So, I have a life that I like, for the most part. I have a family that I am very close to, and unfortunately while I finish school, financially dependent upon. I have a place of respect and authority at my church, in a ministry that I love and feel is vitally important. I have a budding career in education, in a conservative part of a conservative state. If I came out as a lesbian (or bi, as I feel may be more likely, but as stated in these forums, it is a continuum, not a binary function) all of these things could dramatically change. I don't think my parents would completely reject me. I think they would be hurt, confused, and question if there are other things I haven't told them. When I was younger I had some issues where I wasn't truthful to them, and have spent a lot of years repairing that damage. If I came out to them they might feel that I had never stopped lying. Despite this, I think they would be more concerned about how it would affect my chances of getting a job. I love my church, but it *is* Baptist, and while I have looked into these issues for myself and no longer believe that a monogamous, sanctified gay relationship is sinful, I know that a lot of people at my church that I care deeply about have not reached this point. I am almost certain that while I would still be "welcome" to attend, I would be asked to step down from my leadership position, which would make me very sad, as it has become an important part of my life. I know that there are churches in my area that are accepting of GLBT, but I like the church I've got, and don't really want to change. Perhaps the most fearful part of all of this is my hope for a job as a teacher. Budgets state-wide have been cut, I'm set to graduate in the spring, and it is wildly competitive. *Anything* that could be considered an area of concern can result in your resume ending up in the circular file, and I'm freaking tired of working part time "survival" jobs instead of teaching kids, which is my passion. Around here anything that isn't 100% straight is considered sexually deviant, and anything sexually deviant is thought to also encompass pedophilia. I'm afraid that if it came out (on facebook, or just floating around as a rumor) that I may be bi that I would lose any chance of a job in education. I don't know what else I would want to do, if that didn't work out. I've reached the age of 29 without consummating any relationship, with man or woman. Not that I haven't wanted to, but I have enough baggage and trust issues so that it hasn't happened. I wonder, what if I just... didn't? What if I just stop looking for a *relationship* and focus on having good friends, hobbies, and a home that I love? It feels sad to think of *never* being with someone, but on the other hand, it is fairly safe. IDK, guess that's why I'm on this site...:help:
If you think you could be happy living your life without a partner, then that would be a good path. However, it's possible that you'll cross paths with someone who makes you suddenly not care about anything or anyone else's opinions, and you'll want to be with her in a relationship. If that happens, I'd say go for it, because when you're in the midst of love, anything seems possible. Just make sure she could reciprocate the feelings, because otherwise it becomes an incredibly painful life dealing with these unrequited feelings.
You don't have to be actively searching for a relationship, but by the same token, you can at least keep your eyes open and be aware of a potential partner should they come along.
You have some valid reasons for not wanting to come out at this time (unfortunate, but valid). And ultimately it's up to you to decide what you think is best for you to do. I'm not going to say that it's impossible to live a happy, fulfilling life without ever revealing your sexual identity or being in a loving relationship, but I do believe that for many people it ends up being extremely difficult and painful to constantly suppress that side of their lives. Sexual and intimate relationships are a fundamental part of human existence, and it is a rare person who can deny that part of themselves for very long. I think you have some very profound challenges ahead of you, whatever you choose to do. I hope you are able to find a solution to your dilemma that allows you to be at peace with yourself.
I kinda know what it's like to be in your position. I was the student youth leader at my church before I went to college. That's one of the main reasons that I waited instead of coming out during high school. Here at college I go to an accepting church now. At my school there were many openly gay, lesbian and bisexual teachers. One of them was a principal. Also, I thought that I was never going to come out. I never wanted to face the people that I loved like my family and have them tell me I was wrong. But after a while it gets to you.. it eats away at you until you cannot take it anymore. But, in the end it's your choice, and if you choose to hide then you are most likely just going to make things harder when you do decide to come out. Sorry if that sounded mean... I did not mean for it to... But whatever you decide to do, we'll be here for you!!(*hug*)
Hey I feel I can relate! Don't close yourself out to the idea of having a relationship. I come from a small closed minded community in Iowa so its hard to meet new people but trust me you will want to share your life with someone someday so just at least be open to the idea. Also maybe think about moving to another state to teach there are teaching opportunites all over. I know its hard to start new somewhere but its possible! And Hey Don't worry there is defiantly a girl out there that god has made for you, you just haven't met her yet!
