I feel stuck right now. I have told 4 people that I am gay and I have had numerous conversations with them (3 of them are gay as well). However, I still feel stuck. I have not had a gay experience and am still in the process of working through my feelings towards being gay (I continually doubt if I am, I have trouble visualizing myself with another guy, i cant picture intimacy with another man, etc.). I dont know where to go from here. On the one hand, I could tell more people, however I do not think that would provide any relief because I have not come to terms with this myself. On the other hand, I could go out and explore, but I am afraid my family/friends might find out/lying is difficult/I am scared. Just wanted to see if anyone had gotten to this point. Does telling people just make things better, even if I still have stuff to work through? How did people overcome the feeling that a relationship with a man isn't as innocent/romantic as one with a women? Thanks for reading.
Hey, njec, and welcome to EC! I'll be honest, I never had to question my sexuality. Sure, I struggled to accept it, but there was never a doubt in my (subconscious) mind that I was 100% gay. What really helped me, though, before I started coming out, was a lot of introspection. This was because all of my friends who I wanted to talk to about this stuff were very anti-gay. So, I spent a good 8 months making sure my subconscious was directing me properly after I accepted the possibility. However, you've got 3 friends who are gay, who have gone through being in the closet, and who you can now talk to about your confusion. If they are comfortable with it, it would be a huge benefit for you to use them as a resource in figuring out who you are. When it comes to coming out, I'd advise you to pause for a while. If you're not comfortable with yourself yet, and you're not quite comfortable with telling people, the pause will allow you to self-inspect, and make sure you're following the path you wish to take. Again, use your friends as a resource, that's why they are friends. Obviously, we'll help as much as we can, but those who actually know you will be able to provide much more targeted advice. I'd like to tackle your final question out of order, if that's ok. The whole "straight relationships are better" thing is probably a byproduct of your environment. In this day and age, we're starting to move towards equality of the different types of relationships, but we're nowhere near that being a reality in the perception of everyone. I know with my environment, I had definitely internalized some discomfort towards gay relationships, and I overcame that through a lot of thinking about it and watching several Youtube videos of gay couples being... themselves (I'll link some of these below). (FYI: A really good way to lose discomfort about something which really shouldn't make you uncomfortable is to observe it and realize "Oh, huh... that is rather normal...") Finally, coming out of the closet, on it's own, does not make things better. A lot of what makes things improve is the feeling of no longer having to hide, the self-confidence of being able to say "I'm not straight," and the openness with which you can begin to live. If you aren't ready to live openly, leaving the closet could be a bad move. I don't wish to discourage you, but my best advice is to wait for a while and think. Closets aren't fun, trust me I know, but they offer a huge amount of privacy. Don't be in such a rush to leave that you neglect that privacy. Use your friends and your thoughts to do some self-inspection, and when you feel the time is right, jump out of that closet and burn it down. We'll be with you every step of the way! Youtube links: Dan Savage and his husband Terry Miller (It Gets Better Video) Ellen Degeneres and her wife Portia de Rossi on Oprah (1 of 6) (make sure to watch all 6 if you have the time) Ellen and Portia on The Ellen Show Gaga - Edge of Glory Homemade Music Video, Wedding
Thanks. You actually have no idea how helpful i found your response. Although, I go back and forth on whether or not I am gay, in moments of clarity (free of anxiety or shame) I know that I am gay. Its just, my mind plays tricks on me sometimes and I can't always see the bigger picture clearly. I have been thinking about the pro/cons of coming out to more people without being fully comfortable with it. I think I am at the point where I know 100% at an intellectual level that it is ok to be gay but there are some latent emotions i still think i need to address. Namely, the idea of picturing myself being intimate with another guy. I think, before I go any further, I need to get out there a little more and immerse myself more in the gay life. While this may make it more difficult to hide, i think it is a necessary step. It just seems weird/hard to keep postponing this. And i know i need to stop waiting for some epiphany in order to come out because that will never come. I am rambling a bit. Its just I have been sitting with this forever and I have spent the last year reading/discussing so I am not sure where to go from here in terms of self-introspection. Anyway, thanks for the help. Much appreciated.
I'm glad I could be of some help. If you've been self-inspecting for a year, I think the step you've come to is probably the right one. The more you realize that the "gay life" is just normal life but with guys/guys and girls/girls the easier it'll be for you to overcome those emotional barriers. If you want to talk about anything, feel free to post on my wall here on EC, or send a PM to one of the Advisors/Moderators (if it's a little private and you don't want it in a public setting). Oh, and I forgot to mention in my last post that you may want to look into counseling. Since counselors are trained to push through a lot of emotional stuff, a counselor will be able to help you through latent emotions a lot more than friends without that training. Especially since you've said you've been thinking for a year, and there's still a barrier, it might be something to look into. Obviously, no pressure to go, but there's a chance it could help move things along quicker for you. Good luck, and keep EC updated!
