I'm sorry for posting here, I've been trying to only write in to respond to other people or to write in the chit-chat type boards. I was tempted to post this in the anonymous section or something, because I feel there's parts of it I can't even reach or get to or... but I'm trying to not care about embarrassment or feeling silly or burden-like for asking for support or advice or help, so I'm going to try to do it here, name included. I always try to appear doing better than I am. I repress feelings & don't want to be a bother with them. But my current circumstances, living where I am with my family again, missing where I used to be, missing being able to be myself when it comes to being able to just be normal in conversation always about those I am attracted to & the like... and always needing to deal with the various anxiety & depression issues, along with some physical problems, which all makes me a bit of a burden monetarily well beyond the point I should have stopped being one. I'm a disappointment and a burden to those who are around me. I don't see why I shouldn't just pull away from all of it. I was recently given some brilliant couple of days away, where I got to meet & hang out with various people in more of a city setting than where I live now. It felt better. I even got to talk to someone I admire & used to see more often & this person went out of the way to provide space to listen, to talk, to give me advice. It felt like this person could tell what kind of emotional place I'm in, which is embarrassing... but they gave me time that I'm grateful for & brilliant advice. And ever since I'm back, instead of honouring that advice by following it, instead I seem to keep falling into more depression, more self-destruction, more fear, more bleakness. I have no insurance and no way to really privately seek out therapy or the like at the moment, because I can't drive & am living with family. I self-harmed for the first time in a few years or so. It wasn't that serious, it didn't leave much more than an ol' bruise. But now the temptation is stronger. And the temptation to self-harm moreso is stronger. And I'm stupid for having let myself go down these roads. And I can't let people down, and part of me wonders why not just let them down completely? I was trying one of those online email hotline helpline things for a while, which perhaps was somewhat helpful. But of course it is only within their policy to do active listening and the like and to look out for warnings of suicide. After a few exchanges, hoping that something, anything would be something to connect and hang onto, I finally just got so tired when I read the response tonight that simply said all I had said back to me and asked me again if I was feeling suicidal. I can't answer that. How am I supposed to know how confidential or private all of that really is on their email helpline hotline? And the truth of it is, I am very afraid of what my answer actually is. I'm just tired. I want to disappear from this place. Which feels impossible without being able to drive, without enough funds, with a verbally & emotionally abusive father. And so I know what my answer is. But I don't want to articulate that answer to anyone. If someone can tell & catch on, that's one thing, but I can't articulae the words myself. I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign. There was one person I was hoping to find again in this stupid town I'm living in now. My first love, my first crush, although unrequited somewhat, but they led me on a bit, letting me think she was bisexual at the time, which later was admitted that they weren't but did that for attention. Which doesn't make them sound like a prize perhaps, but trust me, they were amazing in every way. And I still held on to a hope that maybe the attention thing was the lie, that maybe I would have a chance. I've since found out that they are extremely religious now in a religion that--generally speaking, only--would signal having no interest in me. And I could easily contact her and see her, I suppose, but it would be showing what a failure I've been, and I'll just be thinking of how my last hope for finding someone in this stupid town is gone. And I want to remember her the way that it was. I want to escape, I want to be completely numb. I alternate between not being able to cry and not being able to stop crying. I try to stay awake all night so I can sleep through as much of the day as possible. There's no place for me here and no point for me here. And as over-dramatic as I may sound in all this, the truth still is perhaps there's no one in my area that would even mind if I just... I'm sorry. I keep typing because I want to keep myself moving so I don't give in to self-harming again. I'm sorry if this is all too burdensome or serious to be talking about. At the same time that I just feel like ending, I guess there's a stupid part of me that wants to survive, too. But both of those parts are at battle with one antoehr and I don't know which one is winning anymore. Maybe not giving up, but maybe just self-harming in some way, even if that makes me a disappointmen and failure, just to feel numb, just not to feel all of this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for spamming the fun threads or whatever, for not being a help to anyone, I'm desperate for distraction. :icon_redf I'm sorry for complaining. :help:
Hey now. (*hug*)(*hug*) I felt like that was needed. I'll let you know, I'm rather exhausted/ falling asleep right now, so please disregard any nonsense/rambling from me. My apologies in advance! Don't apologize for complaining - you're reaching out for support, there's a big difference. It's hard for me to offer up any worthwhile advice - I've never been in a situation quite like yours. I was, however, depressed for quite a while, and reached emotional and mental lows that I never thought I would get to. Back then, it seemed like my life was a big black hole - there was no escaping the darkness. To try and alleviate some of the negativity that I was drowning in, I always tried to focus on the future, with the hope that it would be brighter and happier. And it is. So just remember, yes, you maybe in a situation that's not the best right now, but that's not to say that things won't get better. Try to get your mind off of your present troubles - read a book (a happy one is preferable), watch a favorite movie, anything to distract you, even if just for a little while. I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but my somewhat limited experience restricts my usefulness, I'm afraid. Good luck, and don't give up hope. ~Alex
First of all, there's no need to apologize for posting here. That's what 'here' is for. You're just as worthy of support and advice as the next person, so you are totally justified in asking for it. I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling. I can certainly relate, as I've also felt down to the point of wondering if the world would be any worse off without me. Thankfully I reached out for help and got through that period of my life - and can see that the world is a better place for me being here. Just the fact that I'm here to respond to your thread signals to me that it's good that I stuck around. But of course, at the time I was thinking that way, I couldn't see where I could ever be of any help to anyone. I'm sure you can't see that either right now - but that doesn't make it true. When we're depressed we don't think clearly. We can't see the good in things. We can't see the possibilities. But they're there. Things certainly will appear hopeless if you're in a small town with no ability to travel and where you live with an abusive parent. I'm not going to tell you that it's OK and you shouldn't feel bad about those things, because it isn't OK for someone to be abusive towards us. But what to do about it? It depends really. Some times you need to just 'fly below the radar' until you're able to remove yourself from the situation. Don't cause waves, and plan your exit. But if there's no way to do that, and the abuse is constant and extreme, then perhaps you need to reach out for help. Contact local authorities - child services or the police. Perhaps you need to reach out to other family members for help - an aunt or uncle or grandparent. Your immediate safety is my first concern. On the longer term outlook - things can and will get better. Are you in high school? Attending college? There could very well be a 'way out' in the next couple of years - and it will mean a huge change in your life for the better. Keeping your eye on that prize can help you get through a lot. But perhaps that isn't the case. I don't know enough about you to say. But the bottom line is, you are worthy of help. And you are worthy of being able to feel better about yourself. And you do not 'deserve' the abuse that you're currently suffering so you're entitled to ask for help. You can write to me in a private message or to any of the staff if you'd like to talk one on one. We're here to help where we can.
That's a difference I always seem to forget, go straight to thinking of complaining or being a burden. Thank you for that reminder, maybe it'll sink in this time! Alex, thank you for reading & responding, especially when tired & at such a late hour. What you wrote about your depression was very similar--nearly identical--to the thoughts & feelings I've been having, so your advice does help greatly, though I'm sorry you've had to go through those feelings, too. I'm so glad that the future has been brighter & happier for you. I know it's best to think about how the future may change things, but all I can see now is that all my hope & chances were in the past... and part of me thinks that's even a logical assumption, not just depression talking. I feel I lucked out, had my share of happiness back then, and it's gone now, and there's no way for it to return again. I don't see a way to get back to the situation I was in when I was happy and I don't see a way to help myself find any sense of contentment or happiness the way things are now. I keep thinking that the best is all in the past, all I have now is the memory of it, because the times that were better are already done & probably won't happen again. Thank you for this reminder, too, I've bee trying to do this as much as possible. I don't know, maybe I've even gone overboard on the distractions. I've kept off important things, responsibilities & the like, all to just do something distracting to keep holding on. (And of course, I've also been going for the less healthy forms of distraction now that the temptation was given into once, but I'm trying very hard not to. But I'm tired there.) You definitely were of help, Alex. Thank you very much & I'm failing at it a bit now, but I will try to remember to keep that hope in mind. (*hug*)
Thank you for those reassurances, very much. I'm afraid my self-esteem is so null & void that I can't emotionally (or even logically to some extent) think of myself as worthy of support & advice at all--even though I completely believe that everyone else is. I don't know, maybe I just have misguided or illogical guilt or embarrassment, I don't know, but I know that I feel I'm not worthy of it at all. But I'm going to try to keep reaching out here, even if all of those types of thoughts tell me otherwise. I'm very grateful that you are able to relate to those feelings, but very sorry that you had to go through those feelings as well. From what I've seen since I've joined & lurked, it seems you definite have been making the world for the better--I can tell by how many people you help here alone. I'd like to be of help to others. I try to be, even when I feel like this. But I don't think I do a very good job of it, I think it's another thing I fail at. I do feel a bit at odds--I very much want to be able to make some kind of difference, have always have the activist-type mindset, etc. But then I think of all the things I was able to do in the past when I was in a much better space, and I don't think I'll ever be able to help in so many ways--or any ways--again. So I keep feeling like maybe it's better, because maybe all I am is someone that constantly needs help & is never able to truly give it... if I wasn't around anymore, at least those who care about me wouldn't need to be worried or burdened anymore. Part of me knows that is illogical, but part of me can't help but think that... but I guess you're right in that the feelings/thoughts I have right now are not necessarily true.... you're right, I'm not thinking very clearly all the time--or at least, not logically all the time. And I have a lot of trouble in seeing the possibilities, except for negative ones. I guess maybe the one good thing is that I can still see the good in osme things. I'm trivial, I guess, but I can manage to often think of some trivial thing to see the good in & look forward to or hold on for... I don't want to hurt anyone i care about by having them need to have me around now, the way that I am, but I also don't want to hurt them by going away... then again, of course, the stupid thoughts of if anyone would even care or notice start to come back, even though parts of me know that's not logical... Although I can't drive, there are times I can save money to take small times away, 2 days or so, into the cities that are the closest major cities by. It always feels better when I do that, but the "after fall" afterward sometimes hurts worse, making it all seem worse where I'm here now. I'm still getting used to being back here, maybe the local bus system or the trains/buses into the different cities aren't as inaccessible as I'm thinking, I need to research.... I guess I should've gone into more detail about the situation in the first post in this thread. I think I may have covered some of it in my intro post, I can try to link to that or PM it to you., My father has never been really abusive in other ways than verbally and emotionally. I wouldn't feel comfortable writingg more than that here for now, but might be able to in a PM or something. This is the way my father was when I grew up. Then I moved out for a handful of years, and just recently had to move back, and it started up again--and worse, because over those years my sexual orientation had become obvious, and because they now are very big believers in some religious stuff and conspiracy theorist type stuff, and it seems it's the homophobic/transphobic/misogynistic/etc. things that they believe in the most. Which of course, hurts me the most. And they aren't afraid to say anything negative about any of that in front of me, or anything negative about me, in general... though the thing is, they can turn on the charm when they have to. They don't generally act like that even in the slightest around other fmaily members, or any friends that they believe to be or are straight, etc. My father also has a new obsession with very out-of-date gender roles, so as an example, even things like cutting my hair short or semi-short, etc, all of a sudden become "against the rules of how things should be." :bang::bang::bang::bang: I was recently told by someone I admire & respect deeply something similar to what you said--so maybe great minds think alike--that it's OK to sort of "not care" or "not tell" someone like that, that it's OK to just "play along" or "hide," and that doing so is never a cop-out in a situation like that. But part of me still feels like it is a cop-out of me. But I know that';s possibly the depression talking, and that it is probably very good advice. I am lucky in that my Mother is here too, and is very safe to be myself around & very supportive, though that sometimes makes me worry about her for some reason. Trying to plan a major exit seems overwhelming or not possible right now, but I have tried to at least plan the small little days or two days away at the least as a bit of breaks. Honestly, the abuse feels very constant because I begin to have a bit of issues of sort of tensing up & expecting it, or having flashbacks to all of the other things that have been done or said. But when I think about it without that, I don't think it would be constant or extreme enough to be able to get help for it from those kind of places. I wish there were more places online in terms of hotlines to turn to for help... I understand why the phone, etc. is more practical & why there isn't, but it would feel so much easier. I've been trying to think of other family members to reach out to, although I've never been too close to most relatives--but at the same time, things are not all that bad between us, either, so... but when I think logically, I think it is pretty safe to say that the immediate safety is not a concern, or at the very least, not a concern when it comes to outward people. I'm in my mid-20's, so it's sort of an odd age to get help--past high school or college opportunities for resources, and literally *just* missing the cut-off age for things like the trevor hotline & the like, I think. I don't know if there's anywhere that goes a year or two older for help or if there's any other options for that kind of help... What I was writing beofre about having already moved out for several years & just moving back, that was when things did get better for me. I had my way out and I was happy and I enjoyed every moment. It's the time frame I become comfortable with myself, when I had my first true relationships knowing who I really was, where I had many dreams come true. But due to some of the mental & physical problems I have, eventually the $$ I was able to make there--along iwth savings--was no longer enough, and so I had no choice but to give in & come back here now. That's why I feel like my major way out has already come & gone & I've alreadyhad it, why I feel like things will not get better no matter how young I am in the larger scheme of things. I feel like I've already used up my ticket on things getting better. And they were, and now they weren't, and having it & losing it seemss to make it hurt worse. I suppose I ccan still hope things will change somehow or that I could pretend or fantasize on having those hopes again. Remembering the past is sometimes the thing that keeps me hanging on, but sometimes that is all that it does, as pathetic as that may be. I hope this ramble wasn't too bothersome & I hope it answred the questions that my first post didn't. Thank you so much for your words & response & help, and for reading. I don't know if I truly feel like I deserve help or if I deserve feeling any better (or anything) yet, but I'll try to take yours & others words on that & try to start believing it. Would it really be OK to PM about anything that seems too personal or etc for the thread? I don't want to be a bother, so if the thread is easier, I'll try to get over my embarrassment and fear and everything about it. Thank you very much again.
Hi Caroline. (That's my youngest daughter's name!) It's not too much trouble for you to write here, and it wouldn't be too much trouble for you to write to me via a private message either. I can't always get back to people right away - depending on work and kids and such. But I'll certainly get back to you as soon as I'm able. I'm glad you recognize the fact that while in depression you don't think clearly or logically. It was a real help for me when I finally realized that, and that I wasn't able to rely on my thoughts all the time. My thoughts were often distorted. I'm sure that wasn't your only 'ticket' out of where you are. You're still very young, and you have no idea what life has in store for you. I certainly had no idea what my life had in store for me when I was in my early 20s. (I was actually quite clueless - as I didn't recognize that I was gay until I was in my mid 30s! So the fact that you have that figured out puts you years ahead of me in that regard.) And yes - I think you need to simply disregard your dad's comments as being from someone that is a little out of touch from the opinions of main stream society. That's not your problem - it's his. It's tough to change your attitude towards your own dad, because he should be someone you look up to and go to for advice, but in this case, he's someone you're going to have to ignore for the most part. His words are more hurtful than helpful. Keep talking about things, and keep writing. Seek out support groups that are accessible to you. Maybe there's a PFLAG chapter in a town near by. Thanks as well for your kind words. I do my best to help, but I don't pretend to be the 'be all and end all' of advice. But my experience, having gone down this path before you, allows me to provide some pointers. I hope they help.
Hello & thank you so much again for your continued responses & advice. I'm sorry that I disappeared from this thread for a while. I wanted to be around on the boards this past while, especially to continue to meet members & possibly be able to support & offer help instead of only needing it all the time... But almost two weeks ago now, I made a very stupid mistake when it comes to a self-harming behavior. I don't feel comfortable going in more detail than to say that it was an incredibly, incredibly stupid move and, if anything, it solidified the whole "that route doesn't solve anything" lesson, for sure. :icon_sad: I've still not quite fully recovered from it the past couple weeks, which was why I was not really on the boards here. And I'm extremely embarrassed about it as well as just feeling exhausted, which was keepingme away, too. I think I'm started to feel more baseline better physically, at least, so I'm going to try to go back to posting around here when I can... if that's OK? The little pessimist streak in me still has a tendency to think I shouldn't be taking up time for anyone by rambling away or asking for listening or advice or support or... etc, or that I don't deserve it. (Which maybe I really don't deserve it considering the last couple weeks, but then again I would never think that of anyone else, just with myself...) Anyway, I'm sorry for going on there... Jim, thanks so much for the response & the PM offer as well. I'll try to write more out here on the boards, but might need to take the PM offer up--I'm trying not to be afraid of sharing so much in an open space--especially since the members all are quite awesome from what I've seen--but it's still hard to get used to, so I really appreciate the PM offer in waiting, too. Thank you. (And I'd definitely understand about response times! ) (About posting on the boards, I don't know if anyone else ever feels this, as I know it's sort of neurotic of me, but I can't help but worry that somehow my father, etc, would somehow find this site and somehow find my posts and etc. Which is pretty much so unlikely that it's more than a bit silly that I even entertain the thought for a second, you know...) Unfortunately, I do recognize it but I feel like I don't recognize it enouhg.... or I only recognize it after someone else that I respect or listen to points it out for me, or at least gives a gentle push in the general direction to discover it on my own. It's odd, there are times when I can clearly recognize depressive thinking and the distortion of the depressive thinking, and then there's times where I either deny recognizing it or just honestly don't recognize it at all... and those, of course, are the times that lead to the self-destructive screw-ups. :icon_sad::bang::icon_redf I have a habit of trying to make things seem better with me than they are, so it's hard for me to not say things as if things were going the best they could, or hard not to act as if it is always completely under control. It's really hard for me to admit it when it's just a totally bleak, totally no hope in sight feelings, etc... I'm terrified of doing it, and so sometimes I'll do anything to find the bits of truth of the bits of being able to cope and just shine those moments up & focus on those, just to detract from the hopelessness or the tricky parts really going on. (Although in this way, I guess it is also not particularly fair for me to ever write someone off in my life as having not been helpful, if I am not truly baring everything about the situation to them to begin with... :icon_redf ) It's interesting that you mentioned some of this, as I had a talk with someone I used to see frequently in the city & admired quite a bit... and they gave a lot of the same advice in terms of thinking about age. The other person mentioned how it is never a cop-out to need to have waited in coming out to others/yourself, even if it's later on in life than you expected... that no matter what, the years that were closeted are not something to look down on yourself on or consider a cop-out (a train of thought I buy into for myself only quite frequently). And they also mentioned that regardless of the age when one does make it there on coming out/realizing/etc, even if it's easy to feel sad over whatever years before that were not the same... that there's going to still be plenty, plenty of years ahead to enjoy being yourself and to enjoy exploring all that and finding people and etc etc... anyway, I digress, but that advice reminded me of your advice there a bit... I'm still believing/thinking (or maybe the depression is distorting it) that I really did only have the "one chance/one ticket out/some good years streak," etc, and then now that's the end of that. I don't know if I'm just too exhausted or depressed to think of trying to do it all again... or if I just think that I had already wasted my savings and opportunities and the practical things on my first time living out on my own... and the time really was wonderful, dream-like in many ways--so maybe I just don't feel like I'd deserve a second chance at it anyway, that I've had more than my fair share.. I don't know, except that I still feel very certain that time has passed me, even if I can logically see the error in that way of thinking,i'ts still a feeling that doesn'tgo away... *nods* That all makes sense, I think the hard thing for me is to remember that it's his problem rather than mine. Even with pessimistic streaks, I can also be a bit idealist, and feelthe need to somehow be on activist-type a lot, and I think thefact that he thinks those things at all--about everyone in the LGBTQ, etc etc--hurts me just as much as it doeswhen he thinks thosethings about me in particular. I have been trying to just ignore right now when it comes to him. I try to make sure we don't even see each other, even when livinginthesame household. Itry to orchestrate when to be in what area according to when he's home or not or where, etc, so even if I can't get out and go somewhere else, at least we see each other minimally. For a lonmg while I was having nightmares of him every night, which made it hard to even look at him duringthe day--and would usually trigger another nightmare. So I don't know if the whole attempts at complete avoidance is exactly mature or not, etc, but it's something that I do think is probably for thebest right now? My Mum is always amazing about things, pretty much, though lately we've had some odd conversations that have left me feeling a bit confused on how she actaully feels about my having come out, etc,but Iguess that's another thread... I did check on the PFLAG situation, and there's not one nearby exactly, but there are several scattered about the state. I can also sometimes get into a couple different cities that certainly have them. When I was surfing their websites, though, I wasn't really getting a feel of what meetings would be like if you are there on your own, if family members wouldn't come? Would they offer support in the group then or is it only if family members can be there? I also saw that they seem to offer a one-time (I think) one-on-one meeting for peers for people who may have trouble getting family members to go, and that those meetings can be more casual & just one-on-one at a coffee place or etc... I'd feel like a bit of a burden for asking for that, but maybe that is the more logical first step in looking for local support? Does anyone know how meetings like that go, if they're offered in chapters in your locales? They have definitely helped, and I thank you very much. I'm sorry this response took such a long time to come and then began to ramble on forever! :icon_redf Thank you again, --C.
