Privileged, lucky, yet isolated in geographic location

Hello everyone,

Thanks for opening my thread. I hate for my first post to be for seeking support, but I am in dire need of some reflection and refuge. I have read many of the posts here and I felt that the community here would be able to offer some insight, guidance, or haven.

I am a 24-year-old, out-of-the-closet gay male. The majority of my family is supportive and involved in my relationships. My boyfriends that I've had are allowed to come over and meet my mom/siblings. I am also enrolled in a program of higher education (i.e. already have my bachelor's and currently pursuing my Ph.D.). I pay for my own things, earned scholarships to pay for my education and work to pay my bills. I suppose I would say I am a young professional.

I know that on so many levels I am fortunate to have worked hard to be where I am today. I also acknowledge that some of it has probably had to do with luck. I acknowledge that I should count my blessings and I don't pretend to have it worse off than many individuals who'd merely like to be out of the closet. However, there is still one thing that is a constant drain on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I feel so incredibly isolated in my life in many ways. It's like I have everything in my life fulfilled except for one piece of the puzzle - but unfortunately that puzzle piece seems to be a gaping chasm at this point. It's basically a lack of feeling any sort of connectedness to gay men with similar values, goals, or interests as myself.

I know they exist, perhaps even in my area, but it's hard to find them. I live in a moderately sized city in the state of Alabama. I spend 60 hours a week working on requirements to my degree, doing research, seeing clients, and spending what little meager time I have left with my family, and sleeping.

My (heterosexual) classmates all embrace my sexuality and have even taken roles of advocacy as allies in the community for LGBTQ individuals. Despite this, though, I literally have zero interaction with gay individuals almost ever. I know it may seem petty, but even my classmates get to engage in affirming talk with one another just by virtue of coming to work. They have each other as heterosexual co-workers, and though it may not come to their conscious thought, the reality is that just by showing up they are being affirmed as members of each others' sexual orientation. I, too, can speak with them candidly, but it feels like I'm the outsider, and I can understand how other minorities probably feel in similar situations. They have not made me feel isolated at all - this is just something within me that I have felt.

Between the passion that is my schoolwork (I am dearly passionate about it) and the lack of free time this leaves me, this sense of connection is just nonexistant. I have gay friends but they have all moved to urban areas where I honestly envy their community ties. I know that if I were to move to a populated area I could easily find more intellectual, like-minded individuals, but I wish I didn't have to move just to find this. I enjoy my program and need 3-4 more years to even finish. I guess in the end what it boils down to is that I wish that I didn't have to have specific geographic guidelines simply to be able to find individuals with whom I can relate.

I have friends - even best friends - nearby but they are all or mostly heterosexual. I try to say this in a way that doesn't convey judgment (because I don't mean it that way), but many gay men that I have encoutered in my area do not share similar ambitions with me (getting an education, starting a family, pursuing ambitions). When I do manage to wrestle one night of free time away from my studies (or work) to go to a social gathering, I am mostly asked "are you a top or a bottom?", "what's your ####### account name?" (which I don't even know what that is), "why don't you have a boyfriend? You must have an STD" or "wanna come over and drink?" Trust me, I know that every gay male in my area doesn't have these interests, but I fear that if they are like me they are probably also holed-up in their respective departments/interests with just as little free time as me.

This is not about romance or dating. I have not met any that I can see myself sharing a life with. While this is unfortunate, it is not the main source of my distress. I'd love to meet someone but at this point, my work is my passion and I'm ok with the single life. The only guys I seem to attract are in-the-closet professionals who seem to see me as a "guy who has his life together" (their words) - but I can't even start on that topic. This post is about friends and a sense of community and belongingness.

I feel so alone. Please understand that I know I have a ton of good things that I should be grateful for. I AM grateful for those things. But I feel like I have so much more purpose I have in this life and that this is the only thing holding me down. I have already achieved great things but I feel like I don't have the support I need to really do something extraordinary for the betterment of society (the research I do lends itself to such an accomplishment given the dedication). Simply put, I feel that I must sacrifice either my education or location to find gay individuals that I can merely have coffeehouse conversations with or simply watch football with on the weekend. It truly is simple things that I want - just in the right company.

Thank you so much for reading. Any words of wisdom are much appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading and thanks for the response It kinda feels nice just to have a little validation, so I appreciae that.