Straight Best Friend Issue

I empathize. This is the story of my life. I feel in love with my straight best friend, and that is what made me come to terms with being gay. Definitely makes this awkward on my end. I don’t want to take advantage of his physical affection toward me. This comes up a lot on the site, and everyone has the same advice, “get over it.” But this is definitely easier said than done. I asked this very question about operationalizing this and I didn’t get any easy advice. One of the EC adviser gave me this heart breaking advice:

Sorry to be Debbie downer. This sucks pretty hardcore.

On the more positive side, you are probably way more sensitive to how you act around him than he is. I am trying to think of a way to broach this with him without you actually having to tell him your feelings. I am a bit skeptical of this approach because it might further complicate your relationship, at least in your mind, without actually resolving the problem. Furthermore, from your status I gather that he is the only one that knows so, it is important that you feel as comfortable as possible with him. I'll let you know if I come up with anything.

 

I'm in your situation. Distance does help, texting and stuff but I you're really close then the only option is to expand the pool in which you attention is focused on. Meet new people, Do new things without your Friend. Grab a job, get your co-worker group going. Join a new hobby without him. Meet new people and your chances of running into someone you like other than your friend will cut that type of obsession you have on him in half. With the more people you meet, that half in now fourths and that fourths is now diamonds.

Fair warning though: When this does happen you'll notice things about your buddy you really don't like. If you can get to that stage then your on the way of being freed from this problem.

 

I WAS in your situation. To make matters worse, I thought he was gay, and this led to me putting my foot in my mouth at several instances. Anyways, he's not, and, surprisingly, it didn't lead to friction between us (people have thought he was gay before, go figure); we're still really close friends. While it's certainly true you should make distance if this revelation makes either of you uncomfortable, if it doesn't, try your best to get past it with things as they are. Maybe find a gay/bi/pan/'non straight' guy for the crush to 'transfer' to- it's what happened to me (albeit unintentionally)!

 

There's nothing wrong with how you feel, as far as I can tell. I fell in love with a good friend who I was pretty sure was straight, and it really helped to tell him. We're still great friends, and the love-affection mellowed out over time since I knew I couldn't have him and it would be pointless to keep pining for him.

If you think he'll take it well, just tell him how you feel, but that you're not wanting anything to change. Something along the lines of "I have to say, I like you a lot, and you deserve to know that because of how close we are as friends. I don't want our friendship to change because of this, I don't want anything from you, and I'm just needing to get this off of my chest so that I'm no longer feeling horribly guilty about you not knowing." If he's a good friend, he'll understand, and it likely won't change anything for him. For you though, it'll help that it's out in the open, and it'll help you get over it.

If you don't feel you can tell him, then space and misdirection is pretty much the only thing I can think of. Distancing yourself from friends sucks, but it's really helpful in the long run to ensure that emotions you'd prefer not be there aren't there. Misdirecting that "in love" energy to someone who can actually return it will also help (or just finding a different crush, and making an effort to focus on him more than your best friend).

Good luck, regardless. It's an interesting thing, falling in love, and I wish you the best in this situation.

 

If I can probe a little, you have mentioned several times about how you can't look him in the face, but why is this? I think being more specific than just, "I have feelings for him I don't want" will help you figure out what to say to him by allowing you to articulate what is so uncomfortable.

 

This has been a recurring theme on EC the last few months; it seems to be something many of us struggle with. I'm in the same boat with you, LookingGlass.

My own depression sank to new levels a few months ago when my best friend/crush came to visit me (we usually live far apart). For several days, we spent nearly every waking minute together, hanging out and having great conversations. On the one hand, those few days were blissful...being in the company of the person you love is always a wonderful thing. But at the same time, I was feeling a mixture of sadness and guilt, too. I knew it couldn't last, both in the immediate sense (he was only in town less than a week) or long-term sense (he is straight as an arrow). I couldn't help envisioning our being more than just friends, but I grew frustrated and angry with myself for building up false hope.

Obviously nobody wants to lose their best friend, and nobody prefers to live with secrets. Thus the dilemma: you want to be honest and genuine with your friends (your best friend most of all), but at the same time you don't want to risk jeopardizing the friendship, and possibly losing it, because your friend/crush feels awkward after the confession. I'm still in the closet at the moment, but plan to start having "the conversation" and writing letters to my closest family members and friends in the coming weeks (yikes)! One of these letters is to my best friend/crush. I'm still debating over how to phrase things, whether to go with full disclosure and reveal my true feelings, or to leave that part out (I'm leaning toward option B, at least for the time being).

On the bright side, I've made some decent progress about this doomed crush lately. Initially, I was skeptical about peoples' advice that time and distance would help. It sounded too cliche, trite, and simplistic to solve something as complex and emotional as a broken heart. But to my surprise, it has worked...somewhat. In the weeks following my friend's visit, I was mired in deep depression. Nothing could make me smile, even the things that I usually enjoy. I was consumed by sadness that the one thing I wanted most badly could and would never happen. But gradually, I stopped wallowing in my misery. I started thinking about other things, began to smile and laugh, and began to envision my future with someone who could return my romantic affections. Are there days when I still feel wistful and gloomy? Of course. I've always said unrequited love is the most painful experience aside from the death of a loved one. So of course you don't recover from it overnight.

Since I'm not out yet, I obviously haven't tried this, but one thing that might help is discussing your feelings with a different friend, just to get those emotions off your chest (make sure they are LGBT friendly). This might be impossible right now, since your crush is the only person you've told! But as your "inner circle" broadens, maybe give it a try. Talking openly might diffuse the tension you've been keeping to yourself. Problems always seem magnified when you're struggling through them alone. If you're afraid of this other friend spilling your secret, talk to someone who is from a different social circle than your crush, to put your mind at ease.

That's about all I can say. Time and distance are indeed helpful...I understand how hollow and frustrating that sounds, because waiting for your feelings to subside seems like a very passive process. But try your best to make it less passive. For example, fill your time with hobbies you enjoy and people you enjoy; the more you're alone the more likely you are to engage in self-pity. And like I said above, make yourself vulnerable and tell another friend about your struggle.

Listening to and playing music is something that helps me process and vent my emotions. Adele's song "Someone Like You" is one that's been on my mind a lot lately. It sums up what I've been feeling to a tee (except that I never had a romantic relationship with my friend). I want him to know how I feel, but am reluctant to come out and say it, because of the potential consequences. I am genuinely happy for him and his steady girlfriend and 'wish nothing but the best' for them, but can't shake the jealousy that occasionally surfaces. I can't help it. But I must move on and find someone else. It's my imperative and my responsibility if I'm to avoid being depressed in the future.

Hope that helps...if only a little. (*hug*)