I was raised in a Christian home and like so many in that life learned that premarital sex was a sin and homosexuals were deviants. My mother was uncomfortable when a home school alliance wanted to accept a gay couple. As a teenager I was boy crazy. It was almost a caricature of a teenage girl than a realistic attraction. Like a character on a sitcom. I joined the military and saw the wide world. I put my eternal soul at risk and engaged in premarital sex and eventually married a man. At the same time I met my soon to be ex husband I also met the woman who eventually joined our relationship. I had many erotic dreams about her. We both often admired women. There are dozens of other signs as well but that is not what I am posting about. many ups and downs later this woman joined our marriage and I thought everything would be so much better. The problem is that we were in a relationship with a narcissist. He systematically emotionally abused us for 6 years. He even got us moved around to abusing ourselves and each other for him. Now after 12 years of marriage Mrs. Medea and I are walking away from him and starting a new life. we have worked hard and we have overcome years of pain and fighting g and we are so good. my family knows about Mrs medea and there is no real need for a second "coming out" of the closet. But all of this has caused me to realize that all of the strange struggles I had with men had more to do with orientation than my history of sexual abuse, (can I get more cliche?) and now I am processing my orientation. it hurts. I don't know why but it hurts. I am comfortable being attracted to women. I processed that when I accepted the idea of being Bi. But now I am on a different path. I am examining every hetero sexual relationship I have had. I realized that the level of attraction and kind of attraction was an overcompensation. I was drawn to effeminate men, at least physically. I liked slim built men and there was always weirdness in bed. I always assumed I had old issues from abuse. 12 years in an abusive relationship where I was unable to process who I was stagnated the realization I would have come to naturally. So here I am in my 30s getting to figure my life out. I don't know what I'm looking for. MAybe some reassurance that I am not totally crazy or wrong for feeling a little lost and hurt. I dint know why it hurts. Maybe if I could figure that out I could unpack it and start to heal. :help:
I think ur so amasing Welcome To EC hunny Make ur self at home The name is Mercy and id really love to be ur first EC friend I would
thank you mercy. I could use all the friends I can get. Mrs. Medea is totally supportive. But she is processing a lot too. And while she is willing to listen I don't think she is going to be able to listen to all the talking I need to do.
Unfortunately, I am just a young boy with no useful advice, but I am sure that there are other people here who will have them. In the mean time, all I can offer is this (*hug*) Ah, and welcome to EC, too =D
Welcome to EC!! I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to you. I am glad to hear that you got out of that relationship!! People figure out things at their own times. There is nothing to be ashamed of about coming out later in life. I know what it's like to try to overcompensate, I have gone through that stage too.
Hi there and welcome to EC. I also took longer than the average person to figure out I was gay. I married a woman, but I'm thankful that we actually had a very good relationship - and continue to have a good relationship even now that we're divorced. Perhaps that's because all of the 'angst' that I had about myself and my orientation I burried and instead masked everything I was feeling with an addiction. So I've had that to overcome, as well as dealing with my orientation and my marriage ending. But things do get better. They really do. Give yourself permission to feel crappy some times. And get the help that you need. Talking here to people will certainly help - it did for me. But I also had a therapist who I credit with saving my life. Having a professional to talk to is invaluable. I wish you all the best, and hope that finding EC will be part of your healing process.
so much welcoming energy. I found the right place for sure. Mrs. Medea and I are moving soon and when we get settled we want to go to therapy to unpack the years of abuse we have suffered at the hands of Mr. Medea. I really found the right place. Thank you.
