cant win smashed my car up :(

Today I decided to get back in the swing of things, so I decided to go back to the running group. Things went well at first. I went to breakfast them them afterwards.


As I was coming home I hit a patch of ice and hit the wall of the freeway. At this point I am not sure if the car is totaled. But there is thousands of $$$ damage if not.

I swear to God, and you can laugh because I did. I called my mom to come to where it happened. I told her I hit a wall and she said did you damage to the wall??. I told her its cemet. I am not. I break.

The passgener side door won't open. I have a job I am suppose to start tuesday.

My ocd was driving me crazy before I went out, while I was running, and only increased a little after I got in the accident.

I can't even be in a car accident without worrying that my voice doesn't sound gay.

There has got to be some meds out there for this. I am struggling way too much. I have no food in the house, I am a prescription that needs to be filled and I just want to go to sleep.

Justin

Thanks for letting me vent

 

Thanks. I got a rental car. Its only $15 a day. I am glad I am okay. If there was a passenger on the side. The impact was too strong to just walk away with a minor injury.

One thing I really did wrong and I will learn. Although, I wasn't driving 100mh. I was going on from one ramp to another. I was going about 65 it was still way too fast.

For the people that drive where it snows. Be careful. Icey weather can be unforgiving.


Justin

 

I didn't want to start a new thread, but I want to say I am progressing with life. Finally. Its really hard. I never really knew that day to day life is that difficult, but when you have sat back in your apartment for 10 years. Its hard to get into the swing of things.

You know I never wanted to give up on the running group that I went to, so I was glad I went on Sunday. I went again tonight. It was hard. They had a running seminar afterwards and I actually asked a question in front of everyone. I felt a little uncomfortable, as soon I got there because there is a guy in the group that was on match, but he was under a straight profile. I looked him up. I felt weird because you can always look at who looked at you on match. I think he was actually quite friendly towards me tonite(couldn't really make out what he said though), and I know this is my OCD, but all I heard in my head was "what a fag" or here is the "queer". When actually what he said was probably something friendly because he has not seem me in awhile.

Actually most people were glad to see me. Like someone said we see a Justin sighting When I left I said thanks for the pizza to the lady who ran it. I even spoke to the guy giving the talk afterwards, because I had some follow up questions. But still when I left more self negative talk. In my mind, I am thinking the lady that runs it is thinking Justin we hope we don't see you on sunday. We hate you. No I literally do not here those words, but HONESTLY that is what I am thinking.

This isn't all about being gay and I don't expect everyone to "get it" I am just sharing some experiences that I usually pm to 1 or 2 people on here. I hope in some ways. I am relateable. Maybe not?

I know this as fact, this is not my ocd, there is one girl in the group that does not care for me. Ever since I started with the group she will talk to everyone but me. I have tried, she will only give me one word answers. It was one of the reasons I stopped going in the first place. I was so consumed with having her like me that I thougt, if she didn't, why bother going?? I saw her tonight and she would not say hello to me, but what changed this time was I was in charge. I wouldn't give her the time of day. She's a LOSER!. There are 25 people in the group and even though my OCD gets in my way, they all seem to like me at one level or another so one idiot doesn't like me. Move on Justin! The weird thing is I usally blame people do not like me because of my sexuality, this one I do not. I think we just do not like each other, because we do not click. I will say there will be other people who I probably will not click with in life. Its hard because even with all my negative self talk and OCD, I know most people REALLY, REALLY like me

I do have problems talking to the "frat guy" types, but maybe in time. I have an easier time talking to people who are nerdy(no offense to anyone who thinks there nerdy) its actually a compliment, I am more in my comfort zone. I have a hard time talking to people who I consider very good looking. Its tough, because I worry about having a gay sounding voice still bothers me a ton and at times limits my amount of talking I hope people do not see me as standoffish, because there are certain people I can talk a ton to, but others very little.. I talked to my phd and I told him that I am now putting the effort in, but still struggling a ton and now we are finding an MD who can maybe can relieve a little more of this OCD. I know its not an end all, be all. But I think if I stay busy, some other meds might be more helpful and so is exposure.

When it comes to my job you would think I am the life of the party. But I put SOOOOOOO much effort in, its a little tiring. I hope this pays off in the long run, because when you do OCD, this is part of the erp/cbt.

I know I am rambling, but I had a talk with my dad recently and he said I made a lot of sense about this. I talked to him about food addiction, and said in truth I weight 165 pounds and am 5'11", but inside I am really just an 800lb guy. I guess what I am saying is this. There are people who are a little overweight who just eat a little too much, then there are people who eat, because they are lonely. Good Morning America just did a special on a lady. It was rather sad, because she hid away for years and had a life on the net(its sounds familar, just my situation is a little different) and she could be whoever she wanted to be. I think she weighed 700lb. People were nice to her, because she could play a thin woman. But in public people treated her poorly. It really was never about food with this lady. It was about a lonely person who used food as her friend. No one wants to be 700lb. As I watched her on Good Morning America I started to tear up. I understand her pain. I really do. Everytime I am upset or feel anxiety. I want to eat a big mac. I really do. I just run 7 miles instead. Both are addictions, mine is just healthy, but still obsessive.

I hope I keep progressing, and eventually find a boyfriend/partner/lover or whatever you want to call em.

Anyway, cyberspace is weird. There is a lot of meanness, but there is a lot of kindness. I have met 2 really out of this world nice people on here. Louise, and "ec dad" "jim. I needed there encouragment and probably still will.

Thanks for reading, if you made it all the way down. Too laxy for rediting as well
Justin
Ps- I had my poker face on a little bit too much tonight. Time to give it up I have a nice smile.

This is one of my favorite quotes I read recently.

-Never frown, because you never know who is going to fall in love with your smile.

 

Oh, and some things never change with me. And there are never dull moments with me I did a 360 today with the the rental car and hit a marker. No damage thank God. JUSTIN, RELAX, AND SLOW DOWN. Things will be okay.

JUST TAKE ONE THING AT A TIME JUSTY

Louise, I am still with you from your pm with me awhile ago. A partner/boyfriend might calm down some of what I wrote here & above And I am glad you said it because I think of it often, and if you didn't say it, it probably wouldn't be on my mind constantly So thanks for reminding me Reminders are good.

I think its about time already. Don't you ??