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Well that was interesting......What Now?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SagaciousNJ, Sep 23, 2011.

  1. SagaciousNJ

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    So I came out to my parents about a month ago and a few friends three months before that, It was a somewhat harrowing period but fairly smooth as such things go. No one renounced me, I was not kicked out, and Aside from having to put up with some bitterly and painfully awkward but well meaning questions, things are good.

    So...What happens now?
    I don't have a well spring of experience but I've at least been with a couple of (read: 2) girls, so hopefully I'm not entirely ignorant. Now however, I'd like to investigate my attraction to men and I'm adrift on the open sea. My game was never the tightest, I often have people inform me that there are girls around me that are interested and I miss it. I can't imagine I'll be any more adroit with men, this on top of the fact that black people seems to have awful gaydar makes me feel distinctly handicapped.

    All of that leaves aside the issue of Being out, My extended family is highly religious much more so than my immediate; I don't really want to tell them. Which brings us to work; up until recently one of my coworkers was a truly inspiring lesbian, so I think it would be cool but I also know that the the rules are different for men than for women.

    As if that weren't enough none of that resolves my last important question: Do I just say I'm gay and let people believe that until they see me hitting on a girl. I feel like i'd be in an uphill battle If I tried to constantly explain that "I'm bi, but it would be cool if I was gay, and on, and on, etc...".

    Is the path of least resistance wiser?

    In summation: Help ME!! I've tried nothing and I'm all out of Ideas!!!
     
  2. Jim1454

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    Hi there. Congratulations for coming out. That's awesome.

    I don't think I'd tell people I was gay if I wasn't. That just sends the wrong message I think. And I don't think it matters much with respect to meeting guys. Whether you're gay or bi, you're not going to have it tattooed on your forehead. So there's still this issue about letting people know that you're potentially interested.

    I think coming out to the lesbian at work would be a good thing. You need to get yourself hooked into the LGBT community if you're going to meet other guys who are also gay or bi. You can also start attending LGBT events or support groups in your area. PFLAG or other such groups would be a great place to meet other gay or bi people, or friends of such people.

    The advantage of doing that is you don't need to rely on your gaydar.
     
  3. ukeye

    ukeye Guest

    Its hard, but you have to remove other people from the scenario. Im assuming you came out as bi? Maybe once you gain more experience with guys you will lean more that way. You're still young. Do you still have strong feelings for women? Do you feel you would like a long term relationship with a woman.. or perhaps a man? These are questions that you will learn over time.

    Your sexuality is your business and your business alone. People will try to tell you whats right for you, but at the end of the day.. you only have to answer to yourself. Everything is situational with coming out. For some, its fine to just say yes I'm gay and have peers/open minded people which will support you. For others it can be more difficult due to possible rejection from peers or misunderstanding.

    You've told the close people in your life by the sounds - well done! It is a big step and the most important step imo. Don't let it own you, keep your head high and never give up! :slight_smile:
     
  4. J Snow

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    I think I can kind of relate to you. When I was first coming out I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi, but I didn't want to come out as bi. I really wanted to come out to some females and develop some platonic friendships with girls that didn't have sexual tension, thus I just said I was gay. What I realize now is I think I am more or less gay. I still find girls cute, but I find vagina gross looking, and just in general would rather be a friend to a female then a lover. I don't like the idea of being the man in a relationship or the bedroom, so I just think of myself as gay now.

    I would say if you are really just interested in men for the time being then say that. Lots of gay guys still find women attractive on a certain level. However, if you do still feel sexually attracted to females then I wouldn't just lie to people about that. Perhaps you could explain you are still trying to find yourself, and you may have a preference. I wouldn't necessarily advise lying, but you don't really have to tell people anything more then you feel comfortable either.

    edit: Also, while coming out to my mom I said I was gay, or MAYBE bi. She then blamed me for hurting her if there was even a chance I could be with a girl. I honestly wouldn't want to be out as bi because I feel there's a lot more negativity associated with them then gays. You know, they don't really have anyone they can have a platonic friendship with, they really kind of lost the "its not a choice" argument that makes them more likely to be persecuted, and have a reputation of being promiscuous.

    I'm not saying any of these are justified. I just personally think they face their own unique challenges that purely gay (or at least people who claim to be 100% gay) do.
     
    #4 J Snow, Sep 24, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2011
  5. Cynicite

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    Hey! Congratz on coming out! I know how you feel man, I came out, moved off to attend college and now I'm trying to find a guy who can put up with my geekery and nerdiness. I agree with Jim, your coworker would probably be the next person to tell if you wanted to move in that direction. As for telling people what your orientation is, I don't lying and telling someone your gay when your not is a good way to start a relationship. I understand your concern that it might make finding a guy harder, but its definitely worth holding out to find someone who accepts you for who you are. Hope I helped!

    And to Jon, I had some of the same doubts in my mind when I was thinking about coming out, but most people that take the time to know me, know I'm more interested in guys, and thus platonic friendships ensue. Just thought I'd throw that out there :grin:
     
  6. SagaciousNJ

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    Thank you everyone, You have given me a good deal to think on.

    For all that it is expedient, I suppose dishonesty would be unwise, and on reflection it does countermand the whole point of coming out in the first place.

    Also, I think I'll try what you suggest Jim, getting more involved in the LGBTQ community would probably be good and perhaps it would have the merry side effect of letting me meet new and potentially interested people. :icon_wink

    Although my lesbian co-worker quit over the weekend so, there goes one idea.
    Really this whole "openness" thing sounds like a good idea on paper but its a pain in the ass in practice.

    BTW - I've noticed in hearing and reading the experiences of others who come out, and in general, that straight people tend to flatter themselves on being told that someone is gay or Bi. I even had to straighten that shit out with a friend of mine. :rolle:

    Often they either think you must be secretly attracted to them or worse I've heard of cases where people of the opposite sex will entertain idle fancies of being able to turn those who come out as gay.

    I'd never be so crass as to say it to their faces, but concerning something like the majority of people, both Men and Women: "I Wouldn't fuck them with a stolen dick" (please excuse my vulgarity)

    Is this the general feeling? Or do I just have snobbishly high standards?
     
    #6 SagaciousNJ, Sep 26, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2011
  7. Cynicite

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    Well, when I came out to my friend Keith, he definitely thought I was attracted to him. The kicker here is that I was, but he was straight, and it never flourished into anything. But he didn't act flattered, more shocked and probably embarrassed for me XD. But as for "turning", I have encountered that at college. Yes, i'm bisexual, but that doesn't mean I like every apple and orange in the shop. It seems impossible to get it through some peoples heads that you aren't interested, never was, and never will be. I wouldn't say you have high standards, but you do have some standards, and thats a good thing! Hope I helped!
     
  8. SagaciousNJ

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    You did thank you
     
  9. maverick

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    Threads like this (which I totally relate to) make me want to say things like,

    "I date whoever I want."

    whenever sexuality is brought up in conversation.

    I mean, isn't that what it boils down to? You might date all guys from now on, or you might fall in love with a girl later on, or you might never find girls attractive again, or whatever.

    It doesn't matter so much, as long as you're dating someone you really care about.