So I just turned 31 and I'm living with my girlfriend of one year. She's great and I love her but I find myself unfulfilled, frustrated and unsure what to do. Let me give you background: when I was a kid, before I really had any idea about 'orientation' my natural impulse was to fool around with other boys. As I got older I had a lot of friends and I felt a lot of pressure to date girls. I even became sort of a ladies man and truthfully a bit of a homophobe (not proud of that). Until my mid 20's I always had a long term girlfriend but in the back of my head I was thinking about boys. I made lots of gay friends and in a way I envied them because they seemed so sure of themselves. When I was 25 I met a boy and we dated for a few months. It felt great, I really liked him and I came out to a few of my close friends but then I freaked out and recanted. I was super freaked out about the prospect of telling my family and I felt really guilty. Like why have I been lying all this time? And I felt stupid (I still feel that way) because it took so long to figure it out. Then I got myself involved with another girl, not because I wanted to but because it's easier. When we broke up I promised myself I'd be honest and give boys a fair chance. Not resort to my old girlfriend habit. I dated two boys this time and had a good time with both of them but then when it got serious with one of them I freaked out again and broke up with him. So here I am now with a really lovely woman who I adore but I have no interest in having sex with. I find myself replaying the past sexual encounters I've had with men during so I don't disappoint her. I dunno, I haven't really talked to anyone about this in a serious way before and I just want to break my messed up cycle so I can be happy and I don't end up married with kids to a woman because it's 'easier'. Help.
Hi there, and welcome to EC! I'm also in the Toronto area! I can speak from experience: it might seem like it would be easier to get married to a woman and have kids, but the inner turmoil that results isn't easy to deal with at all. And I think eventually you'd 'snap' and have to get honest with yourself and your family. I was married for 9 years. Now, I really didn't know that I was gay when I got married. (Believe it or not.) It really didn't occur to me that I could be anything but straight, because it just seemed the thing to do - find a nice girl, get married, have kids. But as time went on, and I became more and more depressed and unhappy, I eventually had to accept that I was gay. The longer you leave this, the harded it will be on you to cope with it, and the harder it will be on both of you to end it. Does she know that you've had relationships with other men in the past? Or have you kept that from her? Depending on the answer to that, the news that you're gay might not be much of a surprise for her. When I did finally clue in, I didn't want to admit it to anyone, or do anything about it. I was scared to death of what that might mean to me and my family. But in the end, we've made it through OK. My wife and I split but remain good friends. My kids coped OK with our separation and when I told them a couple of years later that I was gay, they didn't really seem to care much. I've since met a wonderful guy and we've recently got married - and life is wonderful. (I'm not having to fantasize about anyone else when I'm with him - that's for sure!) So I think you owe it to yourself to work through this and get to the place that's right for you. Have you thought of seeing a counsellor of some kind? I credit mine with saving my life - because I was pretty messed up when it all came out. It would be really helpful for you to have someone to talk to - in addition to us here. Write back or send me a private message. But keep talking - it helps.
Interesting post... to summarize, you go back to girls because it's easier with them but deep down, you love men (if I understood correctly). The easiest thing you can do in your life is to be true to yourself first, because it's your life, and everything will come along. I come from a conservative background and used to think like you until I got caught with mental problems due to this dilemma I was living (lying to myself to have an "easy" life). Coming out and accepting yourself is not easy at first but it's much better in the long term, I can guarantee you that! Good luck with your struggles!
Thanks for the replies. My girlfriend does know about my brief relationships with men and is cool with that. She has expressed concern now and again that I may leave her to be with a man and their are some things as a woman she just can't give me. I guess that's part of my guilt: I care about her and I'm afraid of breaking her heart. She wouldn't be the first relationship with a woman that I ended because of my sexuality. I feel guilt about those as well. I think that my current relationship is the only thing holding me back from really being honest with myself and coming out for real. Jim how did you manage to remain friends with your ex wife? I really want that but I know that it ain't going to be easy. I'm not sure about counselling. I think I'll try to talk to a friend first. But if it comes to that maybe I'll be back on here asking for referrals. C.
So you're really gay, right? just putting up a front, and that's why you're with women? If that's the case.. the way I see it.. sometimes you have to be selfish to be happy. It's time you start caring more about your own happiness than anyone else's. I know it's not easy, but you'll be in a much better state of mind when you break it off with women for good. You go about this all wrong.. you care more about how she would react if you break it off with her, but what if you stay for too long.. what if you can't take it anymore, have relationships and/or one night stands with men on the side and what if she finds out.. would it hurt her less or more than just being upfront and honest with her now? or what if you make her, or another girl for that matter pregnant, what then? you'll not only ruin one life, but to lives, and you'll just end up in misery. Try to do the best thing and call it off with her, she might get hurt, but it's the best in the long run. Do you really think she would want to be with someone who doesn't love her and someone who doesn't find her attractive? Isn't that selfish too? Don't you owe it to her to leave her, so she can find someone, who really cares for her like a guy should? You say if you leave you're selfish, but isn't it more selfish to stay in a loveless relationship? Do you think that's something she wants? And if you're afraid of hurting her.. it'll only get worse as time passes. Try to do the honorably thing here. I know it's not easy, and it probably would help to talk with someone, like those over her suggested, but try to look at this from different sides. It isn't as straight forward as you make it out to be. Anyway.. it's your life, you have to do what's best for you. I'm just trying o give you some advice her. I wish you good luck though. You're not in an easy position, that's for sure. I hope you'll be able to work it out.
