Emotional Rollercoaster

I don't know if anyone can give me any advice on this, but I just need to get it off my chest since I'm on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment.

I've had a crush on a particular girl for over a year now. She was friends of friends, and people told me she was gay. So, because I thought she was cute and I knew we had the same interests, I developed a crush on her from afar. At first it was nothing major. But over time I just became more and more enamored by her. Yeah, it's kind of strange to have a crush on someone you haven't officially met yet. Anyway, I finally introduced myself for the first time a few weeks ago, just before leaving town for 3 weeks. I added her on FB bfore I left. She invited me to a party at her place right after I added her on FB, but I couldn't go since I was leaving. I was so bummed! I was flattered that she invited me though, and spent the 3 weeks wondering what it all meant.

Anyway, upon returning home a mutual friend of ours apparently decided (much to my delight) that she wanted to hang out with me a lot more, and started inviting me to do stuff and my crush was there. This all happened in the past 3 days pretty much. I have been mentally whirling because I always thought it was kind of a pipe dream that I'd be able to get to know my crush because I'm too shy to just bypass everything and directly approach her. I figured I'd have to just make friends with her friends, and I have been steadily trying to improve my relationships and friendships with people that might give me a chance to meet her.

ANYWAY, the fact is I'm in shock of my good fortune...I can't believe I've been able to hang out with her in a group setting for the past three days. However, I'm also dying because I just feel so precarious...I'm totally smitten by her and so I really have a hard time acting normal. I'm overanalyzing everything I say and do, and I am getting so down on myself because I feel like I"m acting 'boring' or that she's just going to think I'm not a fun person, or that she'll think I don't like her because I'm not talking to her enough. I think back to what I said, and think of a 1000 ways I could have done it better. It's driving me nuts! Actually today was good, I talked to her more, and she talked to me for a bit. I think the conversation in the whole group was about even. They were all really tired from a long night out, so they weren't super energetic. I made a point to smile and try to be as friendly as I could when I did talk with her. But nothing really in depth, just basically small talk. I'm in that weird place where you're just becoming friends with someone you're smitten with, and you feel like you have to really impress them. And it's stressing me out so much that I literally am losing my appetite haha.

I don't even know what I'm trying to ask here. I guess...how can I just relax and not go home at the end of the day and feel ill because I failed to "impress" her, or initiate a long conversation? I didn't act like an imbecile, or even that shy, but it's those awkward moments where you just wish you could say something, anything, but your coherent thoughts have left the building and you're left standing next to them thinking that you really wish you could think of something cool to say. I am having a helluva time letting my true self show through. It's hard when your crush isn't the most talkative person. I guess I feel that if I like her the onus is on me to befriend her. I'm not a shy person. I can be at times, but usually I'm comfortable making new friends. EXCEPT when I have a massive crush on the person :dry::dry:.

I did invite them to a concert today and new friend, crush, and other new friend came. So I did my job and reciprocated all the invitations to hang out with them. And they were excited about coming, sooo, I guess that's good. They wanted to hang out.

Also, I'm in the closet. I know she is gay. She may or may not suspect I am. I don't think I look too gay, I have long hair, but I'm fairly fit and muscular and I know I always suspect muscular girls are gay. (I'm not bragging, it's just how I am) But she's the reason I've got my hand on the closet door handle so to speak. I want to come out to some close friends so I can get the scary part over with, and maybe see that the world won't end if I come out. I am doing it because of her.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Any thoughts at all on how I can NOT be a basket case? I feel so weird...why am I so emotional over this? Maybe it's because it's the first gay, available person I've had a crush on, and being 27 years old and never being in a meaningful relationship I've just got a lot built up inside.

Thanks for reading.

 

Thanks for reading and for the reply, I appreciate it. I wrote that when I was a bit more emotional last night. But the feelings are still the same. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I've become so much more confident over the past 10 years, but nothing makes me as insecure as facing a crush.

You said look into her eyes. Can I just say she has the most beautiful eyes? I was saying something and we locked eyes for a second. Her eyes caught the light. Whoa. Most beautiful hazel green. Almost yellow. And I felt like we held the gaze for just a split second longer than normal....or time slowed down for me haha. I mean, i think I was saying something along the lines of "she's on the phone" when it happened. So poignant haha.