said, do whatever feels more natural and easier for YOU to do. Best of luck
Hi there, and welcome to EC. If you've been lurking for a while, you have likely seen that many coming out stories go way better than we expect them to. We stress over it and worry about ruining relationship or sending our loved ones over the edge, but in the end they're usually cool with it. Your dad sounds like a decent guy, and he obviously loves you. Yes - this might come as a shock, and he'll likely feel bad - not because you're gay, but because he's made the homophobic jokes that he did without realizing how hurtful they must have been to you. He's also got a lifetime of beliefs and assumptions that he has to overcome - and that will take time. However, don't come out to him as though it's the worst news you could ever provide him with. Because he'll take his cue, to some extent, from you. If you tell him in a 'matter of fact' way and don't make a big deal of it, he's more likely to take it in stride (at least in your presence). As for the divorce - well, stuff happens. The divorce might be rough, but it's not like it's something that has happened all of a sudden. It's likely to have been going on for a while, and it's hard to say when it will be over. As stated above, telling him that you're gay isn't the end of the world and really doesn't need to result in him being under more stress. So if you're to the point where you need to tell him in order to be comfortable with him, then tell him. Because he needs you to be comfortable with him - as he's going through a hard time and could likely use your support.
