Overwhelming emotions

First off, welcome.

I can certainly understand where you're coming from when you talk about struggling with accepting that your gay. Reading your post reminded me a lot of myself - I thought along such similar mindsets. Why am I cursed with this? Why do I have to be different? Why can't I be straight like all my friends and family? Why me?

Eventually I just came to accept that being gay isn't a curse. I looked around in my life and found examples of gay people living happy and healthy lives. I realized that I could have that too. So my version of love and happiness probably doesn't include a girl. So what? That doesn't mean it's less meaningful.

I don't want to be harsh, but I feel the need to point out some things you said that I disagree with. You said you don't want to be part of the "gay community" and that you don't want to hang out with "hairdressers and effeminate people." Maybe that's all you've seen on TV or movies, but I've got news for you: not all gay people are like that. I like guys and I'm not a hairdresser, nor do I aspire to be one. And I'm not effeminate in any way. Your sexual orientation is just one factor of you - being gay doesn't mean you have to love Broadway, shopping, and fashion. I'm gay and I love action movies, sports, and get bored shopping. I'm not trying to stereotype; I'm just trying to say that being a gay man doesn't mean you have to be effeminate.

Anyways, being gay is not a curse, disease, or nightmare. It's only those things if you make it that way. Why is being gay so bad? Because you can't have children? Times are a changin', and there's plenty of ways to circumvent that - adoption being the most obvious choice. Believe me, I used to fight that battle over and over in my head - being gay vs having a family. But that argument just doesn't work - it's like comparing apples and oranges. Plus, if I did have family, would I want it all to be based on lies and feelings I didn't really have?

You sound like you're in a pretty dark place right now. There's a lot of good people here on EC who will lend a helping hand. May I also suggest sending a PM to one of the advisors? They're all really good and well, they're advisors, that's what they're good at, advising and such.

Good luck.

~Alex

 

Hey,

Welcome to EC, I wish my greeting could come to you at a better time. It would be no understatement if I told you what you were going through is damn hard.

I feel for you. From the depths of my heart, I can say that I feel for you. But you can't give up. Your therapist is right, you need to start accepting you for who you are.

Don't seek acceptance in others, don't accept the counsel of your faulters, but accept yourself for who you are. It may be hard but at times we can get lost in the storm when all we need to do is see the silver lining.

Look all over this board, I encourage you to seek the stories of others, it isn't all drag-queens and straight-heartbreaks. The dimensions you look upon the gay community are hindered by masks of a cultural fear you have to break.

You don't have to suffer. You are not alone, and I promise you, if you give yourself a chance, give this site a chance, and search hard enough in yourself---acceptance and happiness will come to you a plenty.

It's a Walrus's promise.

 

Well, look at it from another side: there's lots of things that describe you. You're gay, yes, but you're also (like you start your post with) a medicine student, an Australian, of Indian descent... those are all qualifiers, but none of thise really defines you.

I suppose that beng an Indian never forced you to lead an "Indian lifestyle" away from non-Indians. I'm pretty sure that being a med student never forced you to lead a "med lifestyle" and snub the friends who decided to go for a different vocation in life. I'm supposing that being an Australian doesn't mean you're loked there forever, unable to ever go abroad.

So why would being gay be any different? Yeah, you might not get to check out hot girls with your friends, but all those other things you enjoy doing? All that carefree hanging out? You can still do that! Just like you don't take your friends to classes, you might not take them on dates, but guess what, neither do they take you on their straight dates! And even so, who you date and who you hang out with can easily be different things.

Before i came out, I spent my time hanging out with friends from highschool, doing Judo, going to the same (straight) bar every weekend, playing computer games and pretending to notice girls.
After I came out... I still do all that, except that my friends now point out the cute guys instead I'm not really part of any gay community (apart from EC) and I'm mostly content to live the life I always had. And so far no gay police has come knowcking at my door to take me away

So: being gay is only as big a deal as you make it. Yes, it means you'll need to have different dating strategies (but remember: straight guys don't get any girl they want either!), but in no way does it stop you from having a pretty awesome life!

And finally: you already found other gay people. You're talking to us, right now, right? So far I trust we didn't change your lifestyle too much

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC.

You're feeling pretty much the way many of us felt as we were coming to terms with our orientation. And when your therapist and the rest of us tell you that you need to accept it, we're just trying to hurry you to the place where you'll start to feel better about yourself and your situation.

Because the fact of the matter is - you're gay. Being angry, jealous, resentful, depressed - none of those things will change the fact that you're gay. They just make you gay and angry/jealous/resentful/depressed. And the reality is that you're more likely to find someone and have them fall in love with you if you're instead gay and happy/caring/generous/kind.

The challenge is - how to get there from here.

Time. Cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to feel these emotions - for a while. They are legitimate, because they are yours. But don't wallow in them, because these negative emotions don't really do you or anyone around you any good.

Keep working with your therapist. I credit mine with saving my life, because like you, I didn't see the point in carrying on at times. Talk about and reflect on why you feel the way you do. What preconceived notions do you have about gay people that leave you feeling this way, and how can you change those? Having an unbiased professional to talk to like that is really important.

Hang out here! The people here in EC are pretty awesome. I saw that as soon as I joined. They led ordinary lives and had ordinary problems and they were overcoming them and they were happy. And it helped me - because if the people here were awesome and gay at the same time, I could be awesome too despite being gay.

Live your life. Try not to let this aspect of your life eclipse all other aspects of your life. You have a very promising career ahead of you in medicine, and that will be hindered in NO WAY by the fact that you're gay. Hang out with your friends, because they enjoy your company and you enjoy theirs. Presumably you like to play darts or cards or whatever together - so keep doing that. You love your mom and dad, and they obviously love you, so spend time with them and appreciate their company. But don't make your visits a big 'pity party' over the fact that you're gay. Firstly - because it really isn't that big a deal (you'll see that eventually - I promise), and secondly - because there's nothing you can do about it anyway.

Honest - you'll get past this. And you'll be amazed at how great you are able to feel about yourself. Just keep doing what you're doing - talking with your therapist, hanging out here, and remaining engaged with your circle of friends.

Feel free to write to me directly if you'd like. Otherwise, keep the conversation going in this thread for the benefit of those who feel just like you, but who have yet to create an ID in EC.

 

You're very welcome - that's why we're all here.

Here's something else that I'll share with you. Many of us have found that our first 'crush' on another guy is incredibly powerful. And I think it has more to do with the situation than the person. You're allowing yourself to feel emotions for someone that you've never felt before. And not because you've never met someone you could have had those feelings for, as you likely have. But it's because you've supressed those feelings - denied that they even existed - youir whole life. So something that someone else might have felt a few years ago you're only now allowing yourself to experience. And I think it's a little like opening a flood gate. It's overwhelming.

So what I'll suggest is that you might not ever feel that way about someone again, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Most of that relationship was all in your head. It wasn't based on two people getting to know each other and developing mutual feelings for each other. It was rather one sided, built up in your own imagination, and brought crashing down when he confirmed that he was straight and had never felt the same way about you - and never would. The idealistic world you'd created in your head crashed into the harsh reality - and it hurt.

What I found - once I was able to see things for what they were - was that my first crush wasn't right for me. And I wasnt' really in a place in my life where it would have made sense for me to have a relationship. I had stuff to work through. I think you do too.

Before very long, I did end up meeting the guy who would end up being my husband. And we are more in love than I've ever been with someone before. WE are in love. And THAT feels awesome. Knowing that he's as crazy about me as I am about him. It builds us both up and makes us better than we would ever have been alone. That's how powerful and amazing it is.

The other message is, as I said above, give yourself time. Yes, this was a huge disappointment. But you're 19, with a long and promising life ahead of you. My husband and I didn't meet until we were in our mid / late 30s. We'd both taken the path of marrying women and only after a few years figuring out that we were gay, and that's why we weren't happy or satisfied in our marriages. But we don't regret the past. We're thankful for it, because it took each and ever bend in the road to get us to the place where we were able to meet each other. And it's just so wonderful that we both feel it was worth the wait.

That was all pretty sappy. I know. But I wanted you to know that while you feel frustrated and cheated now, I firmly believe there is someone out there for you to meet. And when you cross paths, at the right point in your lives, it will be amazing. So keep you head up - because you never know what point in time that will be.

 

Adrian, I think you are underestimating your inner strength and ability to change. First off, know you're not alone. There are many people on this site working through these issues alongside of you. The reality is, most people in your life, if they care about you, want you to be happy. Your orientation is a distant second (or third or fourth) to your overall happiness. In addition, from people on this site, it's just so clear that there is so much more to being gay than the stereotypes.

Have you considered going to a local support group or glbt center? I think it could be very helpful for you (and me, for that matter).

 

NOT PREACHING.. but God wouldn't hand you anything He thought you couldn't handle.