So, I was disowned at 18. I'm 22 years old now. Its been a good while and contact with family has been severed. Hate to say it this way, but my family are all religious zealots and when I was disovered let's just say my whole life turned around. I haven't done any drugs before, I did drink some alcohol (Not a drinker nor like it, just peer-pressure). But after everything I've been through since then, I don't want to give them the satisfaction of their own words, "I'll never be successful if I'm gay. or succeed in life... (yeah, the managed to make that work well so far for kicking me out) I was homeschooled for most of my life so when I was disowned, I literally had no friends or family to turn to, except this guy (8 years older than me) I met on Youtube who was local, unfortunately, he was only looking for sex and at the time, I was really looking for someone would care for me. (I moved in with a lesbian girl and her girlfriend from the restaurant I worked at but I was still emotionally hurt from losing basically everything and everyone). I felt so alone for so long and most people that I knew at the time (gays) only wanted sex from me which only made me feel more empty and like a party favor and not a person. Moving to LA I thought I would maybe move on and find new people in my life but with this economy and times, finding a job and stable living was and still is difficult. Life took crazy turns and most people that I knew I only knew for about 3-6 months before they stopped being involved in my life. I became homeless living in a car for a few months and the on the streets after I decided to not compromise my health (survival sex) Fortunately now, at 22, my life has taken many steps to moving forward, living with an elderly man who is helping me out (No sex) and if anything is happy that someone is in his life (almost like a family). I have 2 jobs now and am trying all that I can to get financially back on track. I guess my question or advice, I'm trying to move on from everything that happened. I know its been 4 years since my family, its been almost a year since I've been on the street homeless and now I'm starting my first relationship. But I'm afraid of a lot of things still. When he's not around I get extremely lonely. He knows some of what I've been through, but I am afraid of telling him too much for fear he'll think less of me or just the craziness of what happened over 4 years. My life literally changed. I notice he likes his space a lot and I'm dying for attention. I fear my neediness (I'm not needy like I need help) I just want to be as close as I possibly can. I don't want to lose anyone in my life anymore and if I start a relationship with someone I trully care about, I don't want to feel like I'm alone. (I almost feel like I'm more alone with him than I ever was before I dated). =( I really like him and he's a good guy, monogamous, sane, drug and alcohol free, everything I find attractive. Dating him, as made me work 3 jobs to keep myself busy so I won't be so needy, but I manage to make enough time for him, but he doesn't make time for me or I feel like its a chore for him. I don't think I'm needy, I'm geniunely trying to feel a void that has been void for a very long time. I want to start a family and be a family with someone again. The old guy I stay with is nice but he's slightly senile and I can't be entirely open with him as he's not all there and he doesn't know how to keep the things I share private (He likes to tell everyone he knows). I don't know. I don't know if I need advice I'm just writing to get my thoughts out there to through. My boyfriend (24) says to think happy thoughts, positive energy will bring more positive energy but so many scary situations happened in my life that even not hearing from him all day worries me that I've pushed him away. I only want the best for my boyfriend, and think so much of him and want him to be happy. We've been together for 5 months now. He's shown me really great things and really does make me happy when I'm with him. He says my neediness is a problem though. I can't help it though. But the problem is bigger. I guess the test of my love or strength of it is that he's also not out. His family doesn't know about him and so living a double life, he only has time for when he doesn't have to be "in the closet" and it sometimes makes me fear that he might just end it with me cause of his hiding. Although he always reassures me that he'll never leave me and that when he comes out, its his family's choice whether they want to be involved with his life or not. I remember too vividly what it was like to lose my family and want to be there for him no matter what the outcome, But he's very close to his family and I'm afraid I'll be placed on the back burner while he continues to live in the closet for them. I understand that he prolly needs to have it this way now. But, I guess I'm too eager to be a couple with someone and he's not ready. School will definitely be an option once I'm 25, CA rules I'm not considered independent until then, even if I've been on my own for this long time. I still don't know what I'd want to go for in college. Again, just writing my thoughts down.
You'll move on when your ready, this is a lot bad shit you've had to deal with. Look at where you were and how far you've come, and know that you'll go farther. You have every right to angry and your family, they shut you off from the world then when they saw you didn't fit into their cookie cutter view on things they kicked ou out into it. I also think you need to recognise what a strong person you, as you said you DIDN'T turn to drug to escape your problems you faced them head on, if that isn't success that I don't know what is. As for college, well thats up to you, you could take all your academics before deciding a major, that's take a year in itself.
Gosh, man, you really have been through a lot and like malachite said, you are very strong and have a will to keep going and survive. I'm so sorry your "family" treated you so badly. That's so very un-Christian it disgusts me. I hope you can keep your strength and your spirit never breaks. I can see how you don't want to lose your bf, but on the other hand, it doesn't seem like a compatible relationship. You need someone who can share more of his time with you (unless you really are being too needy/possesive, but I'm not saying you are). Maybe you can find some more friends in the community to spend time with. Maybe you'll meet another guy who is more compatible with you and your current relationship will fade away since he doesn't have the time that you need. Another thought is maybe some counseling might do you good. Maybe it would help reduce your fear of losing people in your life. I dunno, I could be way off on that. How about volunteering in a GLBT group? Find what you enjoy doing and what you're good at and then find out what education you need to get a job in that field. College is not always needed for a good career. One of my brothers is a carpenter. He started out as a laborer for a company. He enjoyed it and worked his ass off and they valued his dedication so they put him through an apprentice program with night tech school classes while working and he didn't have to pay for that. Anyway, keep working hard, be fiscally conservative, stay strong, and take care. (*hug*)
Hi, and welcome to EC. First, you've done extraordinarly well for yourself considering what your family did. As I'm sure you know, an awful lot of guys in your situation turn to sex work and drugs as a coping mechanism, and the fact you haven't done this and have managed to make things work on your own is really commendable, and shows you have incredible resilience. As for your relationship with your BF, I think a lot will depend on where he is and how willing he is to change. Of course, it's never a great idea to go into a relationship assuming the other person will change, but given that you're already in it, you're in a little different situation. I think it's entirely possible that the reason for his aloofness is simply because he's closeted; living a dual life, it's nearly impossible for him to love himself, or to really commit to loving you. But... if he's close to being ready to start coming out, then sticking with it for a while and supporting him in that process could help him and, in turn, really help your relationship. Part of the reason I suggest giving the relationship a bit more effort is that he sounds like a really good guy in every other respect and people like that are not so easy to find in LA. Also, given what you've been through, it's completely understandable that you feel needy and have an unusually strong desire for connection and friends; it's pretty appalling that while homeschooling you, your parents didn't help you cultivate friends, as that's an issue that homeschooler parents were dealing with 20 years ago and it's widely known that homeschooled kids need extra opportunities to create and develop meaningful friendships. The first thought I have is that you most definitely need therapy. Homeschooling without friendships in childhood has likely left you without some of the normal socialization and emotional skills that many others have, and therapy will help to correct that. Additionally, the neediness and the residual anger and abandonment you feel from your family's actions are, as well, something you need to work through and process, and the best way to do that is with therapy. In California in particular, there are a lot of options for low-cost or free therapy because of the way the licensure laws work, so if you check around, you should be able to find someone to work with you for $10 or $20 per session or even less; PM me if you need some resources for that. I know that might be a scary thought, especially given that you've had to be so self-reliant, but it's something that will help you immeasurably. Finally, I am near certain that there is a way to have the California college system declare you independent from your parents before age 25; my friend had to do this at age 20, because his parents simply didn't support him at all, and he wanted to go to college. For him, it just involved signing some forms and, I think, getting his therapist and one other person to write a short letter explaining the situation. If you need help with that, let me know and I can find some more information for you. You might also want to message our staff social worker, BlairSW. Like you, his parents threw him out when he was 16, he spent his last several years of high school in a group home, and has been completely independent since then... but he went to school and recently finished his masters degree, without a lick of help from his parents. And I know we have quite a few other members here with similar situations that might serve as some inspiration for you as to what's possible. As others have said, you are taking some great steps for yourself, one of which is joining EC and asking for support from the community here So I hope you stick around and continue to involve yourself here. In any case, you have my admiration for handling what life has thrown at you as well as you have.
