I need some help. I'm almost certain I like girls. But then there's this guy... Basically, I came out as 'not straight' and then I got with this guy (we'll call him J) and I was NOT attracted to him, and stupidly I thought that meant I'm probably gay and I think now most people think I'm gay (not bi or anything). I decided that I had been in denial about being gay, I want to be bi because then there's still a chance I could end up with a guy, it would be so much easier for everything and my family would never have to know etc. I had finally started to accept that that probably wouldn't happen - I might never like a guy. BUT over the summer this guy (we'll call him M) started talking to me, and we got on, he's in the year above so I was like 'well it'll be good to have an older friend (not just for getting booze and things, but also because, well, you know, it's "cool" to know people in the year above at school :L)' and we talked a LOT on facebook and then we would talk on the phone too. So when I finally met him it was like (this sound a bit stupid) seeing a celebrity, because we had never actually met before. I was really nervous meeting him in real life, and I went quite red when we first actually talked (and I still do when he comes over and talks to me sometimes now). I don't know whether this means I like him, but I think it's to do with the way he is (quite forward and touchy-feely) and I know that people are watching and judging - this isn't just paranoia, it turns out they actually are, which I'll get to soon. We still are talking loads online and he phones me up sometimes too, and we sometimes see each other at school and talk a little. People seem to be noticing though, and according to my friend "everyone's talking about it" (it's quite a small school). She thinks that I like him, and I'm starting to think maybe I do ? I have no idea though. She says he's attractive, and I guess I can see it. Maybe I like girls and guys, but I just haven't really had the chance with an older guy, sort of more like a man than the guys in my year ? ARgghh I don't know! I actually have no idea! And if anything happens with us and he really likes me then that'll hurt him if I don't like him (which is what happened with J) and it'll hurt me because I'll have got up my hopes of bi-ness again. or if I do like him then that'll hurt J. And if I do like him then it turns out he doesn't like me that'll hurt me. etc. etc. Every possibility hurts someone. My friend thinks he definitely likes me though. He has said to me that I'm "pretty darn attractive" :L and he apparently told someone that he started talking to me because he finds me really attractive. ??? But he knows that I'm gay, he doesn't know that I have doubts or anything. What should I do? Should I make sure I just keep it as friends, or should I see what happens? I might be going with him and his friends to this club thing, and so I would have the excuse of being drunk if anything happens, and I could see if I like him. But the trouble is, this is like almost exactly what happened with J, I got my hopes up, thinking how great it would be if I did like him and having a relationship with him, not being completely gay. It would be really really great. And I'm already getting my hopes up about M. I guess maybe I'm scared of getting hurt again. What happened with J felt so horrible. PLEASE any advice?? (and congrats for getting through all this, and even more so if you understood my rambling :L)
The question is, can you actually imagine yourself in a relationship with him? The phrase I noticed was 'she says he's attractive, and I guess I can see it'. That sounds to me like you're not really sure if you're physically attracted to him. Try imagining yourself in a relationship with him and ask yourself if that's what you want/ does it feel right to you. Apart from that advice I'd say see what happens. If you really do like him it shouldn't matter to anyone as long as you're happy. And about hurting people/getting hurt yourself, I don't think it could end up too badly- that's just my opinion though- and you've got more to gain by giving it a go. Good Luck and I hope it works out okay x (*hug*)
I noticed the exact same thing as DefineNormal. If someone needs to point out that he is attractive this raises red flags. Except for the most objectively beautiful girls, it takes a moment before I decide they are attractive, but for guys it is generally a visceral instinct. I see a guy from far away or out of the corner of my eye and I am like, “oh, he is an attractive specimen, rawr.” Perhaps it is slightly different for girls since, from what I have read, women are less visual, but I suspect there is still that component of visceral attraction from how I have heard my female friends talk. I also noticed that you said essentially that you like the idea of liking him and being in a relationship but that is one step removed from actually wanting the real thing. I like the idea of the simplicity of being in a heterosexual relationship, but at this point I can’t imagine it being successful. If this is in fact a fantasy own up to it or try to find out if it is one. Self-delusion is a dangerous drug. I lost a best friend in a situation similar to this. I refused to acknowledge that I was gay, and I deluded her and myself into thinking that we could date, until it blew up. I hope you figure this all out. It is so hard, and it is unfair that it is not easy for us. Whatever you decision I hope it makes you happy.
