For those that haven't read my earlier advice posts, over the summer I had this fling with my house mate M's ex, Sparkles. In August we made the decision to remain as close friends because the consequences of staying together would have been too drastic (It was really hurting M and could have potentially ruined my friendship with him). When I got back to uni a few days ago I found out that M slept with a girl, G, around August-time (probably not long after me and Sparkles cooled off). When I found this out, I became really confused. For all this time, he'd been telling us that Sparkles and I couldn't be together, that he couldn't be my friend if we stayed together, that he found it weird, etc - only to sleep with another girl so soon after we broke up? So I felt a bit put out about that. After that I made a massive blunder (This isn't what the advice post is about but I think I should tell you anyway) in that I told Sparkles that M had slept with G. I made a serious error of judgement about her reaction and she ended up far more upset than I anticipated. This is because she had been the one to end her relationship with M; I suppose I didn't really feel she had the right to be upset that M was sleeping with other people. When I questioned her about it, she told me that after she'd cooled things off with me she started to feel really lonely and begged M to take her back. I was hurt by this and asked her whether I'd meant anything to her at all, and she said it did mean something to her, but M as her first and it really hurt her to hear of him sleeping with someone else. M called me out on this blunder and I accepted responsibility - shortly after, we made up (which I thank God for; I know I got really lucky here). I made the decision that I wanted to put everything in the past and leave it there, and stay uninvolved from here onwards. However, there is something I am still struggling with. For some reason, I can't stand to see M and G together, that close. It really, really bothers me. Even though I know I have no power here especially now that I've chosen to move on, the sight of them makes me feel really really crap. The troubling thing is, I have no idea why. I figure it's something to do with the whole thing with J, and also my massive mistake in the last paragraph, but that only feels like a small part of it. So I was wondering if, from an outsider's perspective, there was something I was missing that might be making me feel this way? Any help would be greatly appreciated as I need to sort out these feelings before I can fully move on from this. Thanks guys.
I think it's just a case of you seeing two people you really care about being close with each other, while at the same time, you're on the outside, looking in at them being close. I know that when you & Sparkles decided to cool off, it was a hard decision on you, I do, so I can certainly understand how you would feel like crap seeing her with back with M, whether its in a relationship context or just a really close friend context. It probably seems & feels like she sort of took a break from M to be with you & then decided to resume things. It may be that she feels things too, & being back with M is sort of her way of running back to a safe, familiar place for her. Doesn't make it any easier for you, but it certainly doesn't sound like either of them is intentionally trying to hurt you. IDK if this is something you feel you can talk with both of them about, but have you considered speaking with both of them, together at the same time, about how you feel? Perhaps just trying to be honest with them both about how you feel may help to get everyone talking again & get everyone's feelings out in the open. It may be difficult, & I'm sure it will probably be uncomfortable as well, the conversation may even get a little heated, but hopefully you can all resolve everything. It really comes down to how comfortable you are with talking about how you feel with both of them. Hope this helps...
Kiersten, I think you misunderstood, it's not Sparkles that got with M, it was a different girl (the one he slept with not long after me and Sparkles cooled it off), and it's those two that I can't stand to see together, and I don't get it. :S Sorry, that was a typo, by 'J' I meant 'Sparkles' that's just the initial of her real name.
Oh sorry, that's totally my fault & I'm pretty sleepy, but still, no excuse for me to have messed that up. Sorry. Still, have you considered talking with M about things? Sometimes just saying out loud how you feel to someone who you care about & who cares about you can help...
M actually asked me if I was okay with him and G, and I lied and said it was fine. I really don't want to screw things up further by voicing that I'm not okay about this, especially since (as I mentioned) I now have no power over the situation, having chosen to back off from everything. Originally I said I was 'admittedly confused' but when he asked me why my mind drew a blank and I ended up inventing a lame excuse. This is what I find troubling. I thought I would have had a good reason, but I don't. I am now making myself feel better by watching my guilty pleasure on youtube, Cher Lloyd.
