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My Issues

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Iskuri, Sep 14, 2011.

  1. Iskuri

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    Hi, I'm new to this site but thought I would make a post seeking support about my condition. It has taken me three years to come even close to admitting that I am gay, due to living in one of the most homophobic, horrible, towns in the whole of England. It's taken years of my friends telling me what I am and my vehement denial to come to terms with it, but now I am ready to accept it. I've been having great support from my best friend and housemate, and she's been doing anything she can to try and break me out of my current funk, gay acceptance books, toys, etc etc but I still can't get past my burning self hatred. Whenever I think about properly accepting myself or coming out I just feel horrible, crying, wanting to die rather than have to accept my parents and all of my friends knowing about it all, my two closest friends know and nothing more.

    So, after that probably incoherent ramble, I am wondering if there's any way that I can learn to accept myself for this sooner and stop being an emotional burden on my friends when they are trying to help. Thanks for any replies.
     
  2. Ethan

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    The best way to eliminate prejudice and learn to accept other peoples and cultures is to spend time with them.
    I think that's a paraphrased quote from somewhere, but I can't think of where... XD

    Anyway, to help you feel better about being gay, hang around gay people. See that they are just that: people.
    Judging by what you said about where you live, the best you might be able to do is hang around here at EC for a bit. Join in on some discussions. 99% of us here are LGBT, with the other 1% being supporters.
    You'll see that it gets better. :slight_smile:
     
  3. InaRut

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    I agree. *Distracted by Nazo's signature...*

    Uhh. Right.

    It's easy to loathe yourself when you have very little to base the positive off of. I think you need to give yourself some room to grow, get some expierences to develop and learn from.

    Try a trip to somewhere else in England where it's more gay friendly (depending on your age). Expierence life outside of what you've known to be so far.

    But also, perhaps you've put to much on this "gay" thing. Once you accept it, like truly accept it, you realize that it doesn't change that much aboot who you are. It only affects you by how much you let it affect you. If you don't feel comfortable coming out to your parents or other people--then don't. Perhaps it's your own personal affair. Perhaps the time will come when you are ready, but there really is no rush.

    Don't let the beliefs of others..even your family...bring you down because one part of you is percieved as different. There is still a whole lot more of you that I'm sure is great, awesome, and fantastic!
     
  4. Iskuri

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    Thanks for the advice. I should have clarified in my rambling that I now live in Birmingham surrounded by very gay friendly people (most of whom are also in the fetish community), and I do want to meet others like myself but the gay people I have met so far seem to shun me because I don't look "typically gay", being in a rock band, wearing raggedy clothes etc etc, making me too scared to meet people like myself, and not sure where, my local lgbts are filled with people who shun and people who treat it like a clubbing orgy society, it's all very difficult for me, making me wish I could be happy alone.

    EDIT: Thanks for the advice as well INaRut I just saw it. You're making excellent points. My friend gave me this book called Gus and Waldo's book of love, it's a book about being gay, for children, but has really helped me see that when I accept it I can truly be happy in myself.
     
    #4 Iskuri, Sep 14, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2011
  5. maverick

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    There is no typical gay. I think if you hang at EC long enough and check some of the queers here out, you'll probably start to realize that. :icon_wink We have all kinds of interests and come from literally all walks of life. We're students, teachers, lawyers, musicians, political activists, married couples, parents, artists, social workers...the list goes on and on.

    Lots of people aren't into the club scene. You're definitely not alone there. The great thing about being gay is that being a club bunny is not a prerequisite. Neither is liking house music, having excessively good taste in clothing, or farting rainbows. :grin:
     
  6. InaRut

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    Well I'm glad you are in a more supportive enviroment now. I know that from first hand expierence that it can seem that the LGBT community have tendencies to shun the non super queen orgy porno partiers as I would consider myself appearing pretty straight myself.

    Alot of people usually don't guess I'm gay even when I am at gay bars or talk about making out with Jean Luc Picard while Patrick Stewart watches (paradox!!!). And I've had my fair share of problems meeting friends in the gay community or feeling like I belong there. But confidence in myself and perservence are two things I always held onto and even if you aren't mainstream gay there are others out there just like you.

    Unfortunately, if you are anything like me, I hope you enjoy Lesbians cause your gonna have ALOT of lesbian friends. Hahahha just kidding.
     
  7. Iskuri

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    I do want some gay or lesbian friends just for support, it seems that even my ultra supportive straight best friend and her vast collections of yaoi she is now lending me doesn't cut it when I need advice about coming out etc. I am as straight as they come but as I said the societies here don't really accept people like me and generally say I am kidding myself. It's really insulting. I think it's a good idea for me to talk to others, and my skype name is available to those who do want to talk in a more immediate manner.

    I am really appreciating all of the comments and help I am receiving but it seems that my self hatred is so irrational that I need a way to get out of it. Telling my family is going to be even worse considering their reactions to other gays that I've seen.
     
  8. csm123

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    Hi Iskuri and welcome to EC

    I too am from the uk and would like to assure you that most,if not all the people in your life will come to accept you once you have managed to accept yourself.You need to get past this barrier and accept you as you,being gay is nothing to be ashamed of,and certainly not a "condition" as you mentioned in your post.You were born this way,you didnt have a choice in the matter and im sorry but you cant change it.

    You have made great progress in coming out to two people so far,and must be commended for joining EC,this site gave me the courage to go from where you are now to being out.As you accept yourself your confidence will grow stronger,once this starts happening you start to get the urge to tell someone else and so on.When you can confidently tell someone you are gay,without making it into a great big "thing" or "condition",just keep it simple such as if you had to tell someone you were left handed, you will find they treat it as no big deal.

    It would really benefit you if you could just maybe dress casually for one night a week and try meeting more gay people,maybe even try looking on dating sites(sorry,not allowed to name any on here)as i would be surprised if there were no ads in your area from lads in your exact same position.Just seeing others that have accepted themselves,made the most of it,and ended up happy and accepted by others is a massive inspiration to come clean to everyone.Keep looking,not all gay men are the same,just as all straight men are not the same,there is someone out there just for you when you find him.Once people get to know you,they wont even care if you turn up in your present comfotable clothing,gay people are naturaly open minded,they have to be!

    Good luck with your stuggles,and i hope you stick around.

    PS,after reading this,i would just like to say that if it comes accross a bit offensive in places,it was not my plan and i apolagise.
     
  9. Iskuri

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    Your post wasn't offensive at all, thanks for saying what you did. Everything you said was true and needed to be said. I have gay clubbed before and did enjoy it but in Birmingham I cannot find a nice quiet place to meet people, though I will continue to try, I am just glad that my house in Birmingham is so gay accepting. I am also a member of the fetish community and I tell you going to one of those places is great for gay confidence, you could walk around in a dress with a beard and still be accepted.
     
  10. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    When I say to you, that you need to come to terms with yourself, I don't mean it in the stereotypical way. I mean, really, there is that constant buzzing wish in your head that is telling you that you must somehow attract someone's attention, and feeling depressed because you can't dressed like you are and behaving as you are in the clubby, rainbowy places you have tried so far.

    Now, take a step back, breathe, and relax. You are perfect the way you are, true there are things you should work towards improving about yourself, but whether or not you can find someone, never condition yourself to fit the needs of others if it simply isn't who you are. If you grew up in certain cultures, that may be doable. But most people in the developed world would not be able to keep it up.
     
  11. Iskuri

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    Thanks :slight_smile: that's a really good point. Kind of makes me wish I could pick out any gay men at my band's gigs :wink:. I did have a subsequent question for when I am at the stage where I am ready to be happy about who I am. I may be out to my two closest friends but few other people know, though several people I know suspect and would likely accept it, but how would starting dating be without being out to my parents yet? I realise that parents would be annoyed if I came out while having a boyfriend but is it that bad to start dating before being completely out?