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Lesbian appearance?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jazzmyn, Sep 24, 2011.

  1. Jazzmyn

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    I've noticed that a lot of the lesbians that hang out at gay bars have short hair, or try to lok a little more like a guy in their clothing and such. There was one incident where I was nearly dragged out of the bar because the girls in there didn't think I was a lesbian.
    The thing is... I like the way I dress and have my hair. Is it normal to be treated how I was if my appearance is the way it is? Sure I look kinda girly, like I'm out to impress someone. But that's the point! I want to impress the other girls if I possibly can, but I find it so hard to hold their attention. People say actions speak louder than words, and because of my disorder I try to rely on the action being 'hey, I'm making an effort'! Should my actions be 'I'm clearly a lesbian because I try to look as different from my gender as possible?'
    I'm a little confused here. I know I'm not supposed to be going to bars at my age in the first place, but I figure I'm close enough, and I don't want to be lonely on my 18th.
     
  2. Katelynn

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    I think this is actually more of a common problem that some think. There was a blog post on a blog I read where the girl there (who's gay) basically couldn't understand why some lesbians don't take others seriously because of their appearance. I believe the way she phrased it that 'lipstick lesbians' (girls who I guess don't fit the sterotypical lesbian image of looking male & being pretty obviously gay) have a hard time getting other gay women to take them seriously as lesbians. So I honestly don't think you're the only one having this problem. I can't remember the name of the blog, but I know the girl who writes it just won an award for it, plus her tagline is pretty funny too. I'll see if I can find it & then check with a mod to see if I can give you a link. Best to be on the safe side! I do also know that the reason this girl was prompted to blog about the problem you're having is that she's gotten A LOT of women emailing her asking this exact same question...
     
  3. MyJunkIsYou

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    Lesbians like people come in all shapes/sizes/styles and haircuts, identifying as gay doesn't involve an immediate trip to the hairdressers. That said I understand your post and what I'd describe almost as a pressure to "fit".

    Even though some people may dress/look more masculine to whatever degree, it doesn't necessarily mean that that's what they admire in other girls. My ex girlfriend was boyish- never wore a dress in her life- but she's always gone for more feminine types (I'm long haired), in fact she complained that I didn't wear dresses more often!

    Be yourself :slight_smile: Wear whatever the hell you want to wear. If you feel happy wearing girly clothes then wear them with pride- that kind of confidence is attractive.
     
    #3 MyJunkIsYou, Sep 24, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2011
  4. Jazzmyn

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    Thanks Kiersten and MyJunkIsYou!
    I almost got my hair cut short today but I'm glad I didn't... I don't go for a particular 'lesbian style' myself, I suppose that may be why I don't understand the people who shun me for being 'girly'. I'm sure I'll find another like my ex who likes that I don't follow that cliche =]

    PS. I just realised I posted this in chit-chat instead of support. Sorry! Could somebody move it perhaps?
     
    #4 Jazzmyn, Sep 24, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2011
  5. redstormrising

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    I have (and have always had) long hair, and I wear skirts and dresses nearly all the time. no plans to change that whatsoever :slight_smile: be who you are . . . you wouldn't want to be with someone who likes you for who you're not, anyway
     
  6. Jazzmyn

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    Exactly! =D I'm glad people on here seem to understand. Now to let all those hypocrites at ****** bar understand and I'll be happy to be living here =p
     
  7. maverick

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  8. Jazzmyn

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    Oh wow! May have to give it a read after some sleep!
     
  9. Flyers2011

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    Love Effing Dykes <3.

    Like everyone else has been saying, dress the way you want. Some people are going to be idiots, but not everyone will be.

    Lesbians come in all shapes and sizes. A close friend of mine is super feminine and super gay. I'm super masculine and super gay, for example. As long as you're happy with the way you look I'm sure there will definitely be someone else who likes it.

    I think the main reason why many lesbians are 'leery' of femmes is because they've probably been 'sport fished' (also from Effing Dykes) by straight girls and they're tired of it. I've gone through it myself and it sucks. These girls might be afraid you're straight and trying to lure them into hitting on you so you can blow a rape whistle. While you know that you're not going to to do that, they don't. It sucks because you don't feel like you're part of the community and it sucks because they're gonna miss out on a great chance to know a great girl.

    Just keep your head up and eventually other lesbians will say, "Hey, she's gay. And pretty cool. Let's get to know her :slight_smile:."
     
  10. Katelynn

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    This was the blog post I was talking about! I wasn't sure if I could post the link, but thanks for saving the day maverick!
     
  11. Lukee

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    Hey, I know I'm a guy but I just wanted to say this.

    Everyone is attracted to something different. You should never stop being who you are just to try and impress someone, the key is to strive to make yourself happy, which you can't do unless you're happy with how you are.
    And lesbians are attracted to other females, and the normal(please don't call me out for using that word) female image is girly clothes and long hair, so there should be endless girls out there who are looking for someone exactly like you.

    I'm sorry for how horribly worded that was, but I hope I help somewhat. And please don't cut off your hair, it's beautiful.
     
  12. Hazel

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    I feel for ya. :/

    I'm not particularly masculine or particularly feminine - just nerdy. It was a fear of mine for a long while, and this whole "you gotta look like a dyke" thing held me in the closet a lot longer than I needed to be in it.

    It is, however, utter bullshit. Also I'm checking out that blog, too.
     
  13. Gerry

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    Moved the thread for you, Jazzmyn. As the others have said, lesbians come in all different shapes and sizes and there's no "right" way to look if you're a lesbian, same if you're gay, straight, etc. There are those lesbians who prefer looking more feminine and those who prefer looking more masculine. That is totally up to you. If you're happy with the way you look then leave it and if others have a problem with it, let them deal with that themselves. :slight_smile:
     
  14. Noir

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    I get where you're coming from. And ironically, most of the girls who I think look like lesbians where they dress really boyishly and have super short hair aren't even gay--they have boyfriends!

    I personally have known I'm les for a while, but since I'm not out yet I obviously didn't want to make a statement with my appearance. I only just got my first boy-cut since I was five years old the last day of summer vacation and it wasn't to enforce my orientation (though a new image always helps self-esteem), it was because I've been dying to try short hair. I think it's really cute as my personal taste, and people say it actually suits me better than before.

    I also don't wear dresses if I can get away with it--I dress in skinny jeans like a lot of girls, but I wear some artsy shirt, necklace, and a pair of gloves without the fingers with it. I also like the occasional necktie, for which I have gotten some odd comments, but it never bothers me. As my brother put it, I look "sporty" without looking like a steroe-typical "lesbian."
     
  15. J Snow

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    I think you should try to look exactly how you want. If they try to kick you out of an establishment, tell them they are degrading the lesbian community by perpetuating negative stereotypes and you don't want to give them your business anyway.
     
  16. BradThePug

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    I still have longer hair, (although it is a lot shorter than it was in my pictures) but most of the time I dress like a guy.

    I like sticking in the middle of everything, I guess..lol.
     
  17. Mad Man L

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    The main thing really is to be yourself. You don't have to fit a stereotype in order to be a lesbian. The same thing happens with gay guys, unless you're a "flaming (as in, flamboyant, femme etc.) queer", nobody will believe you're gay/you are invisible from the gay community.

    To some extent, that is really quite discriminatory.
     
  18. stageone

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    You're pretty :slight_smile:
    Not that it should matter... hopefully you will meet someone who will be attracted to the whole person of you.
    Maybe this is remnant of my old ignorance... but I used to think that lesbians were divided into "dykes" and "femmes" and matched up with each filling one of the traditional male/female roles. I have short hair for the convenience, wouldnt be caught dead in a skirt because
    a) I want to be comfortable and not have to worry about what is showing and
    b) I am too heavy to look good in one and
    c) I take it as a personal offence that people base so much on appearance and looking good will get you so much farther than being/doing good (my rant for the day)
    But I try really hard not to resent "the pretty people" for the way the world is.
    You should not have been tossed out of the bar for being pretty. However, they were right to toss you out for being underage! There must be safer ways to meet people...
     
  19. Jazzmyn

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    @Flyers - Yeah I thought that may have been part of the problem. Once people there get to know more about me they will be more welcoming hopefully =]

    @Lukee - It's okay, I understand what you mean. It takes a lot for me to be insulted haha.

    @Hazel - Aww *hugs* I like 'nerdy' though, so yeah. It's bullshit =P

    @Gerry - Thank you so much!

    @Noir - I understand that many straight girls also have shorter hair. It just suits some people =]

    @Jon Snow - There aren't too many gay bars here unfortunately, or I would be so tempted to say what you said, and much much more. I just think it's stupid that it feels like I have to prove I'm legitimately gay or something. It doesn't seem right to me. If I was straight I wouldn't be there.

    @TheCat - Well at least you're unique in that aspect! Perhaps the best of both sides of the spectrum =p

    @The Lewder -It really is discriminatory and I hope they realise they're tearing the community apart by acting the way they do...

    @stageone - Naww, thank you =] I actually thought it may have worked like that, but my ex was very much a femme. Then again, I'm not entirely femme myself. I have long hair, sure, but I have tattoos, piercings, draw on eyebrows, wear band shirts and skinny jeans sometimes. they never checked my ID, so they didn't know I was underage. It was just a random group of girls who were yelling at me and tried to throw me out. The security broke it up though luckily. I only take so much effort with my appearance because I do have to rely on standing out a little sometimes. Because of my inability to speak, it makes it obviously difficult to grab somebody's attention in any way but show.
     
  20. J Snow

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    I totally don't blame you for not doing what I said to. In all honesty I'm really shy and I know I wouldn't have done it either. I more or less would have bitched to friends later and been like, "you know what I should have told him!"

    Anyway, if your pictures are of you then I think you are actually really cute. Since that's coming from a gay guy I'm not sure if that means a lot or absolutely nothing lol. But my point is don't go changing just cause someone tells you you should.