I'm a little paranoid posting in Support and Advice instead of the Anonymous discussion, but I just really need a shoulder to cry on! And everyone on EC seems really wonderful and supportive of each other, so hopefully I'll feel a little better. ^-^ It's making me so sad, I don't know what to do! I don't feel like I can believe in my best friend...whenever we start to get really intimate in our friendship and it seems like we might on an off chance become something more than friends, it's always "the calm before the storm"--in other words, she gets a boy she's interested in and without meaning to pays hardly any attention to me. It really cuts me deep because all her boyfriends have cheated on her and make me suffer for nothing! T-T They're real jerks to her, and I have to sit back, watch, and let it happen! I don't feel like it's my place to interfere or get involved with her affairs with a boyfriend, even though I'm her best friend. It alienates me from her, like I'm watching a movie through glass and can't get close. Then when the glass is suddenly lifted it feels like I'm too close for my own good. Last year we got into a really bad stage that almost ended our friendship--when she started dating her last boyfriend I started spiraling towards clinical depression and we didn't speak for almost four months. It even felt weird to wave or smile to her in the hallway. After we made up with surprisingly no hard feelings (and was ironically to days before the Day of Silence ), it took some adjusting, but we eventually became a lot more...intimate...in our friendship. It's scaring me now because for a while it seemed like she might be on the way to liking me more than friends, even admitting a week or two ago that she might be bicurious, even to the point that we're giving of very faint vibes of being a couple to a few other people, she just told me that she asked a boy to Homecoming and it sounds like she might like him a little bit. I don't enjoy getting thrown for a loop. I don't like being led to think one thing only to find out it's not true and feel stupid and humiliated afterward. But I HATE thinking I'd be a burden on my best friend or that I can't believe in her at all. It's awful, but I really do feel like as soon as I let her share some of the weight of my problems, I have to take that weight back and hold it all by myself. I don't want to like her that way because I don't want either of us to get hurt, but we both make it so hard on us. I don't know what to do! Tell her not to touch me or tell me anything unless she means it? Tell her we should stop? Tell her I'll be fine and she doesn't need to worry about me at all? I really don't know, but it's so painful... Thank you all for listening to my rant! >.<
Well first of all, *hug*. It sounds like your friend definitely hasn't figured out her sexuality, and probably gets a bit freaked out when the two of you start to get too intimate. This could explain why it always seems like there's a boy waiting in the wings - it's her safety measure, her way of reassuring herself that she's still straight. In any situation, it always makes things more challenging to start with a physical relationship before you sort out the emotions. So I would suggest that you might want to stop being intimate with your friend until you've both figured out your feelings for each other, and until she's had time to figure out her sexuality.
** Hug as well ** Sorry to hear that you're in such an unpleasant situation. I agree that it's in both of your best interests to give your friend some time to figure out her sexuality. If you can be supportive, that's great, but I think if it's killing you to see her date guys, you might have to back off from the friendship for a while. Did you ever see anyone about your depression? Good luck!
Thank you both, I feel a bit better. I've been trying to distance myself, but I just started driving her home every day from school and she's been visiting my house every Wednesday since last year, so it's kinda hard to avoid her. >< And I don't really wanna just tell her "don't come for a while" and have to explain why to my family why I want to make her more scarce. As far as my family (especially my mother) is concerned, she's already part of the family. >.> I'm gonna wait and see how things are on Monday since this weekend is Homecoming after she's got 'er new boy date (I took her two years ago, and my other best friend so going, so I feel a little left out of the picture...). No doubt things will go swimmingly between them and I'll be cemented back into my slot as "best friend" once she gets a new bf. Yes, I'm a natural optimist. XD As for my depression, umm...I never told anyone about it, and it did get pretty bad and my mother was considering taking me to a doctor, but I didn't do anything too damaging to myself. I finally made myself suck it up and deal with it and I started a lesbian survival guide in a notebook I keep stashed on my desk to write out anything too complicated for me to mull over in my head.
Lol, thanks!~ But I do feel kinda stupid if I've just been jumping to the wrong conclusions all on my own and it turns out I was wrong, and she's only ever seen me as a good friend. >< I wouldn't like that.... (though there have been hard facts to suggest otherwise, not just me)
