Hey everyone. I'd like some help and I hope that someone in this place can provide it! I've been straight for most of my life. I've dated women and chased girls ever since I could run (literally). However, I have a "dirty little secret" that NOBODY knows: I'm attracted to guys. So, here is my dilemma. When I look at a nude woman, I am not outright turned on. If I am in a relationship with a woman, however, and become bonded with her, just the touch of their skin on mine can light my fire. Guys, however, can turn me on just by looking at them. I watch a variety of porn, both gay and straight, but I'm finding myself turning more and more to the gay porn as of late. When I mess around with a guy (I've never gone all the way with a guy), I feel disgusted with myself once it is all said and done. I immediately regret what I did and vow to never do it again. Of course, that is a vow I have broken a few times. When I'm with a woman, I don't have these same feelings of regret and disgust. So what is my deal then!? I am more attracted to men but I could never see myself in a relationship with one! I'm not all that attracted to women, but I want to be with one so bad. I want a family and kids that are both of ours, you know? I know, I'm a mess and the only person who can tell me what I am is me but I'd love any advice or bits of knowledge that you guys could throw my way. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
This sounds to me like a fairly typical case of internalized homophobia. You feel disgusted with yourself for fooling around with men, and you badly want to be more attracted to women, because you have picked up on society's disapproval of same-sex attraction and relationships, and you want to be able to live a life that you know will be considered "normal" and acceptable. Does that sound about right? Many people struggle with internalized homophobia to varying degrees when they start to come out to themselves. You might find that as you get used to the idea of not being straight, these feelings of shame and frustration will fade. A lot of it depends on the people around you, though - if your friends and family are supportive, you are more likely to be able to accept yourself sooner. It does sound like you are at least somewhat attracted to women - maybe a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale - so you could theoretically end up happily married to one. But you have to ask yourself if you will really be happy always suppressing this other side of yourself, and if you want to risk one day being that husband and father who has to come home and ask for a divorce because he's finally realized he wants to be with a man.
I suppose it could be internalized homophobia, but I guess I can't really say for sure. I have friends that are gay and I've always been supportive of them and the movement. I also believe that people are born gay, as I'm assuming you do, too? How come, then, I didn't start having these attractions for men until later in life? Why was I so "girl-crazy" growing up as a little boy and late into high school? That is why I'm so confused.
This sounds awfully familiar to another post here but welcome to EC ^.^ When I was a kid I had this drive to fit in with everybody else. Any time I had a "gay" thought I'd quickly stuff it down and forget about it. I'd be attracted to girls but looking back I feel that I only found them attractive because everyone else did. Also, it is easier to accept yourself the older and more mature you get. You start understanding what these thoughts mean and that just because they are different than your friends doesn't mean they are bad. Social pressure can be a powerful force and it takes a lot of effort to break away from the pack and be happy with who you are instead of just trying to conform to what you think everyone wants you to be.
Some gay guys might kill me for saying this - but some bi guys: guys for casual sex and messing around, women for romance. If there weren't bi guys that operate that way, wouldn't be one of the connotations attached to it. And look back at your life man, there weren't at least one or two guys that you had feelings for? I mean, I had no idea what it meant when I was also falling for Casper in human form when I was seven years old. Then it didn't creep back up till I was 15, then 17. Basically it didn't happen a lot, but it did happen. The random guy here or there that makes me question. In the end though? I know women are my poison. They satisfy everything. Still not straight though and I'm unsure if any guy really is - I mean look at Sparta, lol. Ancient societies men did it with other men by the thousands, don't see what would suddenly change. Basically I found ask this: Can you seriously be in a closed relationship with a guy? Or can you just be in a closed relationship with a girl? There's no way I can be closed with a guy, I'd crave girls way too much.
I can honestly say there hasn't ever been a guy that I've had "feelings" for, if I'm getting the meaning of the word correct as you're using it. I've been attracted to guys, even friends, but I can't say that I've even ever really had a crush on a guy.
Well, not a crush - just attracted to... like the though of "wow, he's hot.. wait, what am I thinking?" is kind of how my head first registered it before I started to realize... "I don't think my straight friends are thinking this way." The more I tried to suppress it, the more intense it got even - now? It's just, look to the left to see a very hot girl I like - look to the right to see a very hot guy I like - and I'm fine with it. But ratio wise I notice a lot more girls than guys in a 'sexual' manner (curious about intimacy). Going off that - looking back, how old were you when you first thought a guy was attractive?
I should clarify that internalized homophobia doesn't necessarily mean that you dislike or don't support LGBT individuals. It's actually a fairly common phenomenon that people who are openly (sometimes LOUDLY OPENLY) supportive of gay rights have an incredibly hard time coming to terms with their own non-straightness. In a way, it's your mind's way of protecting yourself - you know that society, to a great extent, doesn't approve, and so even though you disagree with that stance, you also don't want to have to deal with the pain and frustration of being one of the objects of that disapproval. Does that make sense? I actually happen to be one of the few here who doesn't believe that all gay / bi /etc. people are born that way. I do think a lot of people are born with an inherent, unchanging sexual orientation - probably even the majority - but I personally believe that it is also possible for people's sexuality to change over time.
You guys are both very interesting and helping me out a lot! First, IanGallagher. I think that I first noticed that I was attracted to guys late in high school. I didn't ever act on those thoughts of attraction though. Now, Chandra. I understand what you're saying about being supportive of others while still not completely accepting yourself. When it comes to people not being born gay, it's somewhat harder for me to wrap my brain around. Are you saying that you think that "gay" people can change their ways and "choose" to be straight? Trust me, I'm not trying to start something here, it's genuinely and honest question! I really do appreciate your replies.
I still haven't acted on it. Unsure if will. Some bi guys never do. Don't feel a strong need to. I've found that I just use what attracts me to certain guys towards girls. Like a "card" in the game or something. Sure some of my friends and parents know that I like guys. But to everyone else and the world? I'm just as straight as the next straight guy. Not hiding either, just - it'd be too much to explain to people and since I lean towards girls, why bother? It's likely to be just something in the back of my mind from time to time knowing when a guy is attractive.
No, not at all. I don't think we are able to choose who we are attracted to at any point in our lives. I'll reiterate that I think most people who identify as gay are probably gay due to genetics or other innate, congenital factors. But I happen to know people who are quite adamant that they never felt the slightest inkling of same-sex attraction for most of their lives, and/or never really thought about it much at all until something external to themselves happened to make them consider it. At least one of these people is now in a long-term same-sex relationship. While some would argue that these people must have had some latent homosexual tendencies without being aware of it, I argue that others do not have the right to dismiss another person's experiences or make such assumptions about them without any hard proof or real knowledge of what that person has lived and felt. Although genetics likely plays a very big factor in sexual orientation, I see no reason to think it must be the only factor; and in some cases, it is possible that it might play a more insignificant role than other factors. This is all part of the reason that I sometimes take issue with the argument that LGBT people should have equal rights because they're born that way and they can't help it. No. They should have equal rights because they're human beings and it's right. As for me personally, I didn't come out to myself until my 30s. I can certainly think back and find some clues or indications that I experienced same-sex attraction, at least from adolescence. But was I born that way? Well, I'm pretty sure I was born a baby, actually. I doubt I was attracted to much other than my blankie and bottle.
