I'll try to keep this short, but it is complicated. So I've never dated a guy before, only admitted to myself a year ago that I'm gay, and six months ago I worked up the courage to ask a guy out that I met online. He's had a decade of experience with guys ( same age as me though ) and I told him I was new to guys and he seemed cool with it. This started as a long distance thing, I decided to introduce myself to him before I moved to his city to get the ball rolling on something, probably a bad idea. Anyway, I've been talking with him for about six months, and living in the same city as him for about a month and a half. Since I started talking though, we've only met four times. Each time we've met its been great, I really liked him the first time, and thought I was lucky to meet such a cool guy that I can really relate to. However we talk a lot online and he can be pretty volatile. At least three times he's told me he's not interested in meeting me again, we talk about it, and twenty minutes later he changes his tune and wants to meet. He's also bailed on me so many times, as many times as we've met, and I can't take it any more. I've come close to ending it so many times only to remember how much I like him in person and decide to give it another shot. I've always assumed that flaky people have some sort of serious baggage and he is no exception. At 16 he was kicked out of the house and went to live with a guy that was ten years older and just wanted to use him. And most recently after a bit of an argument online he's told me that his previous boyfriend was emotionally abusive. And despite this, after they broke up, he still tried to get back together with him only to be hurt more and required counselling. At the end of this conversation he apologised and then said we could hang out friday night. Surprise surprise, he wouldn't answer his phone when the night came and I haven't heard since from him. When I hear this it starts to make sense why he behaves in such a dysfunctional way. He's had so many bad experiences with guys and it affects the way he treats me. I don't blame him for it, but I can't handle it either. I'm wondering what others have done in the past. Most would agree that I should just ignore the guy, we've only met four times and never done anything physical. But has anyone stuck this sort of thing out and had a positive outcome? I'm not the one to give silent treatment, but I've decided I'm not talking online to him anymore. However I would hate for it to be just problems of his past that prevent any sort of future with him.
This may sound mean, but it's probably in your best interest to break off things for now. You can remain friends, but from what I see he's quite unstable and won't necessarily deliver you a stable relationship.
Could you really live with this for any length of time? Now it seems you're willing to forgive in the hopes that things will work out, but what if it never does and you do get together? Usually in a budding relationship each person is putting their best forward in hopes of attracting the other person. I can't see how this is a positive relationship or friendship for you. You're worth more than putting up with someone who makes plans with you and then bails and never calls. There will be other guys that will treat you with respect. Don't settle for someone just because it's your first time with a guy and you're attracted to him. If someone says they don't want to be with you, take it for what it is and move on. It is hard, no doubt about it, but it can be done. Good luck to you.
I don't know how to give advice on this because I've never been in that situation but I'll tell you how I'd handle it if I was in your shoes. I know it will sound crude, but it's the best example I can think of. Imagine a puppy, each time it goes out for a walk he shies away from people. He'll hide behind your leg or try to run away whenever somebody approaches him. What you do to fix this is each time somebody comes near him offer the puppy a treat. This way he will associate people with rewards and the enjoyment of getting that treat instead of the fear or anxiety he previously had. The principle doesn't change much with your friend. Every time he goes out with you make sure it's an enjoyable time. Keep reminding him that you will be there and comfort him. That means frequent contact; everything from hugs, to holding hands, and even letting your arms touch in the movie theater. Let him know that you aren't there to judge him. When you do go out fill your time with fun things like movies, dinner, and fairest wheel rides. Eventually with enough positive reinforcement he will think of you as somebody he can depend on, he'll enjoy spending time with you and relish each moment. Whatever you do, don't give up on him. What he doesn't need right now is another failed relationship. I know it sounds hard, and that it will take effort but that's what love is. A bond forged in sweat and tears. It will take time but if you work at it he will turn around. You'll notice him skipping less dates, and calling more, even showing more affection. He's been wounded by past relationships, and from what I've read it sounds like he doesn't have much in the way of family and friends to lean on. He really needs somebody there for him. Take this with a grain of salt, but it's what I would do.
That sucks this guy is being so unstable. What reason does he give for not wanting to see you again? You sound like a reasonable guy so I'd think he would like to hang out with someone nice. I would remain cordial if he contacts you, but I'd stop asking to do stuff anymore since he just dissapoints you. You've made the first steps in finding a guy to date so I hope the next time is easier and you can meet some good guys in your new city. There are good guys out there. Good luck
Yeah, it's interesting to read the contrasting opinions of Kawi1100 and Fugs. I find myself going between these two lines of thought. When he's said he doesn't want to see me again, I've sometimes felt a bit of relief that this mess is over. But then, I'm happy when he changes his mind. I think I've stuck with him because I've often felt like I can be the bigger man in this. I've been trying to support him by saying even at the worst of times, that I liked him in person and thought he was a great guy. The sad thing is though I've never heard it in return. It just feels like games, and people that play games have issues. This just isn't normal behavior. I once tried the cordial just be friendly approach. I told him it was a bad time for me to start dating ( referring to me being in another city at the time ) and his response was that he had had enough crap and said good luck. I thought it was over, only for him to start talking to me two weeks later. I worry I may become dysfunctional as well wanting him back despite the times he bails on me. Part of me just wants to suggest he get some more counselling, but I don't think he'll react well to it.
I'm somewhat on the same side as Fugs, with the added caveat that I don't think trying to help him out with his issues AND dating him is going to work out at the same time. On the one hand, I do get the impression that his behaviour is explainable (even though it isn't defensible). Over the years, he's built up all those hot buttons and triggers, and everytime someone comes near tripping them, his mind goes "I will not be hurt like that ever again!", and he bails. Leading, in most cases, to a self-fulfilling prophecy where people abandon him because of his behaviour, but which he interprets as proof that he was wrong to open up to other people in the first place. So (in addition to therapy), having a good friend who is there even if he messes up could teach him that not all people are assholes, and that it sometimes does pay to show your "weaker" side. But... I don't think you can or should do that if you are too emotionally involved and focused on getting into a relationship with him. You'd end up scarred yourself. And even if he will eventually get better (with therapy, and some supportive friends on the sidelines), it will probably take months if not years. You don't want to be inside this kind of rollercoaster for months or years. Also, if you have the ulterior motive of "I'll fix him, and then we'll be happy ever after", then you risk being focused more on your own needs, rather than making sure he really gets better. for starters, it would lead you to give the advice he wants, instead of the one he needs (like: "you might need more therapy") for fear of losing the connection. So that leaves the question: can you be a friend and person he can talk to, and nothing more? If so, then it might be best to call off all pretense of dating, live with the fact that telling him this will cause him to break off contact for a while, and then being there if he would get into contact again. If not (and no one would blame you for that), I do think it's best to look out for yourself in this case, and decicively but courteously cut off contact. both options are perfectly valid, and at least they have the added benefit of being open instead of playing games like "I'm not talking to you anymore".
Hmm, I'm surprised there there aren't more people suggesting I just ditch him. Then again I'm surprised I haven't, and I'm not sure why I hang on to this guy. As to what you're saying Filip, I would be cool with being his friend, and just that, but even friendship is really hard when dealing with someone like this. The perspective you and the others give is making sense though. I think it is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've gotten the impression nearly from the beginning that he's been trying to sabotage himself. He doesn't seem to respect me or even be that interested in me, yet he is the one that initiates most conversations. The times he bails on me are usually when he is the one that invites me to do something. If I tell him I'm busy, he'll try to persuade me to cancel existing plans and then get angry when I can't. The first time I told him I was busy, he started talking about how he feels ugly and said he didn't want to see me again. He definitely has his triggers... I'm not one to give silent treatment, since I've been on the receiving end of others who have permanently cut off contact and it doesn't feel good. But I don't know what this leaves me with. Tell him it's not going to work out and best to go our separate ways? Or tell him I feel his negative experiences of the past are causing problems for him in the present? Or just put up with it and see if he changes on his own when he learns to trust me? It's not easy to bring up with someone that's volatile like this. Can you even sugar coat this?
