OK, so I am transgender and I met this girl before I came out. I really like her and we've had one date before I came out that didn't go very well. I decided, after much thinking, to give her a second chance since I like her so much. The problem is that she has made it a little obvious that not only does she want to come over to my place to have a couple of drinks & do the date thing, but that she also wants to hook up. While I really like her and being with her is something that I would like, I'm afraid to for a couple of reasons. I'm not out to her yet, so she doesn't know that I'm female and that I'm gay. I've already decided that any kind of relationship that happens with her will have to wait until after I've come out to her, since it wouldn't be fair to her to not be honest about who I am. Plus, I've tried to date straight girls all my life, & I've been with quite a few too, but it's never worked for me & I never feel comfortable with having sex since I have to be what I'm expected to be in bed - a guy. It got so bad at one point that I stopped having sex like six years ago because it just didn't feel right. I really like her and I want to date her, and I even really would like to have sex with her, but I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how I'm going to come out to her and I'm really afraid that I'll just be a coward and do whatever she wants just so she'll still like me. What's worse, if I do get the courage to come out to her, I'm afraid that she'll take it badly and out me to anyone she might know, which would include several people I know that I haven't come out to yet either. I have this date tomorrow and I really don't want to cancel on her since we were supposed to get together before but we didn't. Any help or advice anyone has would be really appreciated since I'm really nervous and frustrated and a bit scared now about everything... :help:
DEEp breath sweet heart the truth is always a good thing so if you tell her it might be the best thing that could happen to you ok ?? and dont fret cause i know that for a fact your beautifull and i love you for who you are
It sounds like you need to slow things down a bit here. On one hand, you really like this girl and you're even contemplating having sex with her. But on the other hand, you don't know her well enough to trust her to keep your true genger / orientation to herself or how she'll even react to that news. So to me it sounds like maybe you're not really in a position to get intimate with this person. And I would tend to think that if they don't know you're female and a lesbian, sharing that will come as a bit of a shock, and will quite likely 'kill the mood' - at least for this particular date. It's a pretty heavy topic to bring up.
Honestly, I don't even feel like I'm ready to have sex, but I'm not sure what to say or how to handle things if she wants to. I'm afraid of getting backed into a corner where I have to come out to her just so I won't have to. Even worse, I'm really attracted to her, so I'm afraid that I won't even be able to say no to her. And I WANT to be with her, I just don't want to be dishonest about it. I'm going to try and take things as slow as I can with her, but I'm hoping that she may just want that herself, to just get to know me first...
I am in a bit of the same dilemma with a girl I've been seeing for a little while. So I'm not gonna be much of a help here I'm afraid, but I will leech some advice from the thread My main problem is that as much as I love the company, I'm not really interested in relationships at the moment. The sex-part is also a problem I have. I simply don't enjoy it much, the intimacy yes, not the act. My main concern is that this will not change and I'll never be able to have a long term relationship. So I kinda need to work it out, which is one of the main reasons I want to see a therapist. It may be a bit different for you, kiersten, as you sort of have a plan, or at least some sort of direction. I don't really. I think in your situation I'd just wait ...
Well, at this point, I'd be physically comfortable with kissing & heavy petting (maybe), but I'm taiking the coward's road at this point. If she wants to have sex, then Im just going to say 'Sorry, I can't. I don't have any protection & I won't have sex without it!' which is true for me, or at least is was before I stopped having sex. As bad as it sounds, this is one of the really big reasons I want to have gender reassignment surgery, so I can finally have a NORMAL relationship with another woman. As for waiting Veronica, I'd love to take that option, & that was pretty much my approach until after i eventually had surgery, unless I met a girl who accepted me for who & what I am & respected me in bed as that person, but this was an unplanned situation for me. I wasn't counting on being this attracted to another girl so soon after coming out, especially physically attracted, so it's what makes things more difficult - I really want to have sex with her, I just don't want to be dishonest about the fact I'm female & gay & I want to be treated like that during sex. Part of me is hoping she cancels tonite...
Yeah, I see that problem, and as I said I am currently facing a similar one. I honestly have no idea. If you figure it out first let me know! I have laid some groundwork if I decide to tell her everything, and I don't think she'll freak out as she is very open, but I'm not sure she'd want a relationship either, which in turn I may be fine with ... this again kinda makes it trivial, but it involves telling her everything, which again is very scary.
Hey Kiersten! I can see why you're stressed! Meeting at your house to drink and hook up is a really high pressure date, especially if you're not comfortable having sex the way she expects. I think you should text her: "hey [hot lady who wants to bang me] would you be up for meeting at a coffee shop beforehand? there's something I'd like to talk to you about." That way, she can manage her expectations, you both have a bit of a buffer in case it doesn't go well, and you can't chicken out of telling her. Whatever you decide to do, good luck! Daisy PS. I think no condoms might be the dude equivalent of not shaving your legs. It probably won't stop you from having sex. Don't do it!
Well, I think I might be OK tonite. She sent me a text saying she wasn't feeling well & that she'd let me know a bit later if she was coming over, so I'll have to wait & see. Honestly, if she blows me off, it will be a bit of a relief. As for the condom thing, I do know her well enough to know she won't without protection either, so it may be a good excuse if she does come over. The downside to that is that I live across the street from a convience store, so if she really won't take no for an answer, I'll either come out to her or completely cave & go across the street. As for going for coffee, the convience store is the same building directly next door (great location to move across the street from I thought at the time) to the closest coffee place. I really do want to be with her, I just would prefer to be honest about being female & gay first... Hopefully she isn't up for getting together tonite & I can get a little more time to figure out how to basically tell her I'm a lesbian with physical issues... Argh!
I am a lesbian who loves transgender women- they do exist! If you haven't had much luck dating straight girls I would definitely try gay ones. Also, as a cisgender female I would find it harder to meet one person as one gender and them have them tell me otherwise after I got to know them a bit better, than to meet someone who right away who told me what gender they were, even if they weren't far in the transition process. That way you get off on the right foot with the right pronouns.
Thanks Queerios! I appreciate it! From what I've read tho, a very large number of lesbian women are not as open-minded about transgender women as you & some of the other people here on EC are. It seems transgender women are regarded a bit differently. I even found this article on the tevolve website a little disheartening... I'm A Lesbian Transwoman Well, before I started vlogging, I didn't even consider such a thing(yes, I was very unaware, and naive). But once I did, I tell ya - the end of the stick isn't pretty. I am quite frankly disgusted and appauled by the reception transwomen receive from cisgendered lesbians. We may as well go an take the "T" out of the "GLBT", because as far as I can see, and for the most part - transwomen are discriminated against, and are received with a perception of mistrust from the lesbian community. Now I know this doesn't apply to all lesbian ciswomen, but from what I have heard from many in the trans-community - the repoire ain't pretty. Which is something I really don't understand, since for the most part, I can't seem to bat them off me when I go out. But this is usually without my trans-predisposition being disclosed, so I haven't really seen it in person. I have spoken to some lesbian transwomen indepth about the subject, and they don't leave much to the imagination. I have been told stories of how a transwomans femininity, and womanhood is often questioned by some lesbian ciswomen. How their agenda, genuiness, and integrity are often brought into question when a transwoman is considered by some lesbian ciswomen. Quite frankly, the whole matter is beyond me, I'm not lesbian, so I can only speak on what I have seen. And for the most part, I have been sadly disappointed. Most of the lesbian ciswomen I have know are real genuine, DTE kinda folk. Really intouch with themselves, and the reality of people. But what I have been made aware of, is the malcontent and almost bigot mindset some lesbian ciswomen have, and quite frankly I find it as narrow, and ignorant as any oppressive male. It stinks of hypocracy, and double-standards, and really, for lack of a better word, sucks! I would LOVE to try this approach tho, only problem is where I live. Absolutely no gay bars at all where I live. My area has, at times, been described as the Deep South of Ontario, sometimes even of Canada, in relation to just how conservative & homophobic it can be (and yet ironically, the people in this city keep reelecting a gay mayor). This leads to problem number two: the entire gay community here is so deep in the closet that it's very difficult to just go somewhere & meet gay singles, lesbian or otherwise. While I have a few lesbian friends, they were & are in monogomous relationships or in serious dating situations, meaning no luck there. I'm not trying to be negative (I know I probably come off like that, especially when I ask for help), I'm just trying to lay out how hard it can be around here. I intend to move to London, ON after I'm done college. It's like the 10th largest urban city in Canada & has a very well-rounded and visible LGBT community, complete with places to socialize in. Not to mention that when I move, I hope to start living full time in my true gender, doing it in a bigger city and finding a more open-minded employer (I'm in college studying to work in law firms as a law clerk, paralegal or legal secretary) who will allow me to fully transition in the workplace will be easier than it would be here. Mostly, I think being in London would be safer. Since I don't think anyone here has every transitioned like I'm planning to do, like everything else gossip-worthy, news will spread about me. It's insane how it can happen when there' about 70,000 people living in the same city, but in the past, I've actually seen rumours spread quite quickly here. A gay girl who wants a sex change to match her gender - probably going to pop up on the radar, especially since I plan to go thru some of the more obvious things while at school and also with a lot of people I used to work with going to the same college as I am. As for Carrie, she was sick, so we made another date for next Saturday, so hopefully I can figure things out by then. I think she really likes me, so hopefully I have that going for me when I come out to her & she sees thru all that physical stuff to see the real me...
Thanks for the article. Yes, I agree some lesbian women are like that, but mostly I'd say those are the older ones: the militant lesbian feminist ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge feminist, but I'm not a militant butch lesbian and those are the ones I tend to find who think that way. As some of my friends have said to me before, some lesbians who are not at least a little bit bi may be less interested in transwomen; but honestly I think it's silly for a lesbian to discredit another woman just because of her genitals or medical history. I mean puhleez! Kiersten- I wish you the best of luck with your girl!
Thanks hon, I'm hoping I can sort this out too. While I really like Carrie & want to date her, I don't want to get into a super-heavy serious relationship while I'm transitioning either. I think it would be easier if things get to be too much for either of us if we don't get too serious now, but I would definitely be really open & happy if she wanted to be together after I'm finished fully transitioning! As for the article, that's just something came across while doing research for my transition (this site has been super helpful for me, for anyone looking for it, you should be able to find it with a little help from Google, I found it thru YouTube for God's sake), so I wasn't sure if that was the prevailing opinion of the lesbian community as a whole or just the mindset of some people. Thanks for letting me know everyone isn't like that, but Jessica Christ I need to move away from where I'm living now, there's just barely anything here, certainly no support for transpeople (although I was pretty happy today to discover that there is indeed a PFLAG chapter in my town & there is a support group I can go to now!). As far as my life goes, I'm pretty used to going it alone thru heavy emotional stuff anyway, so I'm prepared to do it again if I have to. Luckily tho, I came out to my gf's Steph & Cat & they have been HUGELY supportive, so I don't think I'll be all alone this time!
