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need help. am confused with my sexual orientation.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by needshelp, Sep 15, 2011.

  1. needshelp

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    okay, i'm a guy who's in the mid 20s going through a dilemma that i've been dealing with my whole life. i am unsure of my sexual orientation or i think i may have an idea but i'm not 100 percent sure.

    as a kid, like let's say when i was 3 or 4 and on ward. i acted real effeminate. really girly like. don't know why or how i was doing it but that was just the way it was for me. if i were to show photos of myself that was taken when i was a kid, you would be able to see what i'm talking about but i'm not going to do that for obvious reasons. some people started to question if i was gay or not. i remember back in middle school, my friend questioned my sexuality and asked if i was gay. i denied it to him.

    then when i started masturbating when i was 8, i masturbated to both women and men. my first years of masturbating, i masturbated to whatever aroused me. i really didn't care. whether it was a woman or a man, as long as i was turned on, i masturbated to them. later on like say 11 or 12, i was doing my regular masturbation sessions and it so happened that i was jerking off to some guys in a muscular competition in a video game magazine. while i was masturbating, i suddenly realized that "why am i masturbated to guys for? am i gay?" at that point, i stopped masturbating to men and strictly started masturbating to only women. i felt ashamed of what i was doing and forced myself not to masturbate to men anymore or to show no arousal towards men.

    eventually, i started acting effeminate when my brother told me one day that by the way that i was acting i would attract the wrong type of attention. i started to act real masculine where i started acting tough, i tried to be a certain type of male figure as a way of getting rid of the effeminate mannerisms, etc. this was back when i was 12 about to turn 13.

    then to top it off, even though i was attracted to girls, i was also attracted to guys as well. had a crush on a few guys here and there. you know.. it was weird because even though i tried to act like i didn't, i actually was. it just happened. saw some dude that i thought was attractive or whatever and it just happened. i chose to ignore what was going on as a form of denial that i wasn't experiencing this and kept it moving. around high school, i would kind of overexaggerate my feelings for girls so to speak. i wasn't girl crazy so to speak when i was a teenager or in high school. i don't know if that's because i masturbated a lot in which i still do or something else but i wasn't interested in really having a girlfriend and when i wanted one, i kind of had to force it out of me. i would not masturbate or whatever and think that would make me want to talk to more girls or would reverse the whole thing where i had an attraction for guys. i would do this my whole year of high school and i ended up with no girlfriend despite some of the opportunities i had where there were girls that wanted to be with me but i wasn't interested or attracted to them in particular. they weren't doing it for me. i would just get nervous and scared and shy away from them. i felt like damn... "why am i not doing this?" i've also had dreams in the past of dudes having sex, naked dudes and women as well if that helps.

    some years past between high school, college and now, i thought that i would be able to move on from this but however, i haven't. i still have had no girlfriends, still haven't felt the need to talk to women or feel a connection where i want to be with them, still get nervous at the thought of having sex with a woman as well as the thought of a long time relationship and even marriage. the idea of marriage scares me because how could i be like this and want to be in something like that with a woman knowing i have these insecurities going on. the feelings are still there and i'm growing tired of dealing with it. to make it even worse, i've had other gay guys try to send passes at me almost like i'm giving off gay vibes to them, like they're trying to out me or they're gaydars are going off or whatever. for the record, i haven't announced to them anything but yet they are throwing passes at me.

    i am pretty much a guy that has attraction to men and some women. awhile, i had fantasies of getting with this guy that i was attracted to and felt happy with it. i really can't say that i've had any fantasies of any women that i've been attracted because as of late, i really haven't ran into women that i've been attracted to and if i did, they haven't been running on my mind like the guy i'm talking about.

    i'm getting old and i really want to know... am i gay, bisexual, straight or am i just in denial? i don't know and how do i deal with it? that's my problem. how do i deal with it? my family and my friends homophobic, my cultural background is homophobic as well and i know that how tough it is out here. what am i and if i am really that, how do i accept myself? who do i turn to? how do i know that i am this? i'm scared right now.
     
  2. Chip

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    From what you've said, my inference would be either gay, or on the gay end of bisexual.

    I base that on your more recent experiences, as those are probably more accurate representations of your true orientation than the earlier ones where you were consciously trying to reject feelings you didn't want.

    Additionally, if gay guys have been hitting on you, it's likely you are putting off a gay vibe that people are picking up on, even if you're not aware you're doing it.

    One way that is often suggested for people having difficulty is to simply "try it on"... in your mind, simply allow yourself to believe that you're gay for a day or a week. Act accordingly in your daily life... allow yourself to look at men and see what you feel. Masturbate fantasizing about men, or look at gay porn. See how it affects you. Likely as not, that will (if you honestly do it with an openness to whatever the true answer is) help make things pretty clear, but if you want to be doubly sure, you can reverse things and try the same with women... focus only on looking at them, fantasizing/masturbating about them, and see how that feels.

    Do be aware that your unconscious may still try to reject the idea you're gay or on the gay side of bi, so try to just be open to possibilities without judging. It isn't easy to do that, but I think if you put your mind to it, whatever the answer is, you'll figure it out pretty quickly.

    Please let us know how it goes if you decide to try the above.
     
  3. needshelp

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    well... now that you mentioned it, i was thinking about jerking off to a guy that i thought had an attractive body anyways. the funny thing about that is that when i'm jerking off which is usually to women, i have random thoughts of attractive guys pop into my head and i'm like "noooo". i find myself stopping and trying hard to get those thoughts out of my head. i would say my unconcious is the one that bring up the thoughts and i try to repress them. my consciousness often rejects it.

    but i am scared though. me being gay??? really???? i just have to say this. how do i accept it though emotionally???? :bang: i don't want to believe it. i'm going to TRY to masturbate about a guy right now even though i'm having trouble bringing myself how to do it. i've really tried over the years to surpress my feelings.
     
    #3 needshelp, Sep 15, 2011
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  4. needshelp

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    just masturbated to a guy. i feel good. had no difficulty with jerking off, no difficulty maintaining an erection unlike the times when i jerk off to women. i guess i am either gay or bisexual but you guys have to help me out though more. there's so much questions i have to ask and say regarding this.
     
  5. Nollaig20

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    Hey dude,

    Your story has really reminded me of my own, its a bit of reflection of my own life. Do I know what I am? No, Do I want to be this way? No, Can I change myself? No. Right now I can't stand anything thats going on around me because all this is getting to me that much. The only time I feel even a bit merely happy is when I'm on this site talking to you guys, I've basically alienated myself from my few friends. I can't go out with them anymore because I just feel this over powering feeling of hatred, denial and confused. I think I'm gay but I just can't come to terms with it at all. In my head its like, I didn't choose to be this way, therefore I'm not going to be. But this feeling never goes away, which I've kind of realised. I come from a Catholic background, my dad is really into his religion and my brothers are homophobic. The only one that I think would be okay with me being gay is my sister, whom I can't tell because of the fear of her looking at me different, and in a sense knowing my dirty little secret.

    I suggest you talk to someone, even a stranger, I've actually got this pissed off that I've an appointment tomorrow with a LGBT centre tomorrow to talk about this. No1 knows apart from me, thats the way its going to stay, I'm really scared off going but I think it might help, why don't you do the same, just to see what they have to say dude, after all you've got nothing to lose. It's suppose to all become clear, as I'm sure it will, its just like you've hit a wall, and do not know where to go, why dont you climb over, or just walk around it. Either way, it will pass you, and the main thing I advise you is to accept yourself for you, if your gay, then who cares? The only person that matters is you, if you feel your family are homophobic, don't tell them, let them find out themselves if they will, either way, just talk, open your mouth and speak about your feelings, I think thats the only thing that helps.

    Good Luck
    -Aiden
     
  6. george678

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    Hi there,

    Well first of all Welcome to EC.

    I would say your either a Gay person in denial or at the bisexual but prefer men more.
    You cannot keep denying yourself because it will just keep coming back to haunt you, no matter how hard you try to keep these feelings in the back of your head. You said you masturbated this morning to Gay men and had no problem but sometimes you do with women this makes me think that maybe you are Gay and having problems accepting it.

    The first thing to do is to accept it yourself. Once you have done that you can maybe talk to a friend who you think may be accepting once you have done that talk to him or her and see how they think you can tell others if you can or how you can make your life easier, if you keep denying it to yourself it will only come back and haunt you.

    Hope this helps,
    George.
     
  7. GlindaRose

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    I would like to voice my disagreement with this, as technically there is no such thing as a 'gay vibe'. People act all sorts of ways, masculine, effeminate, whatever, but the reality is it has nothing to do with their sexual orientation. OP, you mentioned you tried to change when your brother told you you were attracting the wrong attention: Please don't change, you will be so much happier if you continue to be yourself and not 'act' in any way.
     
  8. Artemicion

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    I'd say, bisexual with a higher interest for men or gay. For a start, I think it's important to know what kind of stages that you're likely to go through which a lot of us have gone through (i know I have) in accepting one's self. The five stages of loss is one of these models that frames this journey. I've provided the link here:
    Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    Hope that helps somewhat.
     
  9. Gallatin

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    I'm bisexual with a higher interest in guys (hence my Kinsey 4.5 rating). It was very difficult for me to accept myself. Once I finally realized that I had feelings for guys and that they weren't going anywhere, I tried to convince myself that I was bi, but with an equal liking for guys and girls. Needless to say, that didn't work either. I was in denial about the true nature of my sexuality for all of high school and the beginning of college as well. Eventually, I just came clean with myself, that I was into both sexes but into guys more.

    Nobody is going to be able to tell you exactly what your orientation is; it's something that you find out and accept over time.
     
  10. needshelp

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    see..... there's times when i think about getting with a woman and i'm like... i probably could have sex with her but when i think of a relationship or something which involves love, i realize that i can't do it. that bothers me a whole lot and to be honest with you, i'm a virgin still. never been in a relationship or had sex with anybody. i have a huge difficulty with talking to women that i want to get with romantically or sexual. it's hard for me to express myself to them. i could have gotten with women in the past, i've had many opportunities in high school, other places etc but i really wasn't attracted to them. all the women that were attractive to me were the ones that looked real good that i wasn't all that into anyway. i kind of had to force my feelings for them such as times where i wasn't masturbating which made me overly horny where i felt the need to have sex and women that i wouldn't have found attractive became attractive to me. otherwise, if i masturbated like i should have, i wouldn't even pay them any mind or be aroused to them. i can't say the same thing about guys though. it's annoying to me. like i know society will be against me if i'm attracted to guys, i'll be outcasted and have nobody but it's something that i guess i can't help. i tried the homophobic route back when i was a teenager and i just felt sad and guilty because i realized that by hating gay people, i was hating on myself. even when i have convos with my friends and my family where they experience their disapproval over homosexuality, i just get upset and even get more upset when i agree along with them. i started to stop the homophobia and started to let go of my feelings. i watch logo, i'll peep a lgbt news article now. i guess it's a way of coming in terms with my true self and feelings. it's hard.

    thanks, man. your situation and mine are alike, man. we're questioning ourselves and we're not allowed to express ourselves and be ourselves without the backlash that'll come with it from our loved ones and the people that are supposed to be our friends. it sucks.

    see... i wouldn't mind telling someone about my problem as long as they'll keep my secret to themselves and tell nobody. there's some people that i think i could tell maybe but i don't know them that well. there's someone i have in mind but i think it's too late to talk to them because it's been some months since i last seen them and i don't know if it's cool to contact them or message them about anything. it would be nice to though. they PROBABLY could help me. PROBABLY. they seem like they would be a cool friend but at the same time, i think they were interested in getting with me so it would come off like i'm leading them on. i'm interested in them too but at this moment of time, i don't need to get myself involved in anything until i'm sure of myself or have some clear idea of who i am. i don't want to say that i'm gay or bisexual then get myself in a relationship then realize that i'm neither and feel ashamed and even more confused.

    but the lgbt center sounds like a good idea even though i don't know anywhere in my area that has one. like you, i'm scared of going as well. even the thought has me scared like what are these people going to say, how are they going to help me, what are they going to do for me. i think that i would be less reluctant to do this if i wasn't still living at home with my parents. if i was more independent such as living on my own, living in a different town, i would feel more comfortable in doing it but i don't feel comfortable doing this.

    yeah, i did the thing what chip said in the morning to test myself to see whether i'm gay, bisexual or straight. i usually feel great after i masturbate but surprisely it wasn't bad. in fact, i think i'm going to go do it again this time to a different guy then later on i'll try to masturbate to a woman to see if i feel the same.

    as for this, i don't think i want to tell my friends or anybody in my circle about this. the thing is i love them but i'm well aware that people do change and how friends become strangers for whatever reason. i'm used to having people turn their backs on me, disowning me, not wanting anything to do with me because i experienced a lot of that as a kid. the people that i thought were my friends turned their backs on me, treated me like dirt and disappeared out of my life. i was often frowned down on by others. got bullied and beat up here and there. stuff of that nature. i had unstable relationships with people growing up so let's say if i were to lose my friends tomorrow over this, i would be upset, sad but you know what.. i'll survive. i need to cry anyway. i've been holding to so much emotional baggage, this being one of them.

    for the moment until i feel comfortable, i'm staying in the closet. :eusa_doh:

    but for the moment, the more i'm coming to the realization that i have an attraction for men, the more curious i am with going to a gay bar or something. that's a huge step though.

    ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2011 at 08:14 AM ----------

    the five stages of loss might not be that difficult being that i'm used to feeling angry, sad, and depressed most of the time anyway. i think i can get over accepting myself despite having trouble writing down that "i'm gay or bisexual" and not having a hard time with myself believing that i'm here, writing this down or i masturbated to a guy earlier this morning but i am having trouble with people actually know this though. i think it's incredibly sad that even just questioning yourself or just even saying a comment where you're defending homosexuality will get you disliked. why do people hate homosexuality so much?

    well, that was back when i was 12. unfortunately, over time, the way that i started to behave became set in stone or at least that's how i believe. even though i still practice ways to that shows off my masculinity. as one person said who i think probably was talking about me subliminally at some point in something that wasn't even about me, the person is really smart, "you have guys that act over masculine as a way of covering up things". something of that nature. probably was referring to me but then again, that could be me, my paranoia acting up again.

    if i didn't change up who i was at the time, i would have remained the same almost. back then i was still into guy things like how i am now. i wasn't playing with barbie dolls, wasn't into fashion, wasn't doing most of the typical things that most kids that turn out to come out gay were doing. i wouldn't want to walk the streets talking in a high pitched voice, acting feminine, or whatever anyway. i wouldn't change the way that i am currently except for a few things but otherwise, i like how i am.
     
    #10 needshelp, Sep 15, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2011
  11. Chip

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    You're welcomed to disagree, but millions of gay men with well-tuned gaydar would not share your viewpoint. While I agree that gay people come in all shapes, sizes, and personality types, from hyper-masculine to hyper-feminine to androgynous to whatever else, someone with well-tuned gaydar can pick out almost everyone. I don't know how to describe it, but there are just a lot of very subtle cues that come across... not just the stereotypical things... and people who are "tuned in" have a sixth sense for detecting them. I do hear an awful lot from closeted gay guys who absolutely insist this isn't true, but I don't think I've ever personally known an out gay man who doesn't acknowledge the existence (and accuracy) of gaydar.
     
  12. Chip

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    There's no rush to tell anyone in person. That's one of the great things about EC; you've got a great virtual community of people here to help you and talk through all the things you're thinking about. For right now, this is probably at least a little bit of a shock, because it sounds like there's been some denial playing out. But once you are feeling more comfortable with yourself (wherever you are on the sexual orientation spectrum) then you can worry about telling others.

    I think *everyone* is scared shitless when they contemplate going to a place like this. But the reality is, it's a nice, friendly group of people who will welcome you and who have all been through exactly what you're going through. I think, when you're ready, that if you can get yourself past the front door, you'll have a great time :slight_smile:

    This is a little different, but I think that once you do work through that process, you'll be surprised how much can change for you. Very often, people who have felt angry and depressed much of their lives find their entire spirit lifting once the weight of repressing their sexuality goes away.

    Just to be clear... many, many gay men -- perhaps a majority -- did not do "most of the typical things that most kids that turn out to be gay were doing" growing up. That's a stereotype and those sorts of behaviors are easy to spot, so those kids that do show those stereotypes are identified early, but many more show *no* outward signs and yet are still gay (and yes, people with good gaydar can still identify them even without the outward signs.)

    It's clear that you have a lot of negative feelings about being gay, which is understandable, and that's driving some of your discomfort with yourself. But... over time, that will dissipate and I think you'll feel much better about yourself.

    If you would like to talk to me or another of the advisor team in a less public setting, please feel free to PM me or whomever you'd like to speak with and we'll be happy to talk to you more.
     
  13. Lexington

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    It sounds like you're pointed in the right direction. I've often stated that the first person you come out to is the most important - yourself. You're opening up, getting used to the idea, and that's exactly what you need to do. Eventually, you'll grow more comfortable with it, and you'll start coming out to others - not because "it's important" but because you want to.

    Hope we can get you to this side of the closet door soon. Just because life kicks so much ass over here, you have no idea. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  14. Nollaig20

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    Hey,

    Your are entirely right when you say that, I mean, I'm scared shitless. I guess its like going into a fire knowing that you are going to get burnt. As the fire grows and expands, it soon catches up to your neck of the woods, when you realise that there's no other way out without getting burnt to be able to truly live your life. So in a sense getting burnt is just as bad as not getting burnt, because if you don't save yourself from the fire, you will just burn within in it. You being you, the fire being your sexuality. Just incase you didn't catch that. The wounds will heal, and you will be finally at ease with yourself. Sorry for the stupid metaphor, kind of rambled on abit...again.

    Yes, if you know that you can completely trust them. I feel the same, although I also think its the whole idea of them looking at me as the gay guy. If they are a true friend, they will still be there for you, real friendships can be driven apart, and be brought together again without any of you's realising it was gone in the first place. I know what you mean when you say that you want to be entirely sure, have you considered experimenting? I feel as if I'm waiting on some confrimation coming through the post telling me that I'm definitely gay. But it doesnt work that way unfortunately, because it'd be so much easier.

    All I did was type into google, my home time, there must be some centre that can help you deal with this, I think talking to a stranger would really help though, because they won't be affected, if you didnt like it, walk away, nothing has been lost, the only difference is that a stranger knows stuff about you, which is completely useless to a stranger at the end of the day. Talking on here is a big step too, you could try to make an appointment somewhere and tell your family that your going out with friends or something. As for when you said, what will these people say? how will these people help me etc. I guess you have to go and see what they can do, I know one thing, right now, it can't make me feel any worse than I already do. :-////
    Aiden
     
    #14 Nollaig20, Sep 15, 2011
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  15. needshelp

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    naw, it's all good. what you said wasn't stupid at all. it's true. basically, we're running from the truth and we know it. the thing is the truth will set us both free but at what cost. we can go around, do our thing, tell people who we are if they ask, basically live our lives secretless with no baggage that becomes an uncomfortable emotional weight or something that we deny within ourselves. you know... i remember back 10 years ago, i remember having really bad internal conflicts with myself regarding my sexuality. it was really bad. i would try to tell myself that i was a heterosexual because i had thoughts i didn't want in my head. i would overexaggerate my attraction towards certain girls that i really didn't give a sh!t about just to ease the insecurities with myself. it was terrible. i went through that dilemma until one day back in 2004 before my graduation from high school, i wrote that i was gay in my journal and i said that i thought such and such guy on the tv was attractive. i later got cold feet and backed off saying that "naw, i was just playing". funny thing was sometime later, the new jersey governor came out the closet and he said certain things about himself that i could relate to somewhat. my family members and me were making fun of him but i felt guilty on the inside. i would later continue doing what i did before. deny, fight my feelings, do the same cycle until now.

    i think we're blessed to go through this. we're blessed. being attracted to the same sex or both sexes isn't bad. it's that the world has made it a damn curse and we've been told from the time we're kids that this is bad. this is evil. we're going to hell. you're going to lose your family. you're going to be unhappy and miserable. f*ck all those people.

    that's the thing. people are that ignorant where they are willing to throw away something good just because of something so trival. why disown somebody because they're gay? i don't understand that.

    but on experimenting. i'll try it but i need someone to try it with that won't out me like that. there's some guys that i've been interested in but the problem is these guys were out the closet and roaming about. i doubt they know how to deal with guys that are curious. you know... how do you experiment with guys that are gay and if they are interested in you, you have to worry about them throwing you under the bus because you didn't do what they want you to do? hate to say this but i've actually kind of been studying some gay dudes and the ones that i've been around are really aggressive and determined to get you if they want you.

    as for confirmation. doubt that there's really a confirmation. the best we can do is just gather answers on ourselves. really. the fact that we actually have an attraction towards men which is strong enough to bother us says that we have some sort of gayness in us whether we want to believe it or not. the thing is... is it strong enough to the point where we have to act on it to ease the tension we're experiencing in our brains. there's ton of guys outthere that find other guys attractive or whatever but it's not enough to make them feel a certain way about those guys. i can't say that i'm one of them. one thing i want to know is how do i live like this. hell, i went to the gym and my mind was all messed up. i jerked off to some guy and here i am working out with other men who i usually don't eye up anyway but now since i'm expressing the feelings that i kept in the dark for so many years, it's like how do i control it in a setting like that. i damn sure don't want to start staring guys down or whatever. i'm not even attracted to most of those dudes anyway. however, there are some dudes that do seem attractive and they happen to give me that look like this one guy. my guess was he either wanted to talk to me or he was gay. there was something about him.


    i'll try to bring myself to do it next week amongst other things that i'm supposed to be focused on. i'm going to TRY to do it. this might be the hardest thing that i've ever done in my life. hell, coming out the closet, i hate saying that word, might be the hardest thing that i've ever going to do. i know that they'll probably tell me what i've suspected all along and that's it. you said that you were going to the lgbt center tomorrow which i'm guessing is now today. let me know how it is, man.

    with that said.... i think i'm going to start saving pictures of guys that turn me on my computer in an effort of just facing the music i've been running from.
     
  16. Nollaig20

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    Yeah that was what I was trying to get accoss, we can't escape it because its always going to be dwelling in the back of our minds. Yeah your right in a way the truth will set us free but with a costly cost. Which is what keeps us from telling our secret because of that cost. We kind of need to stop and think, is it worth it? Sometimes it seems like it is while other times it just doesn't. You sit back and wonder how the heck did you deny this to yourself for so many years. Its crazy man. :-\\\

    Yeah I think I did the same thing, I thought if I go out with girls, have sex with girls, then that way I'm straight, but yet I did all that, and I'm still here. I think it makes us feel better when someone who looks normal comes out of the closet. It's like a complete relapse, relapse, relapse.
    i think we're blessed to go through this. we're blessed. being attracted to the same sex or both sexes isn't bad. it's that the world has made it a damn curse and we've been told from the time we're kids that this is bad. this is evil. we're going to hell. you're going to lose your family. you're going to be unhappy and miserable. f*ck all those people.

    Yeah it is stupid considering the person is still the same person, how can one thing change everything? I suppose religion and the societys got something to do with it!!

    I want to do the same thing, just to be sure, finding someone who isnt going to throw you infront of a bus is really important. Thats not cool, I remember a I was out with a few people one night and two of the guys where gay, and one of the guys wouldn't leave me alone, kept telling me how much he liked me which made me feel really uncomfortable. I was in denial then too.

    Yeah but it'd be so much easier if there was, things would be so much more clearer.
    Yeah thats true, I bet that was hard saying that. For me, I think its strong enough, thats why I'm going to talk to someone about it, I'm feeling really down all the time cause of it. I know exactly what you mean, I look at guys all the time, even if I'm not attracted to them, I'm still noticing things and all. Thats something I can't say that I've done with girls. =/// I work in a grocey store, and theres this one guy that I've noticed came in twice, he stared at me the first time, I was like okay, then minutes later I was walking out to my car, and someone waved, it was him, then the next three times I've seen him, he just keeps staring. I don't know, but I feel like he knows or something which makes me feel uneasy.

    Yeah I think it might help you a lot, I'll tell you how it goes today!! =D I think you can do it, your at the same point as me. So yeah you have it in you somewhere.
    Thats actually quite a good idea, tell me how it goes. =D

    -Aiden
     
  17. needshelp

    Full Member

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    okay about a week later and after acknowledging my feelings for guys and all. i'm still trying to figure me out. even though i'm accepting the possibility that i might be gay despite me being unsure about it just like my straightness. i can't say that i'm not entirely attracted to women. i saw this video on youtube with this girl doing flexibility moves and i got aroused. i've also tried to masturbate to a few guys this past week and my homophobia and fear spouted up multiple times. i remember on tuesday feeling guilty that i was masturbating to some men before i went outside to a public area. i was like "how am i going to walk around here knowing that i masturbated to some guys?" i was still battling myself. i still ask myself questions.


    i also have to say that as of late, i really haven't felt for anybody or developed any crushes. i know that this will take a long time to figure out but honestly, i'm getting really impatient with this process.

    for now, i'm going to put myself as bicurious completely unsure of my sexuality. i wish that everything was clear cut where i knew who i was and i could deal with it.
     
    #17 needshelp, Sep 22, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2011
  18. george678

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    You may have internalized homophobia. Basically where you feel sick inside about the thought of masturbating to a guy.

    Yes, I would say your bi- curious. It's been to try and work it out rather than ignore it.

    It can be confusing but only you can work it out and given time you will.

    Others, will probably give better advice.
     
  19. needshelp

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    more than likely, how do you get rid of homophobia though?
     
  20. LikeMyCloset

    Regular Member

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    Not out at all
    just a thought - please let's not define mid-twenties as *old*!!