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Questioning - In a long term straight relationship

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by stilllovelyafte, Sep 20, 2011.

  1. stilllovelyafte

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    I'm approaching 30 years old. Dating back to late high school, I have had some awareness that I might be gay, though the intensity and the frequency of the thoughts and feelings has shifted in the years since. I've never acted on these thoughts or feelings - in fact, I've stifled/suppressed them at every turn.

    Early in my sexual development - exclusively with women - I met a wonderful girl who I have been with for over seven years. On paper it all works - we have sex regularly, a great social life, professional success. The only problem: I do not feel authentic in the life I've created.

    I am terrified of leaving her and being alone and learning a new life, but I am also terrified of staying, remaining less than happy, possibly jeopardizing my true potential in life.

    I know I need to make changes in my life, to right my course, but I cannot get past the idea making positive changes for myself involves hurting someone else. One of the first people to take a chance on me - and I turn around and hurt her.

    Additionally, while I am a realist, and I recognize that the overwhelming odds are that these thoughts and feelings are legitimate, and I will in fact settle on a gay identity, I do not KNOW that this is the case. I've never indulged the thoughts or feelings. How in the world can I tell her OR leave her on a whim? I just wish there was more for me to cling to in taking this step. Do I need to tell her these things going through my mind?

    Finally, now that I am the closest ever to action in my questioning, I am oddly without these feelings I've had for so long. Chances are it's my mind playing tricks on me - nonetheless, it removes some of my sense of purpose in taking any action.

    I have chatted with a counselor about this - anonymously, which was very helpful. I feel like I need support from individuals who have walked this road, however. I welcome and feedback, advice, criticism, friendship you might have to offer.
     
  2. Mad Man L

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    Firslty, since you're 30 years old, you've had over a decade (nearing two) to put up all these anti-homosexuality barriers, meaning that theoretically, as long as your not completely gay (As in a Kinsey 6, that is, being able to have 150 women show you their vaginas/butts and not get a hard-on), you can "like" women.

    At this point, I'd avoid discussing the issue with your girlfriend, because girls can get a bit freaked if they think their BF is going to desert them for a man. It is, however, in your best interest to continue to discuss this issue with a counsellor. It is firstly important to become open and honest with yourself. Inevitably you will feel like you are "making" yourself gay - you aren't, you are just opening the door to feelings which have been hidden for over 15 years now. Your mind will play tricks on you because you've created a 'fake' heterosexual personality.

    You could be bi, you could be gay. But really, it is hard to tell from what you've said. The main thing is, you need to become open with yourself. Don't feel rushed to apply a label to yourself.
     
  3. Ridiculous

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    If you are still attracted to your girlfriend then you don't need to break up with her, regardless of how attracted you are to other people.

    As The Lewder said, sexual orientation isn't just as simple as "I only like girls/I only like boys;" there's a massive range of bisexuality between these. For example, you can be predominantly gay, but have some attraction towards females, and you can also have just sexual attraction to one while having just romantic attraction towards the other.


    However, unless this is just a small 'hiccup' in your self-identity - and it doesn't sound like it is - you're going to have to tell your girlfriend eventually. And in my opinion, the longer it takes for it to come out (excuse the pun) the more it'll hurt for her when she finds out and the more it'll hurt you in the meantime. If you've got a good relationship with her she should provide support for you as you try to figure yourself out.

    And I'll reiterate that telling her you're questioning your orientation doesn't mean you have to break up with her instantly (or at all, if you're still attracted to her).


    Since you didn't elaborate on your actual sexual attraction towards either sex, where do you stand on this? If you don't have any sexual experience with men then porn works well for most people as an exploration opportunity.
     
  4. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place.

    Many of the members here are younger, but there are some of us who came to the realization or finally accepted that we were gay later in life. For me, I was in my mid 30s, had been married for 9 years and had 2 children. Talk about scary.

    But like you, I eventually couldn't deny it any longer. The more it ate away at me, the worse I felt about myself, and the more my relationship with my wife deteriorated. I'm afraid that with the realization that you've had, you're on the same path.

    Talking with a therapist is critical if you want my opinion. I credit my counsellor with saving my life, because my outlook was so bleak when I started working with him.

    You can't do anything about the past 30 years. Not one single thing. You can't really have much impact on the next 30 years either. All you've got to work with is today, and taking the steps today to make today and tomorrow better. For you, and for those close to you. So I'd suggest not feeling guilty about 'ruining' your girlfriend's life, or having 'stolen' these last 7 years from her. (That's what I felt when thinking about my wife.) The reality is that she would recovery from a breakup, and she would go on to make a successful life with someone else who could love her in a way that maybe you can't. And it sounds like you've had a good life together these last 7 years - something to celebrate.

    I firmly believe that you don't need to 'try being gay' to know that you're gay. You've obviously got some pretty strong indicators, otherwise you wouldn't be here. I also believe that it's possible to be gay, even if you've had a long term relationship with a woman. I certainly consider myself to be gay. Now that I've accepted my orientation and shared it with others, I can honestly say that I have no interest in a relationship with women. Only guys ever catch my eye. I didn't dislike sex with my wife - but I never allowed myself to contemplate the alternative. Society conditioned me to think that I'd get married (to a woman) and have kids, so that's what I did.

    You're in a scary place, for sure. But letting it go on without addressing this will just make it more scary. (Breaking off an engagement, ending a marriage, divorcing when there are children involved... none of these are fun.)

    So hang out here. Feel free to write back - either here for the benefit of others or in a private message to me. Find a counsellor and see them in person. Start to talk about what you're feeling and thinking. The more you talk about it the clearer things will become.

    Good luck!
     
  5. stilllovelyafte

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    All of you are amazing! I appreciate your thoughtful responses. I honestly feel lucky to have stumbled on such an incredible site.

    Re Ridiculous - while I have attraction to both, I do feel a stronger attraction to men - at least at this time. I also know, having lived through it for a while, that it will not go away.

    Jim, I found your post to be incredibly helpful. It's great to hear about your experiences. Man, I can only imagine the pain and suffering you must have inflicted upon yourself. I'm living it now and that's without the added pressure of kids!

    My therapist has been a godsend. She helps me bounce some of these ideas around and take little steps - including posting here - to confront these thoughts.

    How long did it take for you to get past the stage of beating yourself up? I have those same unproductive thoughts - "I'm going to ruin her life," "I lied to her every day for years, I must be a monster," "How badly have I damaged myself in denying myself for so long?"

    Honestly, the idea of leaving her, starting over, while on some level exciting, seems utterly exhausting. How in the world will I learn the ropes? Kids in middle school are coming out? I feel like a relic of an old era. Plus, the dating scene , at least as stereotyped does not seem to be my thing. Obviously this is overly dramatic negative thinking - but these thoughts do bug me much of the time.

    The other thing I grapple with is honesty - what do I need to tell her, when do I need to tell her, etc. Obviously, there is no NEED to do or say anything. Nonetheless, I feel that I owe the person I love some semblance of an answer.

    Jim, would love to discuss more in depth with you if you are up for it.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    I'm glad it was helpful. That's why I hand around here - I know there are others like me going through the same thing I went through, and I know how much I would have benefitted from hearing from someone like that.

    You mentioned that you're working with a therapist annonymously. Is it something online? That's cool. I can't help but think that talking to someone in person would help to make the situation a little more real for you - but whatever works is great.

    My situation was perhaps a little more complicated, but in a way it helped me. For a couple of years leading up to my admission to my wife, I was also suffering with addiction. As all addicts do, I was avoiding what was really going on in my life and avoiding the emotional pain that I otherwise would have been feeling by acting out in my addiction. So when my world came crashing down around me, I got into recovery as well. And the lessons learned there really helped me come to terms with my orientation, as well as everything else in my life.

    I learned that I couldn't regret the past because there wasn't anything I could do to change it. I also learned that I had to accept the things I couldn't change. I had to accept that I was an addict. I had to accept that I was gay. I had to accept that my marriage was over and that we'd need to sell our house. I had to accept my past. And I also learned that I had to find the courage to change the things I could - like my attitude, my behaviours, etc.

    So I'd say it took me 4 to 6 months to come to terms with everything and stop beating myself up. It helped that my wife didn't heap a lot of guilt onto me.

    It can certainly be done. You'll be surprised at how many men your age are in a similar situation. (Not thousands, but more than you likely think.) There aren't really 'ropes' to learn. We're all different, and we all interact with others in our own way. There are guys out there who will want to meet a decent guy like yourself. You don't have to go to gay bars or night clubs to meet people, in fact most would recommend not going to those places to meet people. You can go to those places with people and have a good time - my husband and I love going out dancing in places where we can be ourselves and where guys are comfortable being with other guys.

    Instead, there are other social groups or support groups out there where you can meet new friends in the gay community. And they become potential dates, or their friends do. I think you'll be amazed. I'm an accountant working for a large telecommunications company in Canada, and my husband is a chemistry professor at a local university. Gay men are out there doing all kinds of jobs, all different professions, with all different interests.

    All in good time. But yes, I think you owe her an explanation. Simply leaving after 7 years without an explanation would be cruel. If she loves you, and you approach this properly, she'll understand where you're coming from, and she'll remain a friend and supporter. My wife was able to do that. And she was genuinely happy for me when I met my husband - she could see how happy he made me. Your girlfriend deserves an explanation. She needs to know it isn't something wrong with her.

    So I've elabourated here. Feel free to send me a private message if you'd like. You just click on my name to the left and choose 'send private message'. Good luck!
     
  7. stilllovelyafte

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    Many thanks Jim. Great insight and some clarification. I did not mean to say I've been working with my therapist anonymously. We meet in person, etc. What I was probably referring to is that I am otherwise dealing with this on my own.

    Great to hear your wife was so supportive. Any other readers with similar experiences? Wives/girlfriends being supportive? Experiences with their wives girlfriends NOT being supportive?

    Another general question for the readers here - Why am I so scared of being truthful here? I mean - I know why I'm scared, but in my mind being truthful is in many ways a non-starter for me at this point. Though I have a good inkling of what my orientation will be when everything unfolds, I can't help but feel I just want to be out there and free - even to see women if it strikes me. I want to organically come to a definitive conclusion. Have any of you felt a similar way? I don't know if this is a luxury I have given the way I've boxed myself in.

    Jim - One question that is really none of my business, but I think would be helpful to know - had you had experience with men prior to meeting your wife? I've had no experiences of the sort, and I think that's why my confusion is so great. These ideas have existed solely in my head.