Any clarity out there?

I'm wondering: if you are feeling odd during the fooling around, how do you feel about the idea of it when you're not fooling around? That is: if he would ask you to come over, would you still be looking forward to trying it again? would you still like hanging out if there wasn't any fooling around going to happen?

To me, it sounds a bit like the dreaded "So, is this it?" feeling I get often when doing anything I looked forward to for a long time.
E.g. I can plan a holiday months in advance, but when I get there, I can't help but feel "hmm, this is not entirely how I imagined it to be", which makes me feel quite numb. I can work for months on a project at work, only to get caught up in how the final result isn't the total triumph I imagined it to be.

So could it be that, after spending a long time imagining what it would be like to fool around, you're suddenly struck by how the real deal is different?

If so, that doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. The more I plan holidays, the more realistic my expectations are. The more I do projects at work, the more I learn to appreciate the results. And I guess the same goes for fooling around.

 

I agree with Filip but also have you considered that your just not into fooling around with people. I am the kind of person that would only want to do intimate things like that with someone I was in a relationship with, so possibly it wasnt the stuff you were doing that was wrong but just the situation.

 

I'm going on the fact that you're in the "Not sure (Still trying to figure it out)" stage of coming out. And as a result, this is all very new and you're perhaps trying to come to terms with your orientation yourself.

Being gay and 'fooling around' with another guy can come with a lot of baggage, depending on what kind of messages you've received about it growing up. I think it's quite natural for you to feel conflicted. You felt guilty about the whole thing but not necessarily about trying things with him in particular. You like him, but then you're not sure.

The coming out process is an emotional one. You're allowing yourself to feel things and to acknowledge things that you've otherwise surpressed your whole life. You're experiencing emotions that you've never felt before. A lot of us who came out later in life felt like we were teenagers again - hyped up on hormones and experiencing the emotional rollercoasters more typical of teens and less typical of people in their 20s and 30s. But we were experiencing them because we didn't experience them in our teens - we had things too bottled up.

So cut yourself some slack. Continue to reflect on what happened, and how you feel about it. Consider, as Filip asked, whether the thought of trying it again excites you or not. And why.

There's no set schedule that you have to keep. This is stuff that you need to work through in your own time. And it's good to talk about it, so I'm glad you decided to write what you did here.