Okay, I know I post on here a lot, so I decided to put all of my problems and things I need support/advice/help with, in one thing. (I was going to email an admin, but I'm to chicken to.)Sorry everyone, I have posted a lot of my problems already. And for some reason, I am completely comfortable with telling you all this. (WARNING: PERSONAL PROBLEMS AHEAD) Well, first off, I hate my body. I’m so disgusted with it. I very much dislike the things on my chest and the area “down below”. I struggle with self-esteem issues very badly and have never loved myself. I am constantly saying horrible things to other people or thinking that mean things about them. I cuss a lot. I’ve made a shell that is so mean to everyone, and then the real me wonders why I have few friends. I can’t take it anymore, but I have tried to change and failed. I’ve come to a point where I’ve given up trying to change. I believe that I am very much depressed, and I have (sorry) self-harmed (I am trying my hardest. Yes, I have scars. There are times I have been suicidal, but I don’t think I really want to die. It would be a cry for help.) The only thing I do like is my musical ability (I play the oboe (concert) and saxophone (marching/jazz) (I used to play flute when I was younger) and my artwork. I feel like everything in my life is threatened to change for the worse. It’s all falling apart. My band life is being overrun by kids who don’t care about the music and have no respect for their elders (they’re in 7th grade). The new rules being slammed on those of us who do care are taking the fun out of it. The band director is so annoyed by the lack of respect and gives up trying to even practice for an hour after not being able to talk to a section because you can’t hear him over the others talking. Also, my mother has low health the way it is due to neuropathy in her hands and legs/feet and diabetes, yet she continues to smoke cigarettes and sit in front of the computer all day playing games on Facebook, and eating unhealthy foods. I know she can’t do much else, but I still wish she could find anything else to do. Like maybe pull a chair out onto the front porch and sit and enjoy the outside world. Every time I ask her to quit smoking again (she had quit for two years until she got her current boyfriend), or not sit at the computer all day, I get yelled at and she tells me to stop trying to tell her how to live her life. Granted, the bipolar disorder and depression she is diagnosed with doesn’t help; one minute she’ll be yelling the next she’ll try to apologize or ask if I want to help her win one of her Facebook games. I can’t help but be embarrassed when I’m in public with her because she just tries to be a teenager; she’s 43. Then I feel like a horrible child because a child should not think so low of their parental figure. Yes, I’m still in contact with/still see my father. No, he doesn’t live with us (obviously); he is married. Personally, I hate almost everything about both of my parents (and their boyfriend/wife) and then I just feel extremely bad about hating everything about them. Last but not least, the economy. Yeah, I know. Why am I even thinking about that? I’ve known about economic and any issues concerning money since I was seven. As I said above, money issues. I’m sick of watching my mother and her boyfriend waste money on tobacco and filters, junk food, going out to eat, internet on (his) phone, and other extremely pointless things that we do not need. There are more than enough bills to pay, and we’ve been behind on some of them at times because we’ve wasted money. I hadn’t gotten new clothes since I was in first grade (not including necessary items due to growth in certain areas, much to my dismay), until yesterday when I constantly nagged about needing jeans for the football game (it was pouring down rain, so we weren’t going to be in uniform. It was also postponed until tomorrow.) I got two pairs of guys’ jeans and a hoodie. I won’t see any more new clothes unless we save money and my father sends more in. Gosh forbid they don’t get tobacco or junk food for a week so I can get pants for the winter. And then we come to the fun part. Sure, let’s go with that. I am extremely socially awkward. Even around the people who I think I can call friends, I feel like I don’t belong (especially with my older friends because they really act sometimes like they want nothing to do with a younger kid). Or I’ll be standing there and say something and either nobody will hear me or I’ll get cut off by someone. I suck at making friends because I fail at being nice. I’ve come to see that I only notice the flaws in myself and those around me and it really sucks. Please do me the kind favor of trying to avoid suggesting therapy. Trust me, I’ve thought about trying to get into a mental institution or seeing a therapist for help, but we don’t have the money and I don’t know if my insurance (Access, for those of you who are familiar with it) would pay for it. Also, I’m afraid to ask for help A) because I don’t want my mother to know that she’s part of the problem and make her more depressed and I’m sick of hurting people. B) Whenever I think about asking for help, I feel like an attention-seeker. If you’ve read this whole thing, you deserve a trophy. Sorry again for loading all of my problems on you, but I can’t keep it to myself anymore. As I once found I quote I liked and wrote down, “Secrecy is isolating”. I am so sick of being isolated and alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this through, and provide anything you can below. Please, and again, thank you.
Not sure what to do in your present situation, but just know that the way it is, isn't forever. Focus on getting good grades and if your family doesn't make ton of money, then it'll be easier to get aid for college. Focus on the future.
I'm sorry to hear that you have so many problems, I get what you are talking about when you said you have made a shell that is so mean to everyone you have a hard life and generally that causes people to be mean to others. You will not be able to change this overnight basically it will take a long time to change this, I kinda have a mean side to me too but I have worked at it and its less than it was . I also know what your are talking about with your mom and her boyfriend wasting money and the smoking thing that basically is my dad he has high blood pressure and was smoking eating junk food and he ended up having a stroke. He would also waste money on the most useless stuff now he wants fly fishing rods to go fly fishing for some reason he thinks he can go stand in a river and fly fish with very bad balance. I get were you are coming from and I am truly sorry you have to go through the stuff your going through. Also it is ok to have problems so don't feel bad when you post them.
You don't need to apologize for posting about your problems her in EC. That's what we're all for, and if you can't talk to us about the, who can you talk to? Not to say that you shouldn't talk to other people about them. You talk about your mom being bipolar and depressed. Has she been diagnosed as such? Of did she just decide that she was? Is she medicated? The fact of the matter is that mental illness can certainly run in families, and it's very likely that you're suffering from depression as well. And if your mom has seen her doctor and been diagnosed, and is getting treatment for it, she's going to understand how you feel as well, and she'll want to get you help too. At 13 you're in this nowhere land between being a kid and being an adult. Remember that there are a lot of things that you are NOT responsible for - and therefore shouldn't worry about. Money, your mom's health, the things they waste their money one. They are all frustrating for you but they are not your responsibility and therefore you need to somehow learn to leave them alone. While you shouldn't have to, you do need to make sure your own needs are identified - like "Mom, you know I am going to need some long pants for winter, right? All of my pants from last year are too small." I'd say you're also OK to say the same thing to your dad - "Dad, I know you provide mom with some money, but we don't seem to have enough to buy me new pants for winter, and I'm going to need some. Do you think you could help me out?" It's also an age when you're not going to be thrilled with your body. I'm not sure that any 13 year old looks at themselves in the mirror and says "Wow - that's just perfect the way it is!" They don't. We all have insecurities about our bodies. But we need to learn to live with them, and not let them drive us crazy. We are our own worst critics, and nobody else things we look as bad as we think - and nobody else cares as much as we do. They're too busy feeling insecure about their own bodies. This is also a period of your life where things change - a lot! The way people react and act around you changes. So it's natural to be fearful of what is in store. But you need to take some comfort in the fact that everyone who is older than you has been where you are, and they've all lived through it. You can't necessarily see how things might change for the better, but they likely will. And the older you get, the more influence you have in your own life, which is a good thing. One thing that you can control is how you interact with other people. If you have a bad attitude, YOU are the only person who can change it. Nobody else. You need to monitor your own behaviour, and change it if that's what you think you need to do. Small steps are all that is required here. Consciously think of something positive to say to someone. That you like their haircut, or their new sweater. That they did a good job in band practice. I think you'll find that the more friendly you can be, the more friendly people will be in return. Good luck!
Hey Wy, You are very brave for putting all of this out to the world. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you're really struggling with your gender and, specifically, the parts of your body that represent your assigned birth sex. While it is true (as one user mentioned above) that it is very common for teenagers to be unhappy with their body, I know from experience how much worse it can be when you are living in a gender you don't completely identify with. My advice is to focus on yourself and figuring out how you can best live the life you want to live. Once you are living authentically, you'll be amazed at how much easier it becomes to deal with the other things (and how many seemingly unrelated problems simply cease to exist!). I imagine it feels like a pretty hopeless situation considering you also mentioned having problems with your parents and money, but there are so many people who can (and will!) help you if you ask. When you're ready, I suggest you contact the organization TransActive (TransActive - Preparing the World for Children of Every Gender). They have a wealth of resources and provide services to children and youth working through gender issues. And they never charge so much as a dime from people who can't afford it. And of course, if you ever want to talk to someone who's personally been there before, I'm here. I'm not a full member yet, so I can't PM, but I'm around in the forums or you can write on my wall. One last plea - if you are ever feeling suicidal again, please contact the Trevor Project (Preventing Suicide Among LGBTQ Youth | The Trevor Project 866-488-7386). Your life is important and you deserve the chance to live it fully! -Fabulous Todd
^Yes and Yes. ^Tried it, thanks. I managed to get a "We'll put it all on lay-away for you." ^Definitely going to ask. ^I really hope so. I hope that I can start changing by not letting so many cusses out. That's what I grew up hearing, so I guess it just stuck. ^Out of all the looking around I've done, I wish I would've found something like that sooner. I will check it out. And thanks, it's good to know I have someone to turn to if I do need help. Thank you both, I really needed the help. And thanks, suninthesky and behind glass, for adding what you could. Greatly aprreciated. (&&&)
I agree, you don't need to apologize! (*hug*) It's very hard to ask for help sometimes, especially when we need it most. I won't bore you with my own story, but I can tell you this much--no one likes to be alone!! You're way more awesome than you give yourself credit for, lovely. And I'm not surprised that you have such a negative attitude towards yourself what with the environment you've had to deal with at so young an age, and I wouldn't blame you for being so upset with your parents. It's so weird to think that any thought like that towards our parents are somehow "sinfully disrespectful" even though they're people too; they make mistakes just like kids and teenagers do. Even if it doesn't seem like it now, things will get better. I don't know what else to tell you except that it's not your fault and you're free to talk to me anytime! I won't mind at all to get a PM or a wall post if you ever feel like you just might wanna vent. (*hug*)
