Bottom line first: how did you work up the courage (if that was needed in that way) to tell the first person you told? Backstory A month after I joined EC in July, I was feeling great. The community and the advice and the stories really helped me accept that I am gay and feel good about it. I set the goal that I would come out at the end of August when I return to university and had my close friends around me again. That time has come and gone and nothing has happened. I feel ready to come out. I feel eager to come out. I am sick of keeping this secret. But I can rarely seem to find a good moment to tell my friends and when I do I can’t summon the courage to tell them. I know that I will be happier on a day-to-day basis and I know definitely that this is not going away. So my choice is to be happier and open or ruminate in the closet. On this day, I choose life. Yet I can’t seem to get past my fears about how this will change my life and the permanence of finally coming out.
Your life doesn't have to change all at once. You can start with one person you trust. In fact, you can call that person right now if you want. Trust me, after the first time you tell someone, you'll get hooked on it and you won't be able to stop. At first, you have to come out, but once you start to come out, the gay just starts coming out of you and you'll be out and happy before you know it. You just have to start, and starting can be a phone call or a text or an IM if you aren't feeling super courageous.
I agree with this. Also, practice coming out in the mirror or when you're laying in bed. Just say it out loud to yourself when no one else is around. Eventually you'll get to the point where it won't scare you anymore.
I think that's very helpful. I did that a lot in the time leading up to my first coming out (and also leading up to coming out to my parents). It helps desensitize the phrase, I think. I still had a lot of fear when I told the first person, but the key was that I was controlling my fear, not letting it control me. Not to be cliche, but I told myself that the only thing I had to fear was fear itself. So I rallied some courage, said to hell with it, and told her. Not exactly the smoothest coming out on my part (I was a nervous wreck the entire time) but I felt a whole lot better after I had.
You've already done the first part of what I did--you've reached critical mass. You sound like you're more ready than not to come out and start living out. That's the hard part, even though I know it doesn't seem like it. There's some good advice in the above posts. Practice coming out when you're alone and get comfortable with it. Also, decide your medium. Are you going to come out in person? In a letter or email? Who will you tell first? Will you do it all at once or in stages? Those are some things to think about that only you can really answer for yourself because it depends on your life and the people in it. You'll be okay though. Life doesn't change all that much in the day to day after coming out. It's really just a relief to not have to edit so much of what you say and do. Good luck and keep us posted
^ this. I know when I first came out, finding the right moment was hard. In fact, I came out "by accident" (i.e. dropping not-so-subtle-hints). But once you start, the process becomes much easier. After a while (at least I found) it goes viral and everybody ends up knowing, so gossip saves part of the coming out process, but usually by then you're pretty comfortable with it anyway.
I asked my friend if he could have a chat for 10 minutes. I told him I needed to tell him something. I then wrote it down on a piece of paper. He then said how he was sorry for all the negative things he said about Gay people in the past and he helped me come out to others. Just find the right friend, the person you trust the most, then find the right time and place to do it, if you cannot say the words then write them down like I did.
Thanks for your support! While I already sort of knew some of what you have said, it still really helps to hear it again, and again, and again. Maybe it will be like HP7, when he brings out the resurrection stone at the very end. "open at the close." Knowing that I have the support of EC is really awesome, and reading this has definitely given me some more strength. Part of my trouble is that I know I have to do it in person, which I think takes the most internal fortitude. I really got into the I am gay exercise in front of the mirror, and I hadn't done that in a few months, and it definitely felt different having now the purpose of telling someone else rather than myself that I am gay.
Man, I can relate. And the first person is extremely difficult. I just came out to my parents tonight actually and they took it amazingly well (and I was expecting the worst reaction ever---for years!) You just never know how people will react, and honestly, more often than not, they're going to love you no matter what. You are still the same person. You're just revealing something they may not have known. But believe me, whether you need liquid encouragement (I had a couple beers tonight) or whatever, you CAN muster up the courage and you can do it! You can! And you should! You'll feel incredible afterwards. Good luck! And by the way, there is never the "right time" so go for it whenever you can!
Maybe insisting that it has to be done in person is a subconscious ploy to keep delaying it. It's a block you're using to delay coming out. I don't really know, that's just a thought I had since I've constructed requirements to come out that give me excuses not to do it. I'm certainly not criticizing you since I've never talked to anyone I know about being gay. I like George's idea of writing it on paper and giving it to a friend. This way you could do it in person if you really want that. Ahead of time, write "I'm gay" on a piece of paper and fold it in half. Then when it's just you and the friend you want to tell first, give the paper and say something like, "Hey would you take a look at this and let me know what you think of it?" Then your friend will get a huge smile and hug you and say, "I think this is just fine and you're awesome!" (!) Good luck, buddy, let us know how it goes. I also wanted to add that I hope you can do this early this year in college so you don't lose anymore of your youth waiting to get out there and meet some guys. Not having that chance while I was in college is my biggest regret.
Maybe not advisable for everyone, but liquid encouragement was extremely helpful for me to tell my first person ever. I understand where you're coming from though - the first person is the hardest, so choose the person wisely! It gets so much easier after that. It probably seems so far away now, but at some point you will be able to turn to a friend you realize you haven't told yet and say "oh, I don't know if you know this, but by the way - I'm gay" and they will probably respond with "oh, alright!" and life will continue on as normal. You'll get there Best of luck
